I’m Afraid of Making Mistakes; I Wish I Was Perfect

When I was six years old, I said a bad word in class and had to go to the principal’s office.

When I was eight, I accidentally threw a toy at a friend’s head… hard.

When I was 17, I (lightly) damaged my first car because I was trying to be funny around my friends.

When I was 21, I rushed to publish my first book without properly editing it.

When I was 30, I made a friend cry because of a mean-spirited joke.

When I was 34 (two weeks ago). I made a logistical mistake during one of my volunteer assignments.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of the mistakes I’ve made in my life. I know, I know: everyone makes mistakes. I even wrote a children’s book about it. Whenever people ask what inspired me to write We All Make Mistakes, I usually tell them it’s because I’ve made a lot of mistakes growing up and I wanted to tell children that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from them. I say, “This is the book I wish I had as a child.” But the truth is that it’s also the book I need in adulthood. Unfortunately, as much I tell people that them making mistakes is okay, I can’t seem to convince myself of the same.

A Life of Making Mistakes

I make A LOT of mistakes. I make them in my professional life, and I make them in my personal life. I make mistakes that hurt my friends and mistakes that hurt my family. I make small mistakes, like forgetting to send a bill payment on time, and I make big mistakes, like forgetting a friend’s birthday.

The thought of making mistakes terrifies me, especially when these mistakes can potentially hurt someone I care about. I’ve talked with my therapist about this, and she helped me realize that my fear of making mistakes comes from my desire to achieve perfection, which is impossible for any human. So why do I hold myself to such standards to be infallible?

I look around and see others making mistakes all the time. It’s a part of life. But it looks like these other people don’t let these mistakes affect their lives as much as mine do. I know someone who accidentally ran a stop sign and caused a minor accident. I know someone else who lost her company tens of thousands of dollars because she mis-typed a line in a purchase order. And I know another person whose child hurt himself climbing a tree because her back was turned for a few moments.

When I spoke with these friends about their mistakes, I reassured them that it was all okay. I told them that nobody’s perfect. I reminded them how life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. You’re going to make mistakes as you learn.

Now why can’t I reassure myself the same way?

Once again, I need to reflect on something I learned in therapy: we should talk to ourselves the way we would talk to a close friend. Most of the time, when someone close to me makes a mistake, I try to show compassion and reassure them. Very, very rarely will I give them grief for doing something wrong.

But when it comes to my own mistakes, I take the opposite approach. I make a mistake and I think it’s the end of the world. I dwell on the mistake and make a silent wish that I could turn back the clock and undo it. More than 17 years ago, I went on a date and said something incredibly stupid that hurt my date’s feelings. I STILL occasionally think back on it and wish I could take it back. Or I wish I could travel back and slap 17-year-old me across the face.

Why Can’t We Let It Go?

I’m not exactly sure why I can’t forgive myself for making mistakes. Aside from my severe anxiety and depression, it could be a variety of other reasons as well. Maybe it’s because I’ve made several mistakes in the past that people constantly have to bring back up. I made a minor mistake at work back in 2019 and someone had to keep reminding me of it instead of moving past it. An ex used to frequently bring up my mistakes despite how much I disliked it. It’s pretty hard to forgive yourself for mistakes (no matter how small) if someone keeps reminding you of them.

Another reason why some people (or at least I) have difficulty overcoming mistakes is possibly as a form of protection. By constantly thinking about the mistakes in our past, we believe we can avoid making future mistakes. We’re extra careful in what we say and do. We hesitate to do something out of fear. Our overthinking of past mistakes has us always being super-critical of our own actions. While this can be beneficial and help us be more considerate of what we say and do, it can come at the cost of our own mental well-being by forcing us to think that everything we do is wrong.

Afraid to Experience Life

I was slightly relieved when I learned that I’m not the only person who has trouble letting go of their own errors. Apparently, a lot of people strive for perfection and wish they didn’t make mistakes. While I feel better knowing it’s not just me, it’s sad when I realize this inability to overcome mistakes keeps people from properly living their lives.

My mistakes definitely make me afraid to do things. There was a brief moment a few years ago when I considered going back to school for nursing. But I was terrified of being responsible for another person’s health and well-being. The last thing I want to do is find out I made a mistake that could potentially kill someone.

I made the decision about two years ago that I would most likely never have children because I’m afraid of making mistakes while raising them. Plenty of people have tried to make me reconsider by claiming that EVERYONE makes mistakes as a parent. I’m still hesitant about the thought of being a father. Maybe my mind will change in the future, if I can learn to forgive myself for making mistakes. As of now, it doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

There have been countless times (especially this past year) where I’ve wanted to quit the whole “author” thing. I want to spread positive and inspirational messages with my books, but I think that, with all the mistakes I make, I’m not exactly the ideal role model for children. Many times, I’ve woken up thinking about how I should just clear out my inventory, unpublish my books, and just live a non-writer life.

In short: I have a bad habit of letting my mistakes (instead of my accomplishments or better qualities) define me. And it pains me to see the same thing happen to others.

Advice for Others

I wish I had some meaningful wisdom to grant to anyone who reads this blog. I want to tell you that making mistakes is okay. I want to tell you that in the grand scheme of things, some tiny error you’ve made is not a big deal. I want to tell you how mistakes are a normal part of life. All of this is 100% true, but I’m not sure how much value it holds coming from someone who can’t accept their own advice.

One piece of advice that I can offer is regarding where you go when you want assistance with moving past your mistakes. You need to be careful, since there are some great resources out there, and there are some terrible ones as well.

I’ve spent hours Googling different tips for forgiving yourself, overcoming mistakes, etc. What I’ve learned is that it’s a lot like when you Google your symptoms when you’re feeling sick: the worst results will be the most prominent.

When I search for tips, I tend to get results from forums full of negativity. Here’s how it goes: someone will ask for guidance on forgiving yourself for mistakes, and responses will come from people saying that some mistakes shouldn’t be forgiven, especially if the person refuses to learn from them.

I’m not denying there are people out there who intentionally do harmful things and write them off as mistakes to avoid accountability. For a while, I actually thought I was unintentionally doing that myself:

If you couldn’t tell already, I am very open about my anxiety and my fear of making mistakes. A certain person (someone whom I once greatly respected) told me that I am only open about it so that people will “go easy on me” when I do make a mistake. He also told me it was “unacceptable” when I got upset over making an actual mistake.

At the time, I thought what he said was right: maybe I only get so upset about making mistakes because I’m subconsciously trying to have people feel sorry for me so that I don’t get in trouble. So now, not only was I afraid of making mistakes, but I was afraid of expressing my fear of making mistakes or my unhappiness after I’ve made a mistake. And people wonder why I’m an anxious mess…

So what’s the point of all this rambling? I want to remind people that a big part of moving past your mistakes is to ultimately be kind to yourself, no matter how hard it may be. While you can have a loving family and a supportive group of friends, you still need to treat yourself with compassion and grace.

Again, I realize it’s odd for someone like me who is unable to forgive himself to give that kind of advice to others, but I hope that someone out there can find value in my words. We deserve to be happy, no matter how many mistakes we make.

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