Um, Cameras Record . . . Everything: How the bird camera got more than it meant to
In the interest of throwing a little humor into a bleak world I am going to tell on myself. I have done a thing that is completely mortifying in its cluelessness and involves birds and squirrels and a camera and …an undressed aging body. Please take a mini break from the horrors of your world and enjoy the horrors of mine.
You are welcome.
As befits my advancing age, I have grown attached to watching birds in my backyard. I hung a bird feeder. The birds found it (how do they do that? It is magical how quickly they discover food!) So pleasing to watch.
And then.
The squirrels quickly broke the code to savaging the feeder (those evil black squirrels, diving off a bush like Tom Cruise doing a Mission Impossible stunt, hitting the feeder enough to spin it around and fling birdseed like a demolished pinata, by which point the squirrels were already on the ground feeding on the largesse).
My daughter, a champion gift buyer, bought me a bird feeder that is supposed to be squirrel proof. AND it has a camera that I connected to my phone, so throughout the day I could delight in seeing all manner of birds pecking at the feed, right up close. And it comes with a solar charger so the camera is always charged and set off by any movement nearby, at which point it records. So even if I miss the live action, I can review the day’s videos and see all kinds of funny and goofy birds.
I decided to attach it to the railing of the balcony off of our second story bedroom, conveniently located next to the little fountain that the birds bathe in.
This worked for three days.
Then the squirrels learned how to scale the screens on the downstairs windows, leap onto the roof overhang and parkour onto the balcony to get the birdseed out.
Foiled again.
I brought the feeder inside until I could figure out where to install it away from squirrels. I set it on my bathroom counter, in part too lazy to take it downstairs but also to keep it away from the dog who rivals the squirrels in his love of birdseed.
Does anyone see where I’m going with this?
Is anyone, is everyone, smarter than me????
Four days later, four days, it occurs to me that the motion sensor camera is still on. Still recording anything that moves.
In the bathroom.
Where I dress.
And undress.
And shower.
Panicked, I fumble up the Birdty app on my phone and scroll through the recordings.
A veritable slideshow of things I try not to look too closely at in the mirror.
The camera works really well.
I had placed it really well.
The horror.
The praying that no one around us has cracked the password to our wifi.
I flip through one video after another, appalled and hysterical. How did I do this to myself?
“Why are you screaming?” the hubs asks, running in. “Is everyone okay? What is going on?”
I stop hyperventilating enough to tell him. He is amused until I show him his very own hi def videos.
I’ve been feeling pretty full of myself these days. I finished a book that is about to be published. I got rid of not one but two paid storage units. I successfully launched two children out into the world. I’ve gotten decent at pickleball. I can last over three minutes in the cold plunge.
But life is not ready to let me get too big headed. Life was like ‘ah, maybe someone dumb enough to unintentionally install a motion sensor camera in her own bathroom doesn’t get to feel like she’s got a handle on this whole life thing.”
I’m reminded I am still very much a work in progress. And that is is not a bad idea to laugh at myself more. Lots of opportunity for that.
Follow-up: of course I deleted all of the videos. Except for one of my husband, he looks kind of hot.
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