Dealing with a Colleague Who Meddles

Do you have a colleague who’s constantly mucking about in your business? Poking their nose in? Stepping on your toes? Somehow, they have enough time to do their job AND yours! Having a colleague who meddles is a path to some pretty serious friction, so let’s think about the grown-up ways to deal with it to avoid the exasperated eruption moment when you exclaim, “How about YOU DO YOUR JOB AND I’LL DO MINE!!!!”

The Normal Reaction to a Colleague Who Meddles

Before we talk about the high-road responses to an interfering colleague, let’s agree on the more normal and natural ways you might react. Here are some of the less generous conclusions you might arrive at and the impact of caving to that line of thinking:

You conclude that they’re meddling in your affairs because they don’t trust you to do your job well. You think, “How dare you question my competence?” and get defensive. Not good.You conclude that they think they can do your job better than you because they have an ego run amok. You think, “Oh sure, smarty pants!” and wait for opportunities to take them down a peg or two. Not good.You conclude they are utterly ignorant about your function because their suggestions are daft. You think, “You’re not as smart as you think you are,” and discount their suggestions, even the good ones. Not good.You conclude they aren’t strategic because they keep commenting on low-value, tactical aspects of your job rather than adding value on more novel or strategic issues. You think, “You’re stuck in the weeds,” and look down your nose at them.

None of these reactions is unfounded. The question is whether they are conducive to healthy team relationships and to you being as effective as possible in your role. I would argue that all four are cheap and easy conclusions, and the better path is to take the high road instead.

How to Address When Your Colleague Meddles

Once you’ve had a moment to think the thoughts and feel the feels in response to your overbearing colleague, you can choose a more constructive approach to try to reduce their unhelpful and irritating behavior.

Reflect

If you assume your teammate overstepped because they think you are incompetent, you may need to reflect on your self-confidence. Consider their suggestion again with a little emotional distance. Is there merit to it? If so, what was threatening about your colleague raising it? How might you take their suggestion graciously and learn from it?

If their suggestion has no value, why did it bruise your ego? Undoubtedly, the comment is more of a reflection on them than on you, right?

This is an excellent discussion with a colleague, friend, or family member you trust. Share what the person said and ask for a less biased take on whether it was a slam or just an overzealous contribution.

Reframe

If you assume your teammate overstepped because they are nosy, high on themselves, or trying to suck up to the boss, you might need to reframe your story. Reconsider what they said and challenge your negative assumptions about the person’s motives. Would you have reacted similarly if your best friend on the team had said the same thing? If not, are you biased against your one colleague? What got you to that point?

Try coming up with three more positive reasons why the person might have overstepped, such as “they think my work is fascinating,” “they’re new and trying to prove themselves.” “they’re trying to be helpful.”

Leaving room for more generous assumptions will make it easier to have a constructive conversation with your colleague, which is an excellent segue to…

Revisit

Now, it’s time to make your kindergarten teacher proud and use your words. Ignoring your meddling coworker, harboring resentment, and acting increasingly passive-aggressive will only make you miserable and slow everyone down. You need to give the person some feedback. It could look something like this:

Ask for a time to chat about the suggestions they’ve been making.Share an example or two of things they’ve said (e.g., You have suggested how I should handle press releases/budget for R&D /recruit technical talent…or some other tactical matter within your purview.)Be candid about the story you’re telling yourself (e.g., I’m interpreting that as you thinking I’m not doing my job, and that’s not sitting well with me, or I’m finding your suggestions lack context and I’m frustrated that they’re not a good use of either of our time.)Ask an open-ended question to get their perspective. (e.g., What are you hoping to accomplish by getting involved in these tactical issues in my function?)

Ideally, their reaction will be surprise, “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep!” “I didn’t mean to imply that you can’t do your job; I guess I just get drawn into the detail in ways that aren’t helpful. I’ll try to get out of the weeds.”

I realize that not many people will have the composure to say that in the moment, even if they eventually feel that way. Don’t push the feedback much further than this. Instead, pivot to a more positive and future-oriented discussion like this…

Redirect

Once you’ve shared the impact of their inappropriate contributions, define a more valuable way they can help (or, yes, even a more useful way they can feel like a smarty pants or show off in front of the boss). The idea is to redirect them away from the tactical or operational details you’ve got a handle on and instead solicit their input on more strategic issues or areas where your expertise is thinner.

“I would value your partnership on where we take the supply chain project. Would you have time to brainstorm with me?”

Colleagues who are understimulated, who like to feel relevant and in the thick of things, or who want to show off how much they have to offer are going to go off, so you might as well aim it in a useful direction.

Conclusion

There are infinite reasons why your colleague might be overstepping and making low-value contributions that feel like challenges to your credibility or your authority. It’s not your job to psychoanalyze them. Instead, it’s your job to rise above your initial thoughts and feelings of defensiveness or derision and have a grown-up conversation that will lead to a more useful type of input.

Additional Resources

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Coworkers

Toxic Work Environments

From the fantastic Amy Gallo: HBR. Getting Along: My Coworker is Sabotaging Me–and My Boss Won’t Help

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