How to Deal with a Colleague Who Yells

In one of my keynotes, I ask the audience which is more uncomfortable: navigating a colleague who is crying or one who is yelling. The responses have shifted over the past decade. Where once it was sadness or vulnerability that made people squeamish, today, it’s anger. Unfortunately, with tensions running high and patience running low, it’s not uncommon to hear raised voices at work. So, how do you deal with a colleague who yells?

Why Do People Yell at Work?

First, consider a few options for why your colleague is yelling at you. As much as possible, try to withhold judgment and put yourself in their shoes. Judgment will only hinder communication.

They Don’t Feel Heard

Your colleague may be yelling because they don’t feel they’re being heard. Maybe they even feel shut down. If you or others are failing to acknowledge their point, they may repeat the same thing while turning up the volume knob. This is frustration-based yelling.

They Are Afraid

My husband and business partner, who is a neuroscientist, reminds me that anger is a common manifestation when someone is anxious. Your colleague might be yelling because their threat triggers have taken them from uncertainty and fear into fight mode. This is anxiety-based yelling.

They Know It Works

A completely different take on why your colleague is yelling is that it works. That is, it gets them the reaction they’re looking for. When they yell, it might get you to pay attention to their priorities or to move faster. It might get you to stop asking challenging questions. This is power-based yelling.

It’s important to recognize that there are myriad reasons why your colleague might be yelling at you (or just yelling near you). The more you understand the underpinnings of their emotional outburst, the easier it will be to react in a way that de-escalates and dissipates the emotion so you can get back to solving the underlying issue.

How to Calm a Person Who’s Yelling

Can I just say that the one way you will not calm someone down when they are yelling is to say, “Calm down.” Especially if you say it sternly, “CALM DOWN!” or in that sickly condescending teacher tone, “Ok, caalm dooown.”

There are better techniques, including:

Acknowledge the Importance

If you suspect your colleague is yelling because they’re experiencing something distressing (such as not being heard or being afraid), acknowledging the importance of what they’re experiencing can be a great place to start. I say, “This is important. What do I need to understand?”

It’s almost humorous how this question lands. The person is expecting you to respond in kind or to issue a rebuke, and when your question comes without judgment but instead with a genuine desire to understand where they’re coming from, it’s often disorienting for them—in a good way, of course.

Help them Translate to Facts

Whenever you encounter strong emotions at work, one of the best services you can provide is to help the person translate their feelings into facts. This is especially valuable if they’re experiencing anxiety-based emotions because the strong feelings are likely drowning out the facts.

The best antidote to anxiety is action, so if you can help them articulate what is worrying them, they’ll be more likely to identify an action that would help improve things. Here’s how a conversation might go:

COLLEAGUE: ‘This plan is SO UNREALISTIC. THERE’S NO WAY I CAN DO THAT. I’M SCREWED!”

(Don’t disagree or contradict. Don’t agree. Just validate what you heard.)

YOU: “Ok, you feel like this plan is unrealistic, and you’re set up to fail.”

COLLEAGUE: “YES!”

YOU: “Which parts of the plan do you see as most unrealistic?” or “What makes it such a stretch?” and maybe “What would it take to deliver it?”

COLLEAGUE: “IT’S THE TWO-DAY TIME FRAME FOR QA. We only have three QA people right now, so there’s no way!”

(Notice the yelling subsides somewhere in there as you make the space to hear their concerns.)

YOU: “How long would it take to do the QA with our current team?” or “Is there any way to send the Q&A to our team in Bangalore?” Or “Where else could we save in the plan to extend the QA timelines?”

As you go, the emotional tenor will dampen, they’ll start to get their feet under them, and they’ll be able to latch onto at least one action to help them break the anxiety.

Invite Someone In

I often see team meetings devolve into two-person yelling matches with a bunch of uneasy spectators. If you’re one of the uneasy spectators, it can help to wade into the conversation or draw another colleague into it; it disrupts the tug-of-war.

There are different ways you can do it, such as:

“As I’m listening, I’m not sure you’re hearing each other. Sally, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying…”“We’re not aligned on either of the options you’re lobbying for; what if, instead, we…”“Kristoff, you were raising a good point about this earlier. What do you see as the options here…”

Sometimes, all it takes to de-escalate yelling is for the yellers to realize that there is an audience and for one of the audience members to throw a lifeline to help them get out of the pool.

Do Absolutely Nothing

If the yeller is making a power play and trying to use aggression to get what they want, one option is to do absolutely nothing. Don’t change what you’re talking about. Don’t shift your plans or approach. Don’t react. In fact, just look bored. This, again.

If you remove the reward for their behavior, you’ll probably extinguish it. And if not, you’ll lessen the impact it has on you. (Often works with toddlers’ temper tantrums, too!)

Give Feedback After the Fact

I’m not saying that yelling in the workplace is healthy. I’m just saying that humans are emotional creatures, and sometimes, when we perceive that things aren’t going our way, our brains delete the professional handbook and run the caveman code.

When the yelling has ended, look for a time and place where you feel safe to provide some feedback. “When you raise your voice at me, it just makes me defiant and less willing to help you. What would it take for you to broach these issues without me without raising your voice?”

Notice the Signs Earlier

At this stage, one would hope that the yeller would take ownership of their behavior and work on ways to stay calm, cool, and collected. But this is the real world, and if you want to avoid a hostile work environment, you might have to do some of the work.

Can you start noticing signs that your colleague’s pressure gauge is near the red zone? If so, have a few tricks to vent that pressure before it blows.

Make a point of validating what they’re saying. “Steve, it sounds like you don’t feel this plan is set up for success.”Help them identify and expose any underlying issues. “What risks do you see in moving forward with this plan?”Intercept angry or frustrated reactions from others. “Ruth, that’s not what I heard Steve say. I think he was just asking that we consider the timelines and ensure there’s enough for QA.”Take a break and use it to reassure your colleague that you’ve got their back and will help them get their point across. “Steve. I feel like it’s getting a bit tense in there. How can I help you make sure people are hearing your perspective?”

Again, I’m not saying that you can or should take ownership of the person’s behavior, but I am saying that as a good teammate and someone who doesn’t want to have to listen to yelling, there are things you can do to keep things constructive.

Conclusion

Being yelled at can be highly aversive. It’s a hallmark of a hostile work environment. Frequent yelling is not something you should tolerate (or be expected to tolerate). If your colleague is prone to yelling, consider what’s beneath their emotional reaction and try various techniques to make it much less likely they’ll get to that point again.

Additional Resources

Strategies for Managing Emotional Contagion for a Healthier Team Dynamic

Getting Emotional in a Difficult Conversation

Toxic Work Environments

Dr. Magdalena Battles The Best Way to React When Someone is Shouting at You in Anger

 

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