August 22, 2024: Fifth Round of Script Notes!

Thanks for the fifth draft of your presidential assassination script. I am writing to you from beautiful Portugal where we are overseeing production of our latest film, Magellan: The True Life Story of Ferdinand Magellan. In the next three months, we will be shooting in every location Magellan visited over the course of his travels, taking the pains to recreate his life down to the tiniest details, from sourcing the materials and designs of the outfits he wore to duplicating the cutlery he ate with and the furniture he sat on. We’re sparing no expense to ensure this will be the most historically accurate movie ever made! Anyway, Lizzo, who’ll be playing Magellan, flew in this morning and we have a few hours before our first read-thru so I’m taking the opportunity to send you these notes.

As we mentioned in our previous email, the Secret Service and FBI, as depicted in this script, are either grossly incompetent OR doing a very clumsy job of trying to cover up the fact they were complicit in trying to knock off the Presidential Frontrunner. At this point, it can go either way and we’re loving the ambiguity. For instance…

The fact that the FBI was caught cleaning up the crime scene shortly after the incident suggests they either wanted to remove all traces of biological evidence related to the shooter as quickly as possible OR they, out of the goodness of their hearts, wanted to give the official crime scene cleaners the day off to enjoy time with their respective families. If the latter, could we add a scene where they wash everybody’s car as well?

The fact that the FBI released the shooter’s body for cremation, bypassing the coroner who had custody of the body, indicates they either did so because they had something to hide OR they didn’t want to bother the coroner while he was sleeping. Maybe he’s a narcoleptic and is always falling asleep on the job, giving them all something in common.

The fact that the FBI denied Judicial Watch’s requests for records on the July 13th Pennsylvania rally, specifically citing FOIA exemption 7A, which allows withholding of information that “would deprive a person of a right to a fair trial or an impartial adjudication” implies they are either shielding someone who might face trial for their involvement in the assassination attempt OR they cited the wrong exemption because English isn’t their first language. Kedu ihe na-eme?

The fact that the FBI released the crime scene after only three days would seem to insinuate that they either wanted to thwart any further inquiry into the attempted assassionation OR they needed to free up the area. Are the annual Husband Calling and Skillet Tossing festivals just around the corner?

The fact that the Secret Service did not retrieve the radios laid out for them by the Butler Technical Command, even after being reminded to pick them up, would suggest they intentionally avoided using radios to muddle communications on the day OR they are a very absent-minded group. Which begs the question – What else did they forget to do that day? Besides their jobs of course.

Is it ineptitude or a brazen arrogance? On the one hand, you have the scene where the Secret Service agent abandons her post to breast feed which would suggest the former, but then you have the sequence where the Secret Service breaks into a woman’s place of business to use her bathroom which would suggest the latter. As I said, the ambiguity here is very well done but could still use a little finessing.

There’s a photo of the shooter using his phone moments before to the assassination attempt. But this makes absolutely no sense as the FBI has already told us he had no friends to talk to and no social media accounts to check.

Speaking of the Secret Service, we like the sequence where the SS Director and various senior agency leaders seemingly try to scuttle yet another prospective investigation by ordering the destruction of cocaine discovered at the White House. And we’re intrigued by the revelation that the DNA on the bag of cocaine yielded a “partial hit” when run through the national criminal database. Will they ever identify the culprit? I suppose that will be entirely dependent on who wins the election. Can’t wait to (potentially not) find out!

We continue to enjoy how the presidential campaign continues to develop in weird and wonderful ways. Much of the fun comes from the bumbling misadventures of the pro-crime candidates we have affectionately dubbed Phony-Baloney – Phony because her public persona is so painfully manufactured; Baloney because he possesses all of the charm and personality of low-cost luncheon meat.

P. 32: What the hell are “white guy tacos”?

P. 43: Can you really get out of a DUI charge by chalking it all up to hearing loss?

P. 44: How can someone on a teacher’s salary afford 30 trips to China? Can we make it 10 trips to Venezuela?

The Frontrunner’s campaign feels a little…erratic. Half the time, he’s going off like a Patriot Missile Battery in Ukraine. It would be interesting to have him really focus on issues important to voters like infation, the economy, security, and the NFL’s preferrential treatment of the Kansas City Chiefs. Let’s see him form a stronger coalition of allies amongst tthe Universal Monsters like the southern mummy, the war-mongering ghoul, Eddie Munster, and the ghost of House Speakers Past who haunts the halls of Congress making all sorts of spooky threats that ultimately prove as insubstantial as his physical form. Maybe even find a way to re-establish ties with Utah Frankenstein, anemic Snake Plisskan, or the ex-Vice Presidential golem.

In our last draft we suggested that the VP character shouldn’t be stealing policy ideas from the Frontrunner. Well, after seeing how you addressed this note, we’d like to add that she shouldn’t be stealing policy ideas from Hugo Chavez, Robert Mugabe, or Joseph Stalin either.

We love the confidence she demonstrates in promising to solve all of the problems her current administration has caused. But much later.

Finally, we liked the cameo by the President character who seemed to disappear from the script following his public humiliation and ouster. We were also really touched by the scene in which he is sent off to enjoy his retirement on a farm owned by the Kristi Noem character. Awwwww.

That’s it for now. Almost there! Looking forward to reading your next draft!

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