invisible me

KODAK Digital Still Camera

i’m listening to rewilding with sabrina lynn
a friend recommended it.
& here is another message from the universe for me to let go of an old pattern that is no longer serving me.
i have gotten the 9 of vessels card in my liberation tarot deck four times in the past couple of weeks of doing daily draws. the card tells me that i need to be emotionally honest in order to actualize my most sacred desires.
every time i get the card, i cry, mostly because i DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM NOT BEING HONEST ABOUT.
then i caught myself telling my ex-husband i am cursed (i try not to tell him these things because i worry that he is the one cursing me.)
i lamented that i hadn’t gotten laid in four years & cannot even get friends & family to read my stories. i lamented that i am cursed with invisibility….
but while listening to sabrina lynn i realized I AM THE ONE CURSING MYSELF.
when i was a kid, i had to turn invisible to survive the violence of my childhood. it was done to save myself.
then it became comfortable, so i just stayed invisible.
it’s scary for me to think about being seen.
so i have woven this awesome spell of invisibility that i have no idea how to get back out of.
& then i worry that maybe it is too scary to risk being seen. maybe it is better to stay invisible so that i am always safe & don’t have to risk being hurt….
long story short…i don’t know if i can do it. i don’t know if i can manifest myself after so many (so many!) years of being invisible.

but at least i’m going to stop blaming everyone else for my never being seen.
it’s not you; it’s not him.
it’s me.
my bad.