Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1468 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear agent,

When seventeen-year-old thief, Dex, collides with an assassin, she seizes the opportunity to steal one of his fallen letters. The note promises gold for delivering a gift basket—enough to buy her sister’s freedom from the brothel. But Dex’s plan unravels when the delivery is an actual contract, and when she tries to flee, she’s framed for murder. [Not clear to me what you mean by the delivery is an actual contract. The gift basket contained a contract? Is she supposed to deliver a contract to someone? Why does that make her flee, rather than just deliver the contract?] [Who got murdered?]

On the run, Dex is captured by the assassins she impersonated. Thinking she fulfilled the contract, they offer her a choice: join their ranks or die. Terrified they’ll learn the truth, she accepts and begins training with Tristin, a ruthless mentor. Slowly drawn to him like a poison, she realizes he holds many secrets, enough to question where his true loyalties lie. [People aren't normally drawn to poison, so I'm not sure what is meant by "drawn to him like a poison." Is she drawn to him like he's poison, or like she's a poison, or is she drawn to him like poison is drawn to him? None makes sense to me.]

As she plots her escape, she uncovers the assassin's plan to steal a powerful artifact that can control kingdoms—freeing her sister might be impossible now. Worse, Tristin’s secrets could endanger her sister’s life. Now Dex must decide: play along or risk everything for her sister, knowing one wrong move could mean disaster. [Vague.]

Mix Assassin’s Creed with Pride and Prejudice to get BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS (89,000) a YA romance fantasy. Readers will be swept up by this gritty tale of betrayal and loyalty. This is a standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to readers who like Heartless Hunters by Kristen Ciccarelli and One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig.

Notes

I have less of an idea of what is going on than I did after the previous version. And it doesn't seem that you went with many of my previous suggestions. Which could mean they were irrelevant. Maybe I need another cup of coffee, and one of my minions will steer you right in the comments.