Release the Hold: A Parenting Journey to Ease Perfectionism

A few weeks ago, my son sat cross-legged on the floor, staring intently at a tangram set. He was trying to recreate the design on a flashcard—a neat house with a chimney. I watched as he picked up one piece, turned it, wanted to fit it in, and sighed heavily when it didn’t align. Finally, he placed the pieces down and said, “I can do it. Leave it. I won’t do it now; I will do it tomorrow.”

But I knew him better than that. He wasn’t giving up; he was overwhelmed. It was his way of avoiding the frustration of not getting something “just right.” As his mom and someone trained to understand these moments, I realized this was a chance to help him navigate perfectionism, not escape it.

The Trap of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is tricky. It often stems from a fear of failure or a deep desire to meet expectations—sometimes self-imposed, sometimes external. For kids, especially those with ADHD or neurodivergent traits, this fear can feel all-encompassing. The world already feels a little harder to navigate, so when something doesn’t go as planned, the easiest solution can be to avoid it entirely.

As a parent, it’s heartbreaking to see. But it’s also an opportunity to teach resilience, flexibility, and the value of effort over outcome. I approached that moment with my son, using strategies rooted in breaking tasks down and reinforcing positive behaviours.

1.     Pause and Validate

First, I didn’t rush to correct him or insist he keep going. I sat beside him and said, “This design looks tricky, doesn’t it? It’s okay to feel like it’s a lot right now.”

Validation is key. It helps kids feel seen and understood, which reduces their stress. Instead of framing his frustration as a problem, I acknowledged it as a normal response to a challenging task.

2.     Break the Task Down

Next, I suggested, “How about we just start with this corner? Let’s see if we can match these two pieces here.”

Big tasks can feel overwhelming, so breaking them into smaller, manageable steps makes them less daunting. For my son, focusing on one part of the tangram instead of the whole design shifted his perspective from “I can’t” to “I can try.”

3.     Provide Guided Support

As he worked, I didn’t take over. Instead, I offered small prompts like, “What if we try flipping this piece?” or “Does this triangle look like it might fit here?” I let him stay in control while giving him the tools to problem-solve.

Guided support—helping without taking over—builds confidence. It sends the message that they’re capable but not alone.

4.     Celebrate Small Wins

I clapped lightly when he fit two pieces together and said, “You figured it out! That’s great progress.”

Celebrating small wins helps shift the focus from perfection to effort. Each step forward becomes a reason to feel proud, reinforcing the behaviour of trying rather than giving up.

5.     Model Flexibility

At one point, he struggled with a piece that didn’t fit. “What now?” he asked, clearly frustrated. I responded, “Hmm, let’s try another way. Sometimes it takes a few tries to figure it out.”

I showed him it’s okay to make mistakes and try again by staying calm and flexible. Kids mirror our reactions, so modelling a growth mindset can be incredibly powerful.

6.     Let Go of the Outcome

When we finished the tangram, it wasn’t perfect. A few edges didn’t align precisely, as shown on the flashcard. But his smile said it all. He had done it—and more importantly, he had tried despite his initial overwhelm.

Perfection wasn’t the goal; persistence was. And he’d achieved it.

The Takeaway: Focus on Progress, Not Perfection

That day reminded me of an important truth: as parents, our role isn’t to push our kids toward perfection. It’s to help them see that progress is what matters. By breaking tasks down, celebrating small wins, and modelling flexibility, we can teach them to release the hold that perfectionism has on them.

If your child struggles with perfectionism, remember that the journey matters more than the destination. Sit with them, guide them, and cheer them on—because every effort they make is a step toward resilience.

What About You?

Have you faced a similar moment with your child? How did you handle it? Share your stories below—we’re all in this together, learning one small step at a time.

Subscribe

Recommended Products to Support Your Child’s Journey

Here are a few tools and resources that can help your child build confidence and ease the pressure of perfectionism:

Tangram Puzzle Sets – Perfect for teaching problem-solving and flexibility while making learning fun. Visual Schedules and Task Charts – Break tasks into smaller steps and help kids stay organized with easy-to-follow visuals. Calming Tools – Items like fidget toys or stress balls can help kids manage feelings of frustration during challenging tasks. Positive Reinforcement Tools – Sticker charts or token systems to celebrate effort and persistence. Growth Mindset Books for Kids – Stories encouraging resilience and embracing challenges, such as “The Most Magnificent Thing” by Ashley Spires. Parenting Guides – Books like “The Gift of Failure” by Jessica Lahey to help parents foster independence and resilience.

These resources can enhance the learning experience and ensure your child feels supported every step of the way!