(No)Tivation – On Mustering
Where has my motivation gone? It’s silly, really. I’ve always been a highly-motivated human. I think I was born motivated – to grow, to learn, to do, do, do. And to do with passion, integrity and…gusto. Then…it was just GONE. I know that ageing is playing a major role. One of the symptoms of peri-menopause is a major shift in energy, which, for me, includes motivation. There are many factors for this…I’m not getting into it because it’s overwhelming and makes me scared, quite honestly! Things continue to happen in my body that I have no control over…despite mighty attempts to slow the process of this major shift. Sigh.
This morning I woke up feeling awake, rested (despite waking up twice to pee, and twice to tell my husband to roll onto his side because his snores were outrageous). Incredible! My back, which as been in constant pain for weeks, didn’t hurt. I was very grateful! Then, when I let the dogs out, I saw that it had snowed during the night and, oh, what a glorious site the graceful white was – especially under the grand smile of the sun! The sun…remember her?! I felt a sprig of energy – yahoo!
I got dressed, brushed my teeth, my hair…fed the dogs, prepped the coffee, cleaned the car and drove a car-full of teens to high school. All of these everyday actions feeling like zips of accomplishments. Then I came home, got my computer and journal ready for a morning write with the Firefly Creative Writing family for one of their Morning Coffee Sessions.
And my computer crashed. I swore and growled. Luckily, I was able to join the group again. I wrote several pages in my journal, catching up on life and urging my body to figure out how to get all the work done that needs to get done today. Also, to do some fitness.
Every bit of information I read about peri-menopause/menopause says that we MUST keep moving, exercising and building muscle and bone strength because, dearys, these things are gonzo if we don’t. You’d think this FACT about women’s ageing would motivate me to exercise every day. I have everything I need! My body, weights, a treadmill…um…nope.
So I’m writing in my journal that after the writing session, I’m gonna get on the treadmill and walk at least twenty minutes. That’s not long! That’s half the time it takes to wash the dang dishes! But as I sipped the hot coffee…enjoyed the purity of hand-writing in my journal about all the things I’d done the days before…and about the heck I was going to get all the work done today….those zips of accomplishment I felt just minutes before had vanished. Motivation turned to Notivation.
I wrote in my journal: There’s no logical reason for me to not, at least, walk on the treadmill, after this. I’ll do it – I promise!
Tis true. Logic doesn’t factor in when I’m trying to rediscover/find motivation. But I made a promise to myself. So I did what is a kind of…compromise with motivation: I mustered.
Muster: verb
summon up (a particular feeling, attitude, or response).
I told my parts to gather and summon the energy to walk downstairs to the storage room, to step on the damn treadmill, and to keep stepping for at least twenty minutes. I put on an episode of ‘Smartless‘, my favourite podcast, and I. Walked.
Muster: verb
assemble (troops), especially for inspection or in preparation for battle. (of a group of people) gather together.
Indeed, sometimes it does feel like a battle – each day – to get up and face the Things To Do. Never in my life have I been more attuned to all the different parts inside me…each vying for place, value, attention and action. Managing the troops that are my parts takes a lot of energy. They each have their own relationship with motivation too – many of them lacking it, and happy about it.
Mustering feels inside like a negotiation. Sometimes it’s a quick chat, a tit-for-tat kinda exchange: if we exercise for 20 minutes, our back will feel better. Or, if we lay on the sofa with the dogs, my heart will feel fuller, let’s exercise after that. Or, let’s exercise later. We will. Promise. Although…we all know what happens Later, and exercise is not usually included.
Sigh. So I did it! I mustered a 21 minute walk, thank you very much! Then I folded two loads of laundry, organized the dirty clothes, and tossed in another load.
Then I snuggled with this fellow. It’s his tenth birthday today. Our sweet Oscar.
Then I snuggled with this gal. See the part of her face under her eye where all the jowl is folded? I kissed that part, oh yes I did. Our sweet Pages.
I’m pretty sure I spend at least 30 minutes a day snuggling with these delightful animals.
But The Work. Oh, the work. It waited in my office like a…an enemy. Surely there were Other Things I could do before sitting down to Work. The motivation arrived! The motivation for procrastination, that is! And let me tell you, I’m sooo good at procrastination! I cleaned the bathroom drawers, organized the new linen closet, did another load of laundry, got another cup of coffee, called my doctor, talked to my husband, and ate a bowl of cottage cheese and raspberry jam.
Procrastination is my jam!
And then…it was time. Time to start The Work.
The Work is: answering emails, scheduling, marketing prep/publicity, writing this blog, finishing a manuscript evaluation, prepping for the virtual event I’m hosting tonight…
Each of these Work things take energy of mind and body…and some spirit as well. Yes, it is true, email correspondence takes time and energy. I have emails in my inbox that are months old because I haven’t yet had the time and energy to answer them fully from my heart. I will, just, when my body and heart are ready…and that’s hard with no motivation.
I mustered some more.
Muster (Noun)
a group of peacocks.
Did you know that a group of peacocks is called a muster? Huh. Fancy that. Did you also know that the spiritual meaning of the peacock is “the epitome of beauty. This graceful power animal offers lessons about self-love, honor, integrity and the importance of facing life’s challenges as well as the unknown with courage and confidence. When the peacock struts gracefully into your life you may be entering a time of rebirth.”
Oh, she’s strutting alright, and she’s bringing in the mustering swagger I need. I’m writing this blog, aren’t I? A mustered result!
Christmas is peacocking around the corner. Time is passing quickly (how is it December 12?!), but also slowly (when will the break begin?!), and I have a feeling we’re all navigating the hibernate vs. get-shit-did pathway that is the holidays.
Also, if you’ve already eaten chocolate that was meant for a stocking or a gift, welcome to the club. It’s a happy club!
What are you reading?
I’m reading ‘Vanessa & Virginia’ by Susan Sellers, ‘All Fours’ by Miranda July, ‘A Friend Sails in on a Poem’ by Molly Peacock, and ‘A Ghost in the Throat’ by Doireann Ní Ghríofa. Four books at a time, you betcha!
And yes, I also have to muster up to read. These books each speak to/grasp a different part of my heart, so I sort of check in and see what my heart needs before I settle in.
Oh, I also have to catch up on my Goodreads…put in all the books I’ve read this year…and oh, it’s the end of another year…I should probably do a post about that…and what’s my word for 2024? Gotta write about that too…Nope. Nope. One thing at a time, V.
Muster an ending.
Holiday films I’ve watched thus far: Home Alone, The Holiday, While You Were Sleeping, Meet Me in St. Louis, Jingle All the Way, Dear Santa, Love Actually, The Family Man, Love the Coopers, Noelle, The Noel Diary, The Sound of Music, Let It Snow…and a couple Hallmark-y films that were so bad I couldn’t stop watching.
Holiday films I’ll be watching next: Die Hard, Uncle Buck, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Elf, The Holdovers, Nutcrackers, Office Christmas Party, Christmas with the Kranks.
Holiday films with specific viewing terms: White Christmas, I watch while I wrap gifts. The Family Stone, I watch alone on Christmas Eve. The Polar Express, we watch as a family, clad in new pajamas, on Christmas Eve. (Then we read ‘The Night Before Christmas’, each reading a page in a different voice/accent.)
Happy Mustering, my dear peacocks!
