What were my goals when I was 10?

Three years into my 30’s, and I am constantly thinking about my purpose, or my life and all the things I want/need to accomplish. You ever feel like a disappointment to yourself? I should have more followers, money, and countries under my belt by now. I should have more friends.

And no matter how much I beat myself up, nothing changes.

But lately, I’ve been thinking about what my life goals were when I was ten. What made me stoked? Going to my friend Alex’s house, and the anticipation peaked when his parents took us to Blockbuster to rent one video game and one movie, then we hit the grocery store for ice cream and snacks.

It was peak living.

It’s what I looked forward to all week: the Friday sleepover.

My picture of life in a good future would have required very little. A home with some people I liked being around all the time, and enough money to buy ice cream and a pizza, plus some fun, bonding entertainment.

This was also way before the internet poisoned our minds and attention spans and made us long for larger and less-attainable things.

The one verse from the Bible that’s been spinning around my mind lately is painful because it seems to be at odds with many of the things I want for my life. 1 Thessalonians 4:11 says,

…make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands.

No thanks.

I got obscenely educated exactly so I wouldn’t have to work with my hands. Unless that includes doing tattoos, then that’s ok.

And how am I supposed to make a living as a writer without a large enough platform? How am I supposed to fund my traveling and speaking if I’m not out there, doing it?

And what if I’m not a quiet person to begin with?

One former roommate described me as ‘insanely extroverted.’ And I’m supposed to suppress that in order to line up and live a quiet life?

I need to do more homework and looking into what exactly Paul meant when he instructed us to live quiet lives. Ten year old Ethan may have been alright with that, but now I know that there is too much world out there to just be content with frozen pizza and video games.

I’m torn between these two people, and must learn from both:

10 would be content with living simply and looking forward to simple weekends, having fun with friends. Maybe we’d go play frisbee or volleyball on Saturdays and attend church on Sunday. It’s a simple, peasant life. And I need to learn from him that I can be content even in in-between seasons, like where I am now. When we feel like we need more to be happy, we need to remind ourselves that we can be content here, now. That we can actually learn to get stoked about the little things and enjoy our friend who lives 8 houses down and a nice, quiet weekend. The only one urging us to transcend this, or making us feel bad if we enjoy a little Friday night, is ourselves.

But 33 is the one pulling that kid to the next level. The one who is chasing after the adventure we saw in the movies and video games. Because I also don’t think anyone should be content with the dopamine hits from video games as a purpose in life. I can’t help but think that God often wires us to rise above a comfortable, ‘quiet’ suburban life of working through Friday and enjoying a nice weekend. Of course that’s not a bad thing, but I have come to outgrow that as a purpose which can fuel and sustain my life.

And maybe these two people are indicative of the two impulses at work in the world everywhere. Conservatism holds onto what we have and what we have established is good, while Progressivism is always longing for what’s next, and where we can get to. It says, sure, I was born into a ‘5,’ and that’s good enough, but why not try to use my 70 years to get the world up to a ‘6.3’?

These two forces are present in me, as they are in everyone to varying degrees, and I’m always struggling to reconcile where I should be content versus where I should strive forward and hold a healthy amount of discontent which spurs me onward and upward.

What do you think?

e

Day 41 of 100 Days of Blog.

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