Trapped
I feel trapped in my own body. My mind is strong and my will is even stronger but my body can’t keep up. I have been suffering from Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea for years now. When I go to sleep at night, I stop breathing up to 65 times an hour which leaves me feeling extremely tired throughout most of the day. The dry air as of late has made it worse, since my throat closes up in the middle of the night causing me to wake up literally choking. Somehow I know I”m going to endure the trauma of not breathing at night so my body reacts naturally with anxiety, panic and insomnia the minute I lay my head to rest…which also wears me down.
I’ve always been a go-getter, extremely ambitious to the point where people often ask me if I have cloned myself. But the last 6 months have worn me down and I find even trivial things like folding laundry to be utterly exhausting. I want to work-out but my muscles are too tired, because they aren’t getting oxygen at night. I want to play in the front yard with my daughter but find myself grasping for the nearest chair so I can sit down. Stairs have become my enemy. I used to teach dance, and now I fear stairs.
It makes me angry to be so tired. How frightening to want to do something and not be able too? To know that it is right at your fingertips but you can’t access it? I think of all the men and women who have felt this feeling and been able to turn it into a positive. They find ways to feel less trapped, to feel energetic and good about life. I can’t imagine that its easy but I look to them for hope during this difficult time. Because every day that I can’t find the energy to workout…I cry. Every time I ask my husband to chase our daughter around the yard because I am too tired…I cringe. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air…I panic.
I have a surgery scheduled for mid June on my tonsils, adenoids and septum. The doctor say s that this will help me breath at night and cause less apneas. They say that the better breathing will allow more oxygen into my body to help breakdown the muscles and allow me to have more energy to workout. More oxygen will also breakdown the fat that I have put on and been unable to burn off. They say my energy level will go up and my strength will come back. God I hope so. I have never felt so out-of-control of my own body before. Who knew sleep apnea could cause so many problems?
