Feedback Request

 The query most recently posted here has a new version.

17-year-old Dulani is the last man standing between his town and the Masques, soul-reaping creatures borne from mythology. He's not expecting backup either—for some reason, only he can see, hear, and kill these things. After losing close friends to them, he's far more focused on seeing his "job" as guardian through. But when a Masque almost kills his classmate, he decides to learn how to end their threat for good. 

 

Following a Masque back into its home realm, Dulani sneaks around locations from legend in search of answers. He soon finds one—along with something startling: past victims, like his friends, aren’t dead. Their still living souls are trapped in pillars weakening the cage around an even worse threat. A god who commands the Masques is one step away from breaking free so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity.  

Dulani, to his horror, is that missing piece. His magic, his powers, all came from this god so his soul could get strong from his job and open the cage once delivered. Dulani wants to destroy the pillars, which will rescue the souls and lock the realm forever, but as powerful Masques begin a manhunt for him, the risk grows sky-high. He’ll have to choose: fight and save countless lives, or run before he endangers just as many. 

 

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential. It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. 

 

[Bio] 

Notes

This is much better. I'm not that clear on how the pillars are weakening the cage or how Dulani knows destroying the pillars will rescue his friends rather than destroy their souls. Maybe:

His magic, his powers, all came from this god, and every Masque he kills only brings the god  closer to escaping the cage.

The decision still seems lose / lose.  He can fight and kill Masques, eventually leading to humanity's subjugation, or he can run and the Masques will go back to killing people in his town. The latter seems better, as the Masques don't seem to be killing people all over the planet, just in Dulani's neighborhood. What he really needs to do is capture all the Masques and imprison them in the cage with the god.