Don’t Fear Really Feeling: How Your Emotions Are Key To Unlocking Real Hope & Connection

I once had dinner at Anjuli Paschall‘s welcoming home, with her posse of kids and wise husband and generous friends, and I didn’t want it to end. She’s just down-to-earth, large of heart and deep well of honest wisdom. When you sit with her heart — it always enlarges yours. It’s an absolute grace to welcome Anjuli to the farm’s table today…

Guest Post by Anjuli Paschall

“You’re too sensitive.”

Her words stung. Of course, she is right.

What’s wrong with me? Don’t be one of those girls.

You know, the girls that cry and make drama and a big deal out of nothing. I pride myself in not being like those girls. I tucked away my tender heart and winked back at my mentor trying to convince her how everything I just shared wasn’t that serious after all.

The conversation rolls on, and my too sensitive heart goes into a hiding place that sisters with shame and guilt for feeling too much in the first place.

I grew up believing some lies about feelings.

I wish the Church, culture, and my community would have taught me how important and valuable feelings are to my growth as a follower of Jesus. I wish I knew that a powerful prayer life requires paying attention to my emotions and heart. Feelings are not my enemy.

They are not good or bad; rather they are necessary to have a flourishing relationship with God. When I reflect on my spiritual life and the formation I received, I truly wish my pastor would have helped me unpack these realities.

Here are 3 things I Was never taught about feelings:

One thing I was never told me about my feelings was that feelings can be trusted. I was taught to be suspicious of my feelings. Jeremiah 17:9 (NLT), “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?”

“My feelings don’t give me a license to do whatever I want to do. Rather, feelings are just telling me what the condition of my heart is. “

It was passages like this one that set me on high alert. I was always policing my heart for bad feelings—anxiety, dread, anger. Any feeling that was “bad” was not allowed. I alone was responsible for getting my heart into tip-top shape.

In time, I slowly cut myself from my heart. Pushing down and out the bad and pulling up the good, right, and pretty. But the next verse Jeremiah 17:10 reads, “But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”

Yes, the heart is mysterious. It is filled with evil and glory. But it is the Lord who searches the heart and reveals truth. God searches. God enlightens. God shines light in darkness.

I am not the sole surgeon of my soul. It is God who moves, purges, cleanses, and forms my heart.

When I open my heart to God in prayer, God’s gentle hands do the sanctification work within me.

Feelings are always true, but they aren’t always right.

What I feel at this moment is what I feel. It is true. My feelings don’t give me a license to do whatever I want to do. Rather, feelings are just telling me what the condition of my heart is. Feelings offered to God in prayer help me grow in discernment.

The second thing my pastor never taught me about feelings was that feelings are actually biblical. Feeling my feelings is biblical.

“Feelings aren’t just a part of being human, they are necessary for a deep abiding connection with God.”

The entire book of Psalms, for example, is filled with feeling prayers. From rage to depression, feelings are expressed boldly and unapologetically. From fear to excitement, feelings are all over the thin pages of Scripture. There are countless feelings, and each one can be found in small print verse after verse and chapter after chapter.

Moses was frustrated. Peter was scared. Mary was delighted. Martha was anxious. David was terrified. Sara was surprised. Eve was ashamed. Jesus wept. Every single person in the Bible felt something. It was through their feelings that they actually connected to God, themselves, and others.

Feelings are the gravity of intimacy.

When followers of God were honest about their feelings, it allowed them to encounter Christ.

Feelings aren’t just a part of being human, they are necessary for a deep abiding connection with God.

         The third and last thing my pastor never told me about my feelings is that I will face temptations with them. Feelings are messy. Feelings become one more thing to deal with. Painful feelings can get in the way. I have so many strategies to not feel what I feel.

The three major temptations I will face with my feelings are the temptation to control, temptation to dismiss, and the temptation to indulge. I’ve fallen prey to each of these temptations.

“Feelings are actually a pathway to prayer. Feelings are merely an indicator that my soul needs more care.“

I am tempted to control my feelings by bossing them around, trying to change them on my own, plow through them, or get rid of them altogether. This usually looks like grabbing my feelings and doing something with them.

The opposite temptation is to dismiss my feelings entirely. When I feel something uncomfortable, I suppress it and push it under. This usually looks like being busy and avoiding my heart.

Lastly, I am tempted to indulge my feelings entirely. I lose my sense of agency and fall into my feelings. I lose my capacity for reason and common sense.

These temptations are real, present, and strong. What my pastor didn’t teach me was that there was a way through my feelings where I didn’t need to be overly controlling, dismiss them, or indulge them entirely. Feelings are actually a pathway to prayer. Feelings are merely an indicator that my soul needs more care.

Now, my sensitive heart is coming out of hiding and discovering that it is okay to be soft and strong.

Feelings bring us into true discernment and growth. Feelings are biblical and necessary for true intimacy. Feelings can lead us away from God when we don’t pay attention to the temptations within them. I am learning that when I name how I feel, open my heart to God, and pray honestly, I can experience the love of God and find freedom.

When I enter my feelings even with squinty eyes and hopefully a nice friend by my side (perhaps a professional counselor and always Jesus), I find the mysterious joy of being fully human. I no longer feel all chopped up inside, finding wholeness, integration, union, and, ultimately, peace (even when the most intrusive feelings poke at us at 3 a.m.). I have to always start here—how do I feel?  

Whatever words come next become a prayer that God leans in and intently listens to.

And I came to wonder: What if there was a book with a prayer for every feeling you feel?

What if there was a book-guide that helps you move toward God with every emotion that resides inside of you?

What if — there was a A Collection of Liturgies Offering Hope for Every Complicated Emotion — that could be a resource for you today and for years to come?

Because we all need to Feel: … and sit with: A Collection of Liturgies Offering Hope for Every Complicated Emotion — to be assured that:

Feelings are, more than anything, a gift.

Feelings are messy, and we all have different strategies to deal with them–usually controlling, avoiding, or indulging them. But what if you allowed yourself to follow your feelings in prayer instead of trying to run from them?

In this beautifully illustrated collection of prayers and liturgies, spiritual director Anjuli Paschall helps you move from being stuck in your feelings to a place of peace by 

– identifying and giving you words for every emotion–the good, the confusing, and the complicated–helping you name exactly what you feel 
– offering you 75 prayers to pray–one for every feeling 
·-providing Scripture for every emotion 

Feel is a resource to guide you throughout your day and offer you hope, wisdom, and courage through some of the most challenging seasons of your life. Instead of navigating around your feelings, allow them to guide you toward healing, wholeness, and abiding connection with God. And then, you will begin to see how feelings are a doorway into intimacy with a Savior who loves you.

{ Our humble thanks to Bethany House for their partnership in today’s devotional.}