Why I need to lean into my weird

I want to live an unconventional life. Maybe “want” isn’t the right word but I’m drawn to one. I’ve accidentally already been unconventional. That’s the word my mom has used. I took an unconventional path for my university degree by dropping out of traditional university twice, then starting an Open University degree aged 24 and graduating aged 28. I self-published my first book at 18, very unconventional. I then went on to self publish more books through to age 21 and market those books by getting friends to act as characters from my books. Very cool.

What else? Hmm. The reason my mom used the word unconventional on me was because of my wedding and my thoughts about having children. Unlike the typical woman, apparently, I don’t seek these things. Marriage, kids, they didn’t appeal to me. At least, not the in a conventional sense. Instead, I had a small, intimate wedding. My dress cost £90 on sale online. We all laughed throughout the ceremony at the registry office. I had no bridesmaids and my husband no groomsmen. We had a bbq at our house afterwards. It was lovely. It was unconventional, but it was me, and therefore I could enjoy it, unlike being forced to do something big and elaborate. As for the kids part, I don’t know yet. But I’m sure it’ll be unconventional parenting on my part! I don’t want to be a helicopter parent. If I have children, I want them to be creative and kind and curious and open-minded. I would hate to raise them to be as scared of life as I am.

Every job I’ve gotten has been without my degree or any formal education, but purely on my own merit. That’s quite awesome and unconventional. Oh yes, I have just remembered. I created my own mental health awareness event at my local community centre, where I gave a talk, read my poetry and created a short film in honour of mental illness and awareness. I self-published a self-help book about anxiety and depression. I started an anxiety and depression support group locally, too. All pretty unconventional for a 20 year old to do. I was then invited to speak at a fashion show event that was honouring mental health, as well as a local community event for people struggling in their lives.

I’ve never liked to party or drink. I married my first and only real boyfriend. I didn’t start travelling really until I was 22 and even then it was slowly and timidly, every now and then. Travel terrifies me but I do it for the right places and to honour my desire to expand my worldview. I’ve “only” been to 10 countries, I think, unless you count The Vatican as another one! And that’s low by today’s standards but I have crossed off 3 continents which is quite cool. I’ve changed my views of travel and see it as a special gift, not something I should just do on a whim. Unconventional thinking in the modern world that glorifies travel.

Then when we do go somewhere, even when we went to Japan this year, I only bring a backpack. We stay in hotels not hostels so it’s not about the backpacking experience, it’s just simpler! Why carry more than you need, pay more and then feel bogged down? Perhaps that’s unconventional, too.

Everything I’ve done in an unconventional sense has lead to my greatest successes. Every time in lean into the weird, unusual, untraditional sides of myself, I am happier. When I try to force myself to do what everyone else is doing (luckily that’s rare), I’m less happy. I fall short.

My friend reminded me of this yesterday. That perhaps my anxiety and self-depreciation and restlessness comes from trying to live conventionally, but knowing in my soul that I’m not that person. There’s a weird, unconventional spirit inside of me that wants to get out. She wants to spread her weird wings! I’m not sure what this looks like yet; what parts of myself am I maybe suppressing or what things am I trying to do too traditionally. But I’m thinking about it, because it makes a lot of sense.

I need to let myself be me and love that person. Everybody else is taken.

Sincerely,

S. xx