How to Not Write a Book Without Even Trying

I am going to take a quick moment to give you instructions on how to not write a novel. And let me just say that it is very tricky. But if you're heck-bent on succeeding at failure it can be done.

First, have an uber-talented child go on tour with a performing group. And make sure he's in not one, but two groups. If you play your cards right this will entail a half hour of driving (each way) and four hours of performing at least four days a week, often five. Not including rehearsal time.

Second, participate in a wild and crazy medical study that involves two hours each day of an "exercise" that takes complete concentration but does not burn any calories or build any muscles. (Any more info would be TMI, trust me.)

Third, break your laptop. Just trip right over the cord and bend the plug, resulting in absolute blank computer monitor.

And that's it! Follow these steps precisely and you too can have an entire month of almost no progress on your manuscript. And believe me, June can't get here soon enough--assuming that laptop gets fixed. It's all in my head--I just have to get it on paper!