I survived five years without the most important person in my life

Today makes five years since my Noni died. My grandmother was the absolute love of my life, my best friend, and I was devastated when we lost her in 2019. So much so, sometimes I wonder if it triggered my major lupus flare that began just a few months later. Her death was a major blow to my family and at the time, I had no idea how any of us would go on without her.

Noni was a constant presence in my life and my biggest support. We were both on chemo at the same time for different reasons, and compared notes on side effects and how at least we didn’t have to shave our legs. Of all my friends and family, she was the only one who understood how devastating it is to be chronically ill. She got my dark humor and I never had to sugarcoat things for her.

But before that, she was like a second mother to me. My parents had me just as they both turned 18. They were babies themselves, but loved me (and later my sister) enough to ask for help. (Not easy for teenagers to do!) The three of us lived with my grandparents and, when I was just a few weeks old, I went to the lake with Noni and Popi for the first time. We were inseparable in the years that followed. When I started my publishing career, she was my biggest fan and most constant reader.

Losing her blew me apart in ways I’m still putting together. I grew up without a lot of money but with a lot of love, and much of that is because of Noni. For the first few years without her, I kind of just fumbled through, suddenly doused in darkness. It didn’t help that a major lupus flare started, followed by the pandemic. Life seemed to pull no punches, and time after time I found myself in situations where I wished Noni was here. She always listened to me, never telling me what to do, letting me find my own way with her unwavering support. Her love felt incredible—everyone who knew her knows what it was like, the kind of love that carries you through decades long after she’s gone. I have been loved, and I have been loved well.

Realizing that was how I survived.

Now I sing to my niece the way Noni sang with me when I was little. I cook food and pack away extra for people like she did. I smile at strangers because the love that I hold in me from her is too big not to share. I’m building a beautiful little life that I’m proud of the same way my grandparents did.

Doing these things is how I’ll survive the next five.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash