How Spoopy! I mean … “Spooky”

One thing about being a horror writer that some probably might find odd:

I’m squeamish about horror stuff

I instinctively worry when people say they’re disturbed or scared from my works.

Two things but who’s counting?

When people say my works bother or disturb them, I have the instinct to go into apology mode, lol. Very “I didn’t mean to cause you such a frighten”.

Me, basically.

It doesn’t always dawn on me that my works are pretty dark so when people tell me they’re scared or disturbed by what they read, I usually respond with an “awww, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!” by reflex.

I write horror.

Not uwu horror. Not cozy horror. “It’s obvious I watch really messed up stuff and think about messed up stuff” horror. Then again, I usually don’t know it counts as horror until friends read it and go, “This is horror” or it gets accepted to a horror magazine, which is what happened to my short story “Null(Void)” for Nightlight. Sometimes I can tell but apparently I think my horror is a lot lighter than others take it. Mind you, I will happily watch security camera videos of mass shootings with zero filter or mosaics, zilch problem whatsoever, so probably what I find disturbing is possibly different from others. I don’t mind discussing dark subjects because it’s part of life, whether people like it or not. Horror is about fear and what we fear and I have two trauma disorders so, welp, I have a pretty thorough understanding of that. And then there’s the fact that what may frighten one person up a wall may not bother someone else.

I’m not really a horror fanatic, either. No horror magazines. No horror movies. Nada.

I’m too squeamish.

When I watched a video of an eye doctor discussing how to put in and take out contact lenses, as well as doing it, I was so squeamish! Augh! I’ll watch a hard hitting documentary about Cambodia’s Year Zero with no issue but contact lens placement and removal? No no no no no nono.

I can’t watch a needle go into so someone, too squeamish. I’m a fright to work with when I have to get vaccinated or go to the eye doctor. I have frightened other patients when I would go to get my eyes checked (yay, wearing glasses) and thus have to get checked for glaucoma or any other test that requires stuff being near my eye. I remember seeing one kid who looked mortified in his seat because of all the yelling I did behind closed doors. I never stick with the same eye doctor twice because I’m such a delight. Well, except for the one eye doctor who also knew Wing Chun just like me. Then they moved their practice.

I don’t watch a lot of horror films because I’m squeamish – but I’ll play horror based video games like Dead By Daylight, where I play as the killer instead of the survivor. I’m not as squeamish of horror movies now like I was before, thankfully. I think learning how those kind of movies are made kind of helped. I tried sitting through one, Hellraiser.

It confused me.

As a kid, when it first came out in theatres, I thought Pinhead, the bad guy, looked fascinating and thought he was the good guy, kind of like how the movie The Crow works. If I saw the film as a kid, the gore would have definitely bothered me – because I was a kid. Now as an adult, some of the movie magic seems pretty obvious so I can focus on the story … which baffled me.

I then learned something I also kind of felt about horror movies: They’re usually Anxiety Dreams of Christian or Christian-Influenced White People on Film (Particularly White Men). I’m a Black, Pagan, queer nonbinary woman* with disorders (one of which is in too many inaccurate horror movies, dissociative identity disorder**) so the story usually falls apart pretty fast on me within the first 10 minutes. I also have a background in media cultural deconstruction so I’m usually disecting these movies instead of enjoying them. The “Jesus wept” at the end of *Hellraiser* still baffles me and I even looked it up. I was raised Christian but I switched religions about 20 years ago so that’s all a faded memory. I bet if I were still Christian, the film would have more of a punch with me. Actually, I remember saying that a lot while watching it. “If I were a White guy, this film would probably have me gripping my seat.” “If I were still Christian, this scene would probably have more impact to me.” Etc etc. Instead, I was too confused by the storyline to be scared, it just looked super disjointed and like the creators jumped around on bloody, slapdash versions of Bible school moral stories.

And these are made by the same group of people who would think “Get Out” was a comedy – which means every Black person who was in a theatre full of White people got a horror 4D/XD experience no one would ever want.

It’s about audience, basically. I’ve seen bits of “The Shining” (I don’t think I’ve ever completed a single Stephen King anything in my life. And this includes stuff that was given to me as summer reading schoolwork) and the stuff that seem to earn its “ooOOooOooooOoO” factor kind of fell flat to me but that’s because I think Kubrick sucks as a director (it took him over a 100 takes for a single scene and created an abusive environment for his female lead because he somehow can’t communicate well, that’s brilliance? Pfft. That’s pathetic). I can see where the horror can live in being a woman trapped with a deeply narcissistic guy who is so caught up in himself he’s considering giving “serial killer vibes” a dry try but I already have seen films like Battered, which is about real women (including women of color) living that life and the very real difficulties of leaving, especially as a woman in that era, where you couldn’t even open up a bank account with out a husband, father or male family member there. And I think both of those films were made in the 1970s. Yeah, I’m a woman but I can tell a guy wrote the story, given how hapless the woman is. It seemed like a great film to make guys who probably are more like the ax-wielding jerk-off than they would like to admit to feel “I could have protected her if I were there, how awful for her” but it sucked if you were anyone else.

I’m not that cut out for horror media, frankly. I write it but I don’t really look at it. It’s not that I avoid scary things or things that are upsetting, but this stuff doesn’t really ring me. Especially when it comes from people who think me talking about my day as a Black person is obscenely frightening but will watch Jason Vorheeves all day.

Actually! I watched a walkthrough of a horror attraction, Field of Screams. My sister would go to one every year and her tales were more interesting than what I saw. It seemed more of the same milquetoast White people horror, but make it in-person. Stereotypical insane asylums, rednecks going wild, dazed-eyed characters played by actors who are not always the best at doing a dazed eye, stuff like that. I genuinely do hope the actors are having fun because that’s what it is, high-velocity acting. Jumpscares, bang-clang noises and dark rooms, stuff that pretty cheap and quick in low grade horror. That stuff can be genuinely scary, that’s why Field of Screams is full of it. They have only about an hour of your time to spook you. Granted, the IRS can terrify by surprise with just a five minute email on a bright Wednesday afternoon. A landlord “just popping by tomorrow, got a call about something” text in the middle of morning coffee can be haunting. And those are things that are more likely to happen to you in regular real life than some distorted looking clown holding a chainsaw.

It’s also probably why I’m sometimes a little caught by surprise when people find my work very dark or disturbing. I don’t think I write too dark and I am not big on splatterpunk, blood-blood-everywhere. Blood does show up in my works but I’m not over the top, Rob-Zombie-eat-your-heart-out gory about it. I’m probably a bit super gothic about it, if anything. I listen to My Chemical Romance and Korn, what? I don’t go “What if people of color were allowed to exist unharassed or have full civil rights? ooOOoOOoOOoOooOoo” or “What if women could do what they want with their bodies? OoooOoooooOOOoOoOoO” or “What if queer people just existed in peace, no harm no foul oOoOOOooOOoOOOoOOoO” things like that in my works lol. I just write the story however way it will go and that sometimes means occasional slashy-slashy, either of the self or of someone else. People murk people in real life. People harm people in real life. People harm themselves in real life. We get to see it all the time, sometimes painted as a good thing, sometimes painted as a non-issue/”why do you care?”, things like that. So it does catch me a bit unawares when someone gives me a “oooh, this does me a frighten!” about my works. I think because I don’t go “I’mma make a horror!” when I start a work. It just turns out that way.

I think the most horror writer thing about me is the fact I have bunny slippers based on my blood type, which I did have to gouge myself with a lancelet a few times to learn. The slippers are total adorbz tho and they’re from the bunny blood type line from Hello Home.

I’m also into menhera, which is a fashion style/lifestyle based on having a mental illness – it’s living vent art, basically. Vent art is exactly what it sounds like, art that is meant to vent your feelings. Vent art is really impactful to me because it details the frustrations of having a disorder but moreso the greater frustrations of trying to get it treated, to be treated like a human being or get treated seriously. Yes, it’s going to be filled with art where people glorify suicide and being in full-on mania from time to time, it’s about venting about life with the disorder, not pretending it doesn’t exist so ableists won’t treat you like dirt or patronize you as if you’re their life inspiration story. It’s very dark but at least it’s honest. I love things like that. It’s unsettling and disruptive and very point-blank. Short, sweet, straight to the point. No “Here, call 988 to get some stranger who doesn’t care to talk to you”, it’s very raw and I prefer it. I guess when you’re used to seeing stuff like that, it can be a surprise when you hear from others what you make can unsettle them.

I still don’t fully know how to take “your work scares me” outside of blather apology, even tho friends have mentioned “isn’t it a good thing that your scary work scares people? Why apologize? It means you’re good at writing”. I get that it’s a good sign as a horror writer to horrify people but still, I didn’t always know it was a horror.

*Non-binary is a very wide umbrella. Read about it
** You want to know what horror looks like? Try having DID and exist around people who treat those horror movies about DID as scholarly training videos and academically-based life documentaries. And let that be about 98.99999999999999999% of the people you meet, including employers and doctors