Sketch comedy: Matt and Nev in their usual seats

When I was working with a team on the BBC radio sketch show Jesting About I wrote a series of very short sketches featuring two Geordie friends Matt and Nev who could always be found in the same seats in their local. None of the shorter sketches written by any of the writers made it to the recording as they turned out not to fit the format, but I thought I'd spend the next few days on my blog reproducing the Matt and Nev sketches. Here's the first one:


MATT AND NEV IN THEIR USUAL SEATS 1


David Williams


FX                                                    PUB ATMOS


NEV                                                Just suppose, Matt...


MATT                                              What?


NEV                                                Suppose your doorbell rings, right. And
                                                        there’s a lovely young lass stannin there,
                                                        18-19, mebbes. 22.


MATT                                              Oh aye.


NEV                                                She takes one look at you, an she says, ‘Let
                                                        me in. I want you to rip all my clothes off, and
                                                        I want us to make mad, passionate love.’
                                                        What would you do?


MATT                                              Oh. (PAUSE TO CONSIDER) Wouldn’t
                                                        happen.


NEV                                                Why not?


MATT                                              I haven’t got a doorbell.


END