Regarding Courage…

Sometimes, we don’t know if “courage” is even the issue as it’s often mixed up with honor, shame, a skewered sense of right & wrong, and/or a misplaced sense of loyalty.

It took me a decade to write these few sentences which I very recently added to A Theory of Flight:

“Then life interceded: Stephanie and I broke up—the girl I thought was my soulmate, the girl I wanted to marry. She had slept with a whole slew of guys, two of them our mutual friends. I tried forgiveness, I tried forgetfulness. I tried to be the better man, but my heart had turned black. Nothing seemed important anymore.”

I had written around our dissolution, gave her aliases, protected the memories of the good parts, turned away from my shame. We had both long moved on with our lives. My misplaced sense of loyalty remained even when the last of my feelings about her and that period had faded to nothingness. I wanted to bury it. I wanted it obliterated by time. She was a manic-depressive with a history of abuse. There were many components to her behaviors.

But the words, these words that matter to no one else–not even her–matter to me.

We are who we are and what we have done. Just lay it on the table, plain and simple, without malice. There is no need for accounting. No need for explanation. No need to carry the weight of unspoken words. This is life.

I guess A Theory of Flight is close to being done at last.