August 9, 2024: Third Round of Script Notes!

Thanks for the third draft of your script. I realize you must be thinking: “Why so many notes? This is Hollywood after all. Most of the stuff we put out is crap!” And while that may have been true of late, we’ve discovered that audiences have caught on to us and stopped watching. As a result, we are in the unfamiliar position of having to care about quality, so bear with us. Whereas in the past we were perfectly happy to release movies and t.v. shows in which fully 50-60% of the plot made no sense, we will now have to work to bring that number down to a more respectable 20-25% of utter nonsese. Unfortunately, your script is still hovering around the 70% mark. It seems like every time we give you a note to address certain plot issues, your fixes actually make things worse. Case in point, the shooter-on-the-roof sequence that continues to prove problematic. We asked you to come up with a logical reason for why security was not stationed on that roof and the best you could come up with was “It was too hot”! Too hot?!! How about, instead, we go with the marginally better idea you pitched us over the phone, that the forecast called for showers and they hadn’t brought their rain ponchos with them. In our last two sets of notes, we bumped on the fact that security waited so long to shoot the would-be-assassin. You have seemingly rectified this by actually having them shoot much earlier – but I’m afraid photos don’t count. We previously flagged the almost one hour that passed between when the shooter was first spotted and when he was finally taken down. With the introduction of these new text messages between law enforcement and the secret service, that hour has now become 90 minutes. When we said the original time lag was unacceptable, we meant it was too long, not too short! We like where you’re going with the whole google search history on the shooter’s laptop but feel you can be even more obvoius for those especially dense members of our audience. What you have there now, “How far away was Oswald from Kennedy?”, is pretty good, but how about “If I was to shoot a Presidential candidate from a raised roof, how far would I need to be?” or “What kind of snacks should I pack for an assassination attempt?“. The revelation that the Secret Service turned down offers to deploy drone technology before the rally is a bit problematic as, if this was the case, they would surely have reacted to the shooter’s own drone flying over the site prior to the rally. Did they forget and assume it was one of their own… that wasn’t supposd to be there? In the scene where the local SWAT officer reveals his team had no contact with Secret Service until after the assassination attempt, could we come up with a somewhat plausible scenario for why there was no preliminary briefing and no communication. Did the two groups have a falling out over the previous evening’s episode of Blue Bloods? Did the Secret Service just forget they were there like they forgot about the fact drones shouldn’t be fllying over the venue prior to the rally? Does maybe the Secret Service liaison suffer from anterograde amnesia like Guy Pearce in Memento and is incapable of forming new memories which explains everything? This would be an interesting twist! The Secret Service request to have the Presidential Front-Runner discontinue outdoor rallies makes them look, not only even more inept, but lazy as welll. Speaking of which… The beats where requests for the counter-snipers are routinelly denied if they weren’t within driving distance of Washington D.C. will require a little more context. At present, it feels like they’re turning down the requests because they’re too lazy to commit to traveling longer distances. Surely, this is not what you intended. Let’s come up with a better excuse for why the Secrtet Service turned down these requests for increased security that turned out to be not only perfectly reasonable but incredibly crucial in retrospect. Was there, perhaps, a counter-sniper convention happening on the same day (CounSnipeCon!) to which they had already committed? Or were they already dspatched to protect someone the Secret Service prioritized over the Presidential Front-Runner like, say, the First Lady, a Democratic congressman, or Major Tuddy the mascot of the Washington Commanders football team? As a rule of thumb, you can only really have one bungling group of professionals in a script. In the earlier drafts, you clearly establishd the Secret Service as the monumental screw-ups but now you’ve added another layer with these three SWAT team members – one of who leaves to go home early, another who inadvertently locks himself out of the venue, and yet another who abandons his post to go let in the guy who locked himself out. Are we in some sort of Bizarro alternate universe where no one can do anyting right? A reminder that this script is NOT a comedy. The fact that there were no patrol officers around the area to potentially intercept suspects feesl pretty damn lax – but, to be fair, it’s in keeping with the careless security precautions demonstrated throughout and so, for consistency’s sake, we’l let this one go. The Clairton Sportsmen’s Club where the shooter purportedly trained is apparently frequented by regional police, sheriff departments, and officers from ICE and Homeland Security which further fuels the conspiracy theory that this kid was set up by elements within his own government. Could we go with a completely different sports club that, instead of being a regular hangout for the aforementioned law enforcement personnel, is frequented by Iranian diplomats, Chinese businessmen and the odd North Korean Swifty following the tour through town. On page 43 you have the News Anchor criticize the Presidential Front-Runner for saying the Secret Service did not protect him, calling him wildly irresponsible for doing so because his statement does not reflect reality. We’re confused. Is this character a holdover from an earlier draft or maybe an entirely different script because, in this version, the Presidential Front-Runner was saved, not by the Secret Service but by happening to turn his head a split second before the first shot was taken. As a consequence, this anchor character comess across as either dimwitted or a partisan mouthpiece. Possibly both? Given that he is a network news anchor, could we have him occasionally convey a modicum of journalistc integrity? Not too much to make it unbelievable but just enough so the audience buys in. Speaking of kooky anchors, this script certainly doesn’t want for them, from the aforementioned agenda-driven shill to the conspiracy-consumed, ear-obsessed loon. But the pompous buffoon who calls for the confiscation of an entire professional baseball team is top-level comical derangement. Absolute chef’s kiss! Finally, the political backdrop to the script continues to impress. The whole “border czar” schtick has a real Abbott & Costello Who’s On First? vibe. “She was!” “She wasn’t!” “We said she was but we didn’t mean it!” We also enjoyed the instances where some of the “news” websites went back and actually removed references and articles embarrasing to the candidate, while other sites simply restricted access to information. It all combines to deliver a surreal yet whimsical 1930’s Germany/2020’s Canada feel. So I guess the President character is going the way of Marcel, that little monkey from Friends who disappeared after season 1? Not even a guest spot where he comments on a world event or a cameo of him locking himself in a men’s room stalll? If that’s the case, might I suggest a scene where a little girl asks about him and her parents explain that the nice people at the DNC drove him up to their farm where he now runs free with all of the other ex-Presidents. It would be a nice button to his journey. Moving forward, is the plan for everyone to treat the VP as the defacto President? By the way, is she going to end up being the final candidate or will the tiny cadre of elite decision-makers hand-select someone else before the election? Wait! No spoilers! We can’t wait to find out! Looking forward to your next draft.

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