How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

Are you frustrated or angry with your colleagues but hesitating to address your concerns directly? Do you tend to express your dissatisfaction indirectly by being sarcastic, saying one thing while doing another, or dragging your feet on delivering what they want?  Unfortunately, your choices leave you and your teammates mired in dysfunction. You deserve better than that. It’s time to stop being passive-aggressive. But how?

First, let’s talk about why you might be acting passively-aggressive in the first place. That’s important because passive-aggression is usually the result of fear, anxiety, or insecurity. You’re angry, frustrated, or hostile toward your colleague. Still, you don’t feel confident that you could express those sentiments directly without creating an aversive response from them in return (e.g., getting yelled at, ostracized, or fired). So, cut yourself some slack; humans do many sub-optimal things when we feel afraid. You’re not alone.

Now, just because passive-aggressive behavior can be explained doesn’t mean it’s a good coping strategy. It’s usually a pretty bad strategy because you don’t give the other person a chance to fix what’s upsetting you, so you get stuck in the problem. Worse, you soak in your negative thoughts and feelings in a way that’s terrible for your health. You’ll feel much better if you learn a more constructive way of managing your negative emotions.

The Steps to Be Less Passive-Aggressive

These strategies, which apply both in the moment and over the longer term, will help you become more aware of your actions and better able to make different choices.

Notice When It’s Happening

As with any behavior change, it’s impossible to make a different choice if you’re unaware of your default choice. It might be helpful to look at a few examples of passive-aggressive behavior to see if you recognize any as part of your modus operandi.

The American Psychological Association defines it as “behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive.” Examples I see frequently include:

Withdrawing (e.g., Giving someone the silent treatment, withholding eye contact, ghosting their emails)Deflecting (e.g., using sarcasm or humor to express your anger indirectly, blaming someone or something to take the heat off of you)Resisting (e.g., procrastinating, seeking endless clarifications, being a perfectionist)Playing the victim (e.g., complaining of unfairness, feeling misunderstood or mistreated)Dig Deeper

As you learn to recognize your passive-aggressive behaviors, dig deeper to understand the chain of events that lead to the behavior. Start with identifying the negative emotions in your body. Where do they show up? Do you clench your jaw, flush in the face, get fidgety, feel your heart racing, get louder, or slump your shoulders?  What are the base emotions being triggered in your body?

Next, how do you interpret those physical sensations in your mind? Are you recounting an unpleasant experience over and over, are your thoughts scattered, or are you playing out a variety of scenarios for how things might go catastrophically wrong? Being in touch with the physical and cognitive components of your reactions will help you spot these patterns sooner, giving you more time to change course.

Understand Why

The choice to behave passively-aggressive includes two phases. First, you conclude that the other person is somehow threatening and deserves your ire. Second, you decide that responding directly is unsafe. At this point, you want to interrogate your thought process and see if those assumptions hold up.

What did the person do or say that’s making me angry?What am I concluding about their intentions?What is it that I value that feels under threat?

Now, switch to the second half of the problem; you conclude that it’s better to be passive and indirect than to talk about the issue openly. Again, do those assumptions pass the sniff test?

What has happened in the past that makes me think I can’t be direct?What am I imagining would happen?Are my concerns realistic? What is the likelihood that something terrible will happen?

Your brain is probably concocting scary stories about how your colleague is “out to get you” and that if you try to defend yourself, you’ll “get in trouble.” Sadly, your brain is trying to protect you, but it’s probably overreacting.

It’s worth considering the possibility that the person isn’t intentionally trying to upset you and, even if they are, that it might actually make things better if you deal with it head-on rather than lurking in the shadows.

Flip the Script

Another great exercise is considering what is going on for the other person. You’re interpreting their behavior as threatening or adversarial. Is that a fair assessment? What might have caused them to behave as they did? Are there explanations less nefarious than the ones you’ve settled on?

Vent Early

One of the secrets to reducing passive-aggressive behavior is to learn to vent your frustration before it builds into an explosive emotion you can’t control. Do this by making brief remarks that signal your growing concerns. You could try, “I’m not with you yet,” or “That’s not what I was expecting,” or “I’m not sure that takes into account our side of things.” By expressing your concerns early and relatively innocuously, you create a space for your teammates to engage with you directly.

Another alternative for venting is to get out of the situation and give your body time to process the powerful emotions you’re experiencing and your mind a chance to change your response. It’s incredible how much it can help change your perspective if you walk, exercise, relax, dance, paint, play video games, or even sleep. Give yourself some time for big emotions to dissipate.

Generate Options

Now’s your chance to consider more constructive ways to express your frustration or anger to improve the situation. In the moment, you might only be able to come up with one or two plausible options, but if you plan some routes in advance, the list could be long.

Feedback: what would I say to let the person know the impact of their behavior on me?Request: What would I ask for that would help me feel more fairly treated?Ask: What question could I ask that would help the person see my side of the issue?Support: Who might be able to express my perspective better than I can right now?Expose: What would I say if I was willing to be fully candid with the person?Own It

While addressing your passive-aggressive tendencies, take accountability for your past behavior. If you have been passive-aggressive with a person in the past, tell them what you did and explain why. Don’t blame your behavior on them, but tell them about your choices in response to their behavior. That might look like, “When you questioned my approach in front of the team, I stopped raising the issue in our meetings and went directly to Barb. I realize now that wasn’t helpful.”

If you trust the person, you can ask for their help. “I’m trying to improve at this, but I don’t always feel confident expressing my concerns directly. Could you help me?”

Help Someone Else

One of the best ways to learn a new behavior is to teach it to someone else. Why not create an accountability buddy who’s also working on handling difficult situations more constructively? As you help them notice their passive-aggressive choices, you’ll become more aware of your own. As you coach them about healthier options, you’ll see where those strategies might work for you, too. And if your attempts at being more direct turn sour one day, you’ll have someone with whom to commiserate and course-correct.

Repair the Damage

Finally, invest time to think more systemically about your passive-aggressive tendencies … What patterns repeatedly come up for you? Are there things you value strongly that, if violated, tend to trigger a passive-aggressive response? For example, do you value being liked and included? If so, do behaviors you interpret as being left out, ignored, or devalued cause you to withdraw or lash out against the person, making you feel like an outcast with sarcasm or gossip?

One final thought. Some underlying causes of passive-aggressive behavior might be too big and too deep for you to tackle on your own. If you were raised in a family where it was unsafe to speak your mind or you had a traumatic experience in the workplace, you might benefit from professional help. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program, that would be a good place to start. Otherwise, your doctor might be able to refer you to a therapist who can help you work through the issues safely and systematically.

Passive-aggressive behavior might feel satisfying in the moment, but it harms you and everyone around you. Resolve to work on your passive-aggressive behavior and find better alternatives to advocate for what you need.

Additional Resources

Why Are People So Passive-Aggressive?

How to Be Less Emotional at Work

Sanjana Gupta How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

 

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