What is true masculine strength?

Today someone messaged me on Instagram after digging up an old post of mine from like 2016 on why Christian men should be more assertive. That post had come about as a result of hearing complaints from numerous women about how all the dudes in their churches were passive or boring, and that’s why so many of them had begun to date non-Christian guys.
And I’ve seen this in my own life too. I know that there can be shame presented about dating and relationships and anything with even a whiff of sexuality, therefore, Christian men retreated to the opposite extreme of being overly polite, passive, and boring. And therefore, terrified to ask a woman out.
…which leads them to date non-Christian ‘bad boys’ because at least they’ll be assertive and at the very least, interesting.
I don’t think I worded it too well in the old post, and should have clarified some of my terms, but that was the gist. And I stand by that idea — that Christian men need to get better at being more forward and asking women out, and so on.
But the guy who messaged me today took that encouragement as a negative. He thought that by encouraging men to be more assertive and masculine, I was encouraging them to become school shooters, sexually assault women, and use their power to manipulate people (yes, really…I could show you the screenshots! He also included the stat that more men commit suicide than women for some reason).
Of course, nothing could be further from the truth!
I tried to explain that being assertive or courageous to go ask out a woman is not remotely the same as being assertive enough to shoot up a movie theater. One is rooted in courage and goodness, the other in fear and hate. Our culture has a serious issue of conflating strength and masculinity with all (or, only) the bad aspects of it. Or the twisted, toxic version of masculinity, at the expense of all the good things it brings.
After all, is strength inherently a good or bad thing? I would argue, good! Regardless of whether we are talking about physical strength or mental or emotional, being strong will always be a positive.
Do you want weak firefighters or coast guard troopers coming to rescue you?
Do you want weak construction workers building the buildings you live and work in?
Would you prefer an emotionally weak romantic partner who just crumbles at every little hiccup that comes their way?
Of course not!
Yet we have an aversion to strength, because we conflate it with power. And power is also an inherently morally neutral entity, but it can be so easily misused. I would argue, however, that the type of strength I’m talking about when I use a term like ‘strong men’ is inherently, always good.
A strong man chooses to love his wife, and only his wife, even when there are countless temptations trying to pull him to the right and left. A strong man is not the man who uses his power or physical strength to force women to be with him — that’s not strength, that’s weakness and insecurity.
A strong man is able to be gentle. My definition of gentleness is ‘strength restrained.’ Gentle is not synonymous with weak. So, a man who is strong is able to be gentle when it’s appropriate, like a father wrestling his toddler. A man who is powerful but not strong has no restraint — they lash out, fight, dominate, etc. It takes strength to truly show gentleness. For the best example of this, look at Jesus, who could have clicked His tongue and eviscerated His persecutors, but chose to suffer for their sake instead. That is strength restrained — it shows the strength of Jesus that He did not do that.
Strong masculinity protects others. I think there is a misconception that this means the guy whose home is filled with 14 assault rifles and wants to shoot anyone who trespasses on his property. But I think the idea of protection is much more multifaceted than “stop anyone else who would come and touch my family.” Like the Apostle Paul says, our struggle is not against flesh and blood. So what does it mean to protect the spirits and souls and hearts of others? To make sure they don’t get hurt by my own shortcomings, or in a fit of rage I may throw? I think that, in most situations, strength protects all others, not just my own tribe. And that’s not an easy thing to do. Sometimes it means having the strength to forgive someone who wronged me.
I also think there is an ethical dimension of strength — choosing to do the right thing, even if it is not the most beneficial. For a simple example, look at Batman, who chooses not to kill people, even if that would be both easier and probably feel better. Wouldn’t it be easier to take an uzi and mow down all the mobsters? But Batman is able to restrain himself (not necessarily gently, lol) and choose the most right thing while executing justice.
What about other forms of strength, like mental, inventive, emotional resilience, etc? How many times did Edison try to make a working lightbulb? (over 2,000) There is a strength in forging ahead to paint a better future for our world, and often it starts in the mind.
This is not a comprehensive list by any means. But I think it’s enough to show that (masculine) strength is not an inherently bad thing, as it is often portrayed today. I would argue that it is an inherent good, like many things that can be twisted and misused, on the same shelf as sex, power, ambition, or even speech (with the same tongue you encourage people and tear them down).
And I would wager that most women out there don’t want a weak, passive, or boring man. Navigating masculinity, and becoming a man who is strong but not aggressive; assertive but not overbearing; interesting but not narcissistic, is quite a challenge. What do you think?
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Day 83 of 100 Days of Blog
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