All Kinds of Crazy

Kristen Ashley’s Chat with A Fictional Character

The scene: Kit’s office. 9:56 a.m. Kit at desk. Kit’s cat, CeeCee, curled into a ball, sleeping in the corner. Kit is innocently tapping away at her keyboard.

Tex: Yo!

[Kit jumps and twists around in her chair to see the mammoth man with his crazy hair, crazy beard and even crazier eyes stomping into her small office. He’s wearing a flannel shirt even though it’s warm in England. He’s also wearing jeans and boots. He looks pissed. And Kit’s a little concerned because he doesn’t exactly exist.]

Kit: Uh, hey Tex.

Tex: It’s nearly ten in the mornin’, girl, what you still doin’ in your nightgown?

Kit: I work at home and I have a rule. I don’t get dressed until after my third cup of coffee. I’m on coffee two. [pause as Kit examines Tex’s empty, meaty mitts] You came all this way and didn’t bring me a latte from Fortnum’s?

Tex: Woman, it’s, at least, a thirteen hour trip. A latte don’t go that far.

Kit: Dude, you’re fictional. You can beam here and bring me a freakin’ latte.

Tex: I come all this way and you give me lip?

Kit [shrugging]: I’m me.

Tex [sitting on Kit’s futon which groans ominously]: Jesus Jones.

[At this point, CeeCee, who tolerates Kit mainly because her lap is warm and her body curled in bed makes a good sleeping place but other than that has no time for any human being, gets up, stretches, walks to Tex, jumps in his big lap and starts purring loudly.]

Kit: Whoa, he likes you.

Tex [scratching CeeCee behind the ears with his long, sturdy fingers]: ‘Course he does.

Kit: No, I mean, he doesn’t like anyone.

Tex: I’m not anyone.

Kit [muttering]: This is true on variety of levels. [then, louder] What are you doing here?

Tex: Ally sent me. She’s pissed. She’s not gettin’ herself some. Seriously, the girl needs to get laid. Total attitude. Help us all out. Give that girl some action.

Kit: I’m busy, Tex. I have, like, four books to write before I get to her and Ren.

Tex: Is this my problem?

Kit: It sounds like it is.

Tex: No, it’s your problem. My problem is I got a Rock Chick who isn’t gettin’ the business regular and I gotta deal with her sass. I get enough sass on a daily basis from that pack ‘a hens. But Ally’s sass is a whole different brand ‘a sass. And Ally not gettin’ laid by a badass good, proper and regular is a whole different brand ‘a sass. It’s reachin’ critical proportions. Fortnum’s is gonna blow. Even Indy can’t calm her ass down.

Kit: I’ll do what I can but, just to point out, it doesn’t help for you to show unannounced, without a latte, I will add, and interrupt me working. I’ll never get to Ally and Ren if I’m having conversations with fictional characters.

Tex: This is not my problem either. I’m just tellin’ you to get the lead out.

Kit: Right, I’ll get on that, uh… as soon as you leave.

Tex: No need to be rude about it.

Kit: Do I have to remind you again that you didn’t bring me a latte?

Tex: Jesus Jones, woman, all right, all right, next time, I’ll bring a latte.

Kit: No, next time, bring Lee. Or Eddie. No, Luke. Luke would be good. Bring him.

Tex [raising brows]: Anything else?

Kit: Daisy and Shirleen. I miss Daisy and Shirleen. And Tod and Stevie. And some of Jet’s brownies. Oh! And some cashews.

Tex: How you gonna get any work done with that crew here? It’ll be all about margaritas, calorie consumption and girl talk.

Kit [ignoring Tex]: And don’t forget to tell Tod to bring his diva wardrobe. And shoes. I feel a fashion show coming on.

Tex [muttering]: Shee-it.

Kit [thinly veiling her hint]: Since you’re not leaving, I bought a bottle of vanilla syrup from the coffee house this weekend and I have an espresso maker.

Tex: Let me get this straight, I take a break, come to England to get your ass in gear and you put me to work?

Kit: That’s about it.

Tex: So, I make you this latte, you gonna do that?

Kit [nodding]: Yes, after I workout. And, um… do the ironing. And, uh, after I recycle.

Tex: Then you gonna get to work?

Kit [still nodding]: Absolutely.

Tex [now nodding, standing and gently cradling CeeCee in his arms, muttering]: I’ll get you that latte, girl.

Kit [softly]: Thanks.

Tex [also softly]: Anytime, darlin’.

[Tex walks out but when he’s on the landing, Kit calls to him.]

Kit: Uh, Tex?

[Tex turns.]

Tex: Yeah, darlin’?

Kit [quietly]: Love you.

[Tex walks into the office, puts his big, beefy hand to the top of Kit’s head but doesn’t lose contact with her eyes.]

Tex [quietly back]: Love you too, Kitty Kit.

[Tex takes his hand from Kit’s head and walks downstairs to make a fictional latte. Kit turns her eyes to the floor and sees CeeCee who hadn’t really moved from his kitty ball in the corner. He’s sleeping. Kit sighs, looks back to her computer and gets to work.]