Resolute (7)
I think I’ve figured out that I just don’t like birthdays and the end of the year for the same reason. I don’t like looking back and feeling like I’m not where I want to be, nor do I like looking forward and not seeing much better there either. Although I have reverse SAD rather than regular SAD, I am a little affected by the extra darkness, especially when we’ve had gloomy weather, too. Maybe less light makes me less optimistic in general. Of course, there are other reasons why I feel like I’m holding my breath when I look ahead. Not going to go into it. I’m doing my best to cope, although my best still isn’t great.
(CW for this paragraph: Weight issues) I feel like, although I’ve been able to get back into movement and exercise, which is good, I’m in a losing war with my weight. I had to do insane amounts of high-resistance elliptical to even make a dent before, but prior to the leg injury in 2023, weight was already starting to creep back up. Since college, I’ve gained and lost significant amounts of weight four times, and this most recent weight gain is fifth. My brain is tired of self-denial and categorically refuses to give up certain things when it’s already given up so much; plus, FOMO when I worry that certain things aren’t going to be available to the same degree in the future. And I am tired of being at constant odds with my body. Before the injury, I feel like my body and I had reached a kind of detente, because I could say that at least I was strong and my blood tests said I was healthy. Detente ended around this time last year when I had gained back all the weight from not being able to exercise. It’s been a long struggle, frustrating because you can never just go back to the way you were eating before. You always have to give up more and more and more, and the goalposts of what you can achieve always move.
However, this time last year, I was still injured and healing, still limping, still in pain. Today, I’m walking mostly normal, if a little chaotically when I’m stiff. Still a slight limp sometimes, but no more pain. The main injury has (perhaps irreparably) weakened the leg, though, so I can’t up the resistance on the elliptical without causing strain in the compensating muscles. Even so, walking without pain and able to do cardio and play a full-movement game like pickle ball (which I started with neighbors this year) are all improvements.
My writing sabbatical was only supposed to last one year, but inability to find a new job made it last another. Election Day took some serious wind out of my ability to write, so I had to scrap a few end-of-year plans, and the stress of not finding a job at the beginning of the year surely contributed to my issues with writing what eventually became Tooth & Claw (Meridian Book 7). Naive little me really thought that, because I knew I was capable, I would be able to find a job in a few months, and it’s tremendously humbling and somewhat humiliating to not be able to. In the new year, I’ll probably have to join the gig economy, but I really need money flowing in, and after twenty years in the writing business, it’s still really not coming from that quarter.
In 2024, I made a little more than half what I made writing in 2023. It was a three-figure year. Some of that isn’t on me. The indie horror scene contracted significantly, thanks to billionaires behaving badly: Amazon removed its zine subscription service, which killed all but the biggest zines that were able to cobble together subscriptions in other ways; Musk bought and tanked Twitter; and gen AI overwhelmed submission calls (and their slush readers) with unsolicited slop. (I imagine the banning of TikTok will also have a significant market effect, because BookTok was a big viral push for word-of-mouth marketing, but I don’t hang out there personally.) There were also generally fewer calls from shuttering indie presses. Too many hungry writers (layoffs and post-lockdown changes likely played a role), and not enough well-paid opportunities. Like the job market in general. The indie horror boom is probably over, for now.
Some of it was on me, though, because I focused on writing long-form this year rather than producing new short-form stories, including writing for specific calls. Variety is good for me, so that wasn’t really my fault so much as a consequence of my 2024 plan. However, I did publish the following short stories:
“Hell Come Home,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 2nd place winner, Crystal Lake Entertainment, February 9, 2024
“Full,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 2nd place winner, Crystal Lake Entertainment, March 19, 2024
“Indigestion,” The Last Girls Club Spring Equinox 2024 issue, March 21, 2024
“Graphite,” The Pleasure in Pain: A Queer Horrotica Anthology, Dragon’s Roost Press, March 31, 2024
“Eye Spy,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, April 13, 2024
“The Glitter of Bile,” Cosmic Horror Monthly Issue 47, May 1, 2024
“Second Chance,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, May 12, 2024
“Snot,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 3rd place winner, Crystal Lake Entertainment, July 22, 2024 (as “Sea Snot”)
“Predatory,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, August 22, 2024
“Nuisance Notifications,” Found 2: More Stories of Found Footage Horror, edited by Gabino Iglesias and Andrew Cull, October 25, 2024
“Six,” Screams, edited by Judith Sonnet, December 1, 2024
“Hell Come Home,” Hotel Macabre, Vol. 1, Crystal Lake Entertainment, December 13, 2024
I would say that “Hell Come Home” is probably my best received short story this year, although “Graphite” and “Six” also got some attention.
I also sold some great poetry this year:
“Cleanse,” Querencia Press Winter 2024 issue, January 31, 2024
“All of Us Witches,” Small Wonders Magazine Issue 12, June 19, 2024
“Vernal,” Renascentum: Crow Calls Volume VI, July 15, 2024
“Keeping Secrets,” Breath & Shadow Volume 21, Issue 2, December 13, 2024
“All of Us Witches” is probably the best received, and I was really happy that it found a place. For the volume submitted, poetry is probably the hardest to sell.
In addition, the following novels came out in 2024:
Strange & Familiar, Meridian Book 3, Totally Bound Publishing, January 16, 2024 (as Aurelia T. Evans)
Question Not My Salt, Crystal Lake Entertainment, February 16, 2024
Crooked House, Thorns Book 5, self-published, September 7, 2024
Avarice & Creed, Meridian Book 4, Totally Bound Publishing, October 1, 2024 (as Aurelia T. Evans)
Question Not My Salt was my first traditionally published novel under this name, and it’s been more reviewed than anything else I’ve done. Despite the fact that it’s extreme horror (mild for extreme, but extreme for regular horror), it’s also been mostly well reviewed; it seems like people have had gross fun with it.
Crooked House was the soft ending for Thorns, in that, if I died without putting out another book, the series would end with a satisfying resolution. Thorns has been an amazing series for me, allows me to go to the dark places and do the kinds of stories I’ve always wanted to do, and to play around within the fairy tale sandbox. I had planned to resume the Thorns series in 2025, but that will depend on my ability to, you know, write. Even so, I’m looking forward to the Thorns still to come.
Strange & Familiar and Avarice & Creed brought my gothic urban fantasy series Meridian to its halfway point. There’s something about my green-colored books under my Aurelia T. Evans name. Avarice & Creed, Skeletons, Cry Wolf… They’re kind of my low-key favorites, although my red-colored books (Fortune, Ringmaster, Strange & Familiar) are more obviously so.
I’m not going to do an analysis of my short-form acceptance rate this year, because when I checked in July, acceptance rate was about 1-2%, compared to 7-8% in 2023, and it didn’t really improve through the rest of the year. You can hope for improvement, but you can’t really set goals to be published more, because you actually have no control on the traditional publication side of things, only in what you finish. But like I said earlier, I also mostly worked on long-form, which is often a lot of work for less likely reward, and the whole process from creation to publication (if it even happens) takes such a long time—the very definition of working on spec.
This year, I wrote 14 short stories, and of course, I wrote a ton of poetry until November, when I had no more poetry left in me, and that still hasn’t come back. I may return to flash poetry in January 2025 to test those waters.
I also finished the following long-form stories/collections:
Tooth & Claw, Meridian Book 7, erotic gothic urban fantasy novel (possibly end of series)
May Cooler Heads Prevail, supernatural novella
A Nightmare for All Seasons, seasonal horror poetry collection
Masque, gothic alt-history novel
The Damp, gothic horror novella
The Dracula reimagining, found-footage/modern epistolary horror novel
(I’m not being coy by not sharing the DRI title. It’s just a bit spoilery about the concept, so I don’t want to share it until it’s going to be published, traditionally or on my own.)
Writing Masque and the Dracula reimagining were serious bucket-list novels, things I had played with the idea of for over a decade, so the fact I wrote them because I was finally ready, and I like what came out, is really an achievement. I really wanted to write one more long thing this year, like I said, but that ended up a bust. I edited a good number of my long-form pieces, though. Some of them are on sub; some are waiting for the right call.
For now, I have plenty of things to edit before I absolutely need to attempt writing something new in 2025. In January, my primary goal is to finish the edits of Masque and the Dracula reimagining. As soon as that’s done, I’ll self-publish my seasonal horror poetry collection, A Nightmare for All Seasons, to which I’m adding a new season: the last, with my short collection Lullabies for an Apocalypse. Then I’ll edit Tattered & Torn (Meridian Book 6) and probably fix and proof May Cooler Heads Prevail for self-publishing.
At that point, I have a number of things I can do, depending on ability and finances. There’s more edits, there’s short-form writing, there’s shorter long-form, and there are any number of sequels to tackle (for Thorns, UA, possibly Meridian), not to mention the rewrite of War House that I keep putting off. I have a general schedule set, but it’s flexible, as always. I could also do other creative endeavors, like drawing, piano, or cross-stitch.
All of this presuming that things don’t blow up as much as I’m worried they will. I’m bracing for impact; just because I can’t sustain paralyzing fear indefinitely doesn’t mean the fear isn’t there, and bad. Hope is certainly in short supply.
