Winter Solstice, and Why Beginnings are Necessary

I’ve chosen a new category for my Monday posts: Meditation.

Meditation has been a huge part of my healing journey over the years. It’s like poetry for your body and soul. It touches parts of you that need to destress, let go of worry, let go of everything really, and find stillness. While working towards my yoga instructor certification in 2021, I quickly realized that meditation was probably my favorite part. I have always loved the distraction it allows my mind to think about something other than everything I’ve ever been through, and the new perspectives that are often more positive, towards myself and the world in general.

I am pessimistic by nature and nurture. Meditation allows me to be more optimistic and relaxed. It allows me to let go of things that are out of my control, even and maybe especially when I wish they weren’t.

When thinking about the winter solstice which, above Christmas and all the other holidays, is one of my favorite days to celebrate during the year. Not because I’m Pagan, which I won’t claim to be, but because it is a great day for reflection. It is both pessimistic and optimistic simultaneously. What other day can say that? Summer solstice, but for different reasons. I love both, but I love winter solstice more and I’ll tell you why.

I feel that summer solstice is more depressing in nature because it is the longest day of the year, and each day for the next six months afterward is shorter and shorter, not in length, but in sunlight. I grew up in the desert, I need the sun. I need the heat. I need the warmth. I am sad when these things decrease.

Winter solstice is the darkest day of the year. The closer it gets, the more eager I am for the day to come, and to go. Each day after gets more and more sunny. Each day after provides more light, more hope, and more warmth. I adore this day because it allows me to reflect on all of my darkest moments, and I’ve had plenty, and remember that there is always light that comes after each darkest moment. The darkness, although hard to see through, does not last, and each day after becomes just a little easier, and just a little brighter until the sun fully returns and you’re able to soak it all in. Is that not the most perfect metaphor for grief? For trauma? For healing?

I think it is, and the longer my life goes on, the more I appreciate this day and the darkness that it offers. To be able to sit inside the darkness, and find your light despite it, is a beautiful and profound effort.

On Dec. 21, I lit candles and a fire in the fireplace of my home. I snuggled up to my husband and reflected on all that I had overcome to be in this very moment, and for the first time, enjoying the darkness of the night that began at 4:30 pm.

The winter solstice is both an ending and a beginning. It is the line between what stops and starts, and for this particular year of my life that is so fitting. Many things stopped, and many things began. I ended/graduated from school this year and began my new career as a medical assistant. I ended my life as a single mother, married the love of my life, and began a new chapter with this gorgeous man who I am savoring every moment with. My struggles with my identity are coming to a close as I tie together loose ends of who I have been, and who I want to be, creating the best version of myself and finding the balance I never had.

I told myself this year, as the sun began to set earlier and earlier that I would embrace the darkness and find the beauty within it. I would look to the stars, which I adore so much, and learn to love the night.

I’ve pushed many hard things away, including winter, because it was too cold and dark, but this year is different. I’ve had a reprieve from the pain and my darkness. For the first time in 20 years, enough time has passed that I can breathe again without more tragedy slamming down on top of me, and for the first time in 20 years, I can see this literal darkness that engulfs our hemisphere, and feel safe.

This is by far the best winter solstice I have ever experienced, and it simply was. Nothing huge or magnificent happened other than another day coming and going. The significance of the day lies within my own ability to reflect on the darkness inside myself, and recognize that I’ve survived all of my darkest moments.

This is what I offer to you now, in the darkness of winter, there will be times leading toward the darkness, and there will be times that come after those darkest moments. Although some moments might be painful in ways we can’t find words for, there will always be days that come after that ever so slowly become brighter and brighter. This is the ebb and flow of our brightest and darkest days. We are a pendulum swinging between both extremes and the silver lining is that there will always be an ending and a beginning.

We are not limited to how many endings and beginnings we can have.

Goodnight, my friends.