Markets surge as incoming US administration promises to ramp up Age of Stupid values

[Scene:  A modern newsroom with a large monitor behind the anchor desk displaying the words “Evening Spotlight with Arlene”.  Arlene, impeccably dressed with a cheerful yet empty-headed demeanour, speaks directly to camera]

Arlene:  Good evening, America, and welcome to Evening Spotlight!  I’m your host, Arlene Whitaker.  Tonight, we have a truly uplifting report on the booming stock market.  Let’s head over to Preston Grant, live at the New York Stock Exchange.  Preston, 2024 has been quite a year for the markets.  How would sum up their performance?

[Cut to Preston, standing in front of a bustling New York Stock Exchange floor.  He’s wearing a crisp suit and holding a microphone.  The eyes above his vapid smile carry a gormless sense of wonder]

Preston:  That’s right, Arlene!  It has been an extraordinary year here on Wall Street, especially for hate, deceit, envy, and greed.  These emotional commodities have seen unprecedented growth in 2024, driven by a series of global events that have created a perfect storm for these assets.

Arlene:  Fascinating, Preston.  Let’s start with hate.  It’s always been a strong performer in times of conflict, but what’s driven its record-breaking surge this year?

Preston:  Great question, Arlene.  The strength of hate has soared nearly 200% this year, largely fuelled by the ongoing genocide of Palestinians in Gaza and Russia’s relentless barbarism in Ukraine.  These crises have created fertile ground for divisive rhetoric and tribalism, both online and in real life.  Investors have flocked to hate as a safe bet, with pundits predicting even higher returns in 2025 under the incoming administration’s “divide and conquer” approach to domestic and international policies.

Arlene:  Incredible.  And what about deceit?  Always a classic.  How has it performed this year?

Preston:  Deceit is another superstar!  It’s up 150% this year, thanks in large part to rampant disinformation campaigns.  From social media echo chambers to state-sponsored propaganda, deceit has been the cornerstone of conflict narratives worldwide.  Whether it’s fake news about Ukrainian “bio-labs” or the perpetuation of myths about “Israel’s right to commit genocide to defend itself”, deceit has proven to be a versatile and high-yield investment.

Arlene:  And envy?  I hear envy is making a comeback—is that right?

Preston:  Absolutely, Arlene.  Envy’s value has more than doubled, particularly in developed countries.  With widening income inequality and the normalisation of hyper-wealth displays on social media and elsewhere, envy has become a global growth market.  Everyone wants what they can’t have, and it’s driving consumption, resentment, and—ultimately—profit.

Arlene:  Impressive.  And greed… well, greed’s always a reliable performer.  How well has that done in 2024?

Preston:  Greed remains the blue-chip stock for the Age of Stupid.  It’s up 300% this year, driven by war profiteering, unchecked corporate monopolies, and governments prioritising economic growth over human rights.  Greed is practically bulletproof in this market.

[Arlene nods with feigned enthusiasm]

Arlene:  Those are some impressive numbers, Preston.  But what about the other side of the spectrum?  How have stocks like empathy and compassion fared?

Preston:  Arlene, empathy and compassion have hit historical lows not seen since the outbreak of World War II.  Empathy is down 85%, and compassion has plummeted, losing 90% of its value in just the last 12 months.  Analysts in the building behind me attribute this to widespread desensitisation to human suffering and the prioritisation of self-interest over community welfare.  Also, these stocks are really considered “high-risk” investments in today’s climate.

Arlene:  I guess we can figure this is about normal for the Age of Stupid.  Now, let’s pivot to the exchange rates.  I understand there have been some significant fluctuations this year?

Preston:  That’s right.  International exchange rates have seen huge activity in 2024.  A year ago, one Jewish life was valued at the rate of 100 Palestinian lives.  Today, that exchange rate has skyrocketed to one Jewish life for every 500 Palestinian lives.  It’s a stark reflection of the growing devaluation of certain populations.

Arlene:  What about other regions?  How do European lives compare to lives in Africa and Asia?

Preston:  European lives remain the gold standard, Arlene.  A single European life is currently valued at just under 1,000 African lives or 750 Asian lives.  These rates are driven by media coverage, international aid priorities, and the global hierarchy of sympathy.  African and Asian lives are increasingly seen as low-value assets in the global economy.

Arlene:  It’s a sobering assessment, Preston.  But amidst all this, how is the US positioned?

Preston:  Oh, the US is in fantastic shape, Arlene!  With its unparalleled ability to profit from global conflicts while maintaining domestic stability, America is the clear winner in these marketplaces.  With the return of the Orange Shit-Gibbon to the White House, closely tailed by the Poster Boy for the Age of Stupid, analysts predict that 2025 will bring even greater gains for US-led interests, particularly as the new administration doubles down on policies that only benefit billionaires and Russia.

[Arlene smiles brightly, giving a hint of the vast emptiness inside her head]

Arlene:  That’s wonderful news, Preston!  Thank you for your insights.  So, it looks like the Age of Stupid will continue to bring many benefits to America and her trustworthy allies into 2025!  Thank you for tuning in to Evening Spotlight.  Stay bullish out there, and we’ll see you tomorrow night!

[The camera zooms out as upbeat music plays and the credits roll]

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