A Very Personal Post

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Usually in January, I make a post about what I hope to accomplish, or recognizing what I did the year before, in conjunction with my WordPress anniversary. This year, though, is already going to be very different.

There’s no easy way to say this, though I’ve constantly been trying to make it more palatable over the last few weeks. My father is in end of life care, and while there is never a specific time frame given for such things, the professional estimate is on the short side. At present, he’s not suffering; truthfully, his brain isn’t completely aware of what’s currently happening, which could be seen as a blessing in this instance; but is, of course, very hard for the rest of us to wrangle with.

Events like the passing of a loved one are always, on some level, expected, and at the same time, we’re never prepared. For me, the biggest wrench in the gears will be the fact that grief is never straightforward; I have no idea just what I may feel when, and this could make trying to plan new creative projects almost impossible. And while everyone will say that new creative projects aren’t my biggest priority right now, I already know that this is what will save me. Not as a way to take my mind off circumstances I can’t control; but as a way to find my path through, on to what comes next.

My dad said years ago he didn’t want a funeral, because funerals are for the living; the notion that the ceremony is “for” the person who’s dead and gone, and possibly not even aware of what’s going on, never really seemed to be the point, for him. Neither did the idea that ceremonies magically sort out all the emotions connected to such a pivotal moment. As an adult, I understand well that grief is not linear, nor contained to one environment. Spending an hour or two in a memorial service, reminiscing, won’t change anything about the fact this person I knew my entire life is now not there, and that I will be feeling all kinds of feels because of it.

That’s the part you have to go through to get to the other side. It sucks. But it just is.

So, while I truly have no concrete idea of what lies ahead for me this year, I already know there will be a path, whenever I need it; my job is simply to start walking it.

I can’t commit to any real schedule regarding posts here or on Kofi, so I won’t. I can promise not to vanish from the community, because I need my people. But even in the midst of this not knowing just what I’m supposed to be doing, I’ve already realized that I…don’t care if there’s a “right” or a “wrong” way.

Because I don’t think there is.