By Looking at the Bigger Picture.

What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.”
– Paulo Coelho

The saying, ‘there is two sides to every story’ echoed so true to me at my mother’s funeral nine years ago.

Mum’s passing opened up not only old wounds within the family but also threw a new light on a relationship which was always seen as being on the outside of my siblings and l as we were growing up.
I have a half-brother, Alan who I always viewed as my father’s son, not as one of my siblings. I suppose it’s our age differences which separate us in my mind. My parents divorced when l was a teenager.

When Alan arrived at my mother’s funeral I was shocked but only because my mother would have disapproved of him being there. Alan, after reading about her death in the local paper, felt he needed to be there.

Of course, I was polite to Alan. After all, he was as much a victim as I was of my father’s betrayal to my mother. My mother had been betrayed not only her husband but by a woman she called a friend. Then my mother was betrayed by her mother-in-law. ( my grandmother) She told her son that he should divorce my mother and marry Alan’s mother as a child shouldn’t be born out of wedlock.
I never blamed Alan, but l never view him as ‘my’ brother. He had his mother’s family and cousins on her side.

At mum’s funeral my dear friend made a comment that made me step back and look at the bigger picture.
I had never thought to ask Alan how he viewed us, Dad’s first family as we were called at my father’s funeral, where our names were never read out.

A day after Mother’s funeral, I phoned him to apologise for to let him know that my mother had passed away. l asked him how he viewed our relationship.
‘You are my sister, ‘ he said in a puzzled tone, as though it had always been obvious.

The pain that ripped through my heart was unmeasurable. This poor man who saw me as a sister has stood on the edge of my life thought more of me than my own siblings.

The difficulties and unhappiness I had experienced between my two sisters over the years as I fought to be a loving, caring sister to them faded away with the realisation that I could have had a better relationship with my half-brother.

Whenever I visited my father I was never rude or unkind to Alan but never thought that he saw me as his sister visiting him too.

I suppose l could blame my father for not including us his children in his young son’s life, or l could blame Alan for not phoning me for a chat over the passing years. After my father passed away, I neglected Alan and his mother and focused on my own mother. I felt I would be betraying her if l spent my time with Alan and his mother.

Sometimes it is best to turn your back on the painful relationships and focus on the ones who value you in their lives.

The poem below was written after one of my visits to see my mother in her nursing home. It wasn’t long after that visit my husband and I sat at her bedside for two days waiting for the angels to show my mother the way to her ancestors.

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With the Deepest Respect.

I looked death in the face today.
It was a face I recognised, and I had to turn away.
Sorrow filled my heart as I recalled the pain that was left behind when she came calling.
Death gave a gentle smile. “It’s okay” she said “I won’t be back for you for quite awhile.”

I gave a slight nod and thanked her, as l turned to go. It didn’t ease the pain in my heart to know she wasn’t visiting me today. My sorrow was for the one who’s dearly departed now, and their friends and family left behind.

I looked death in the face today and lowered my head in respect knowing she would be back for me someday.

Our time on earth is so short to worry about people who don’t want us in their lives. It’s hard for me just to walk away but sometimes you have to in order to find peace.

Keep smiling, dear friend and find joy in the smallest of things.