Blogging and the Value of Unpublished Thoughts

Blogging allows me to share my thoughts with a potential audience, and this motivates me to write in a way that a private notebook, diary, or log does not. But there are oftentimes situtations when not having your thoughts put out for the world to see is a good thing. I do think that “X” (Twitter), FB, Reddit, and more can lure people into dumping thoughts that should have not been shared unfiltered into a place where everyone can (potentially) see and critique. I was watching a video on Youtube by “Jess of the Shire” on things that J.R.R. Tolkien allegedly disliked. But in the presentation, the host noted that Tolkien was rather uncomfortable with having an ardent fan base. He wrote lots of letters and these have become fuel for his followers to dissect his beliefs and, in a sense, who he was. He was self-aware enough, however, to recognize that he would use very strong words of criticism for some things and then feel the need to backtrack. Private letters may seem like a window into a man’s soul… but this is often far from true. Our true self may not be what is written down quickly in the heat of a specific cricumstance. Unfortunately, people often latch onto the harsh words and ignore the nuance of the context, or the correction later. I remember reading about a person (I forgot who it is now) who was jokingly described as “never having an unpublished thought.” This was meant to be a humorous jab at his prodigious written output. However, today some forms of social media, make the hyperbole come close to being possible. For me… I am glad that many of my thoughts go unpublished, and many things I have written have disappeared. Here are several.

I wrote a ton of stuff online back in the 1980s on Compuserve… especially on its Religion Forum. While there were things I wrote back then that I think I would still be proud of, I am glad that the Compuserve database was lost to history. Overall, I was a 20 something still trying to gain an understanding of who I am and what I believe. I recall a humorous and edgy (and completely unoriginal) story of killing Santa. I recall another member of the Religion Forum describing me as the “nicest right-wing militaristic jerk” that she knew. Today, I would not describe myself as right-wing or militaristic— not as sure about “nice” or “jerk.” I do have a certain pride for myself in that I was one of the less unhinged Evangelical Christian voices on the forum. Most Evangelicals (that joined this forum at least) couldn’t seem to handle being in a religiously pluralistic, non-proselytizing environment. However, I suspect that my memories of stupid things I wrote back then were all too true, while the awesome things I wrote wouldn’t sound so awesome now.Also back in the very late 1980s, I wrote something that might be described as a “suicide note.” Technically, it wasn’t. I was not planning to commit suicide. However, I was very depressed at the time… and writing down my despair was a form of self-soothing. As usually happens (I hope most can say “usually”) life got better, the letter lost its purpose, and I ripped it up.Early 1990s. I wrote a letter to my parents. In the letter I had the sentence, “I loathe the Navy.” I was in the Navy at the time. Loathing the Navy was hardly a hot-take. The most common graffiti one would find on Navy property (about the only graffiti one would find) was the letters, “FTN”. It stood for “F___ the Navy.” So why am I glad that this personal letter with a pretty common opinion no longer exists? Soon after I had written it, US Presidential candidate Bill Clinton was revealed to have written a letter (I think to to military recruiter?) with the statement in it to the effect, “I despise the military” or “I loathe the military.” He was given years of hate and flack for this. Today I DO think that American Evangelical Christians have a seriously unhealthy fascination with war and equally unhealthy love of the military. Still, I don’t really want my entire opinion about this institution boiled down into one single sound bite.Late 1990s, I wrote a “Letter to the Editor” in a local newspaper. I actually wrote more than one… but one in particular I am very uncomfortable with today. I wrote in support of landmines. Now, a bit of context is needed here. At the time. Princess Diana (King Charles’ first wife) was really pushing for a worldwide ban on landmines. My take on it was that it is weird that of all the horrible destructive toys we have created to kill people— it is the one whose primary purpose is defensive in nature that seems to be drawing the greatest revulsion from the populace. Even today I think that is a valid critique. However, I fear that my letter lacked… nuance. Perhaps landmines are SLIGHTLY less horrific than other military devices created to kill people (less horrific DESPITE the fact that they are hidden and can still be viable decades later), but they are pretty awful and certainly don’t need me to defend them. In this case, I suppose that, in some library out there, my letter to the editor exists and could be dredged up. I do not find this comforting.Late 2010s. My dad, shortly before he died, wrote his own autobiography. He wrote it for family… not for the world. I am thankful he did it and I plan in the next few months to move it from typewritten on paper, to digital. I thought I should do the same for myself as well. So I did. However, I wrote it during a bit of a triple-whammy in my life. First, all three of my children were struggling. All three of them were struggling with atopic dermatitis. This was hard on all three… but particularly on one. Second, all of them were in their teen to early 20s. They were old enough to reflect on the possibility that their parents “screwed up their lives” by hauling them to the other side of the world. At the time, they were definitely in “blame the parents” in their thinking. Third, we had gone through some ministerial struggles. We had lost a lot of our financial support and so had to make some really tough decisions as to where we lived and what we did; and our ministry was surviving, but it was not clear that it was thriving. It seemed very possible at the time to think that we had made a big mistake and then made our kids suffer for that mistake. So when I wrote my autobiography, I wrote it filtered through those circumstance. I never shared it… even at the time I think I realized that it needed some time for reflection. One of these days I will update it and share it… with family. I really don’t have any interest in writing a missionary autobiography for the world.

Social media can lure one into saying things best left unsaid. One day I started arguing with one of the most stupid, bigoted men I have ever come across. I don’t know the guy, but he is a friend of an acquaintance of mine. I started to get drawn into a word storm on FB. Suddenly I stopped and asked, “What am I doing? Maybe I should just back away.” But I heard a voice in my head say, “But if you do that, the most stupid, bigoted man on FB wins!” I wrestled with this for a couple of days. In the end, I simply dropped out of the thread. I also almost completely stopped using FB except for putting in occasional “likes” for other people’s stuff, and even more occasionally putting a picture or something in just to prove that I am not dead. It was the right decision. Allowing myself to be pulled into soul-crushing arguments with people I don’t know or respect is losing regardless of whether I feel I actually won the verbal sparring. As far as Twitter (“X”) I have even less understanding why anyone uses it. I tried it for a few months and then dropped out. Then I wondered whether I had given it a fair shake and went back in. A few weeks after I realized that I had given it more than a fair shake. There was NOTHING there that to be gained from it… and it is a temptation to put foolish things on that should never be published.

I look back at my posts on this website (www.munsonmissions.org) with complex feelings. I know that my mind has changed on some things over the years. On occasion, I have done some editing. However, generally, I have felt that having a historical record of my thoughts is a benefit to me… regardless of whether it is beneficial to others. However, I worry that search engines might lead people to old posts that I today may feel will not guide the reader well. So I am not sure what I will do in the future. Perhaps I will find some posts that I would want do delete and I feel I have that right. There was one post I recall doing a decade ago, that I think I would be quite uncomfortable with now. Strangely, I haven’t found it. Perhaps I never saved it. If I find it, I probably won’t delete it… but I would edit it.