The ” I ” in S I ngle- to date or not?

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I find it sad that the image truly expresses my reaction to the question. First off, my late husband passed away. We didn’t divorce. I am currently single but not by choice.

Second, I do not really trust that anyone else has the same definition of love or interest, that I do. This can present a lot of potential issues. Not only are definitions all wonky, but the ability to believe what someone is saying, has become, much more difficult.

Say someone decides they like me, interest has been sparked.. They determine going to share a meal or walk would be fun. Simple enough, sure let’s go. How else are you going to make friends? However, when we go, you have no questions for me. This implies the interest and or desire was for something else. If all you need are your eyes, sorry, not into it. (If you are, then this blog post probably isn’t for you.)

Anyone who is single out there, this is especially important for those who have become so, after a long commitment. We need time to rearrange how we think. You can not rush that. For those of us who have experienced traumatic events relating to relationships, it is a sticky thing to try to communicate. If someone has experienced a real long lasting worked at- love, accepting the flirty crush as “love” is impossible. It is cute, but insubstantial. Not real, and people like myself have the tenacity to tell you that. We even hold our own in check because it isn’t the same as losing someone who loves who you are, because they took the time to find out. That time is important, valuable, it represents experience.

If a single person has placed themselves “open to love” that is a choice, a decision made. They may be better prepared for the fleeting types of interest which last a couple months. Honeymoon or puppy-love stage is what it was called forty years ago.

Not even sure if there is a correct term anymore. For myself, I have been a committed partner for over thirty-five years. I put in a ton of work, to keep my words, and actions aligned with the promises I made. I am really proud of that.

I got close to feeling it returned, but not quite. I did not blame anyone for that, because I felt defective, broken despite being dedicated, strong and loyal at the same time. If I was missing something, check with my own self first, to see if I can take care of myself before bugging anyone else. Let alone trying to change someone to fit what I needed.

Yet that is exactly what I required of myself. Listen, compromise, make good decisions keeping the other person’s feelings in the fore front, and never intentionally hurt someone.

Problems arise when you have an unspoken rule between you. Say I am all the above, strong, dedicated, loyal, messed up too, but I try to overcome the faults, and do my best not to hold anyone else’s against them. The issue which can develop is when inside yourself, you are willing to make sacrifices and compromises, because of your rule, left unspoken. Said rule being, “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” That rule, sets expectations. If I give, you will give, and that isn’t always true.

Personally I have dedicated my life to living by that rule, and boy, it is perfect! But only when the other has the same rule. If your partner doesn’t know or hold as much importance to the concept as you do? Complete disaster. Talk about hard feelings, hurt feelings, and arguments that go around in circles because, everyone forgot to actual ask about, unspoken rules.

So here is my thought. As opposed to “assuming” that everyone lives by the same code as yourself. Ask them. If you are the type of person who would stop at a four way stop sign in the middle of the desert without any other cars around or clear reason to stop- and do so anyway? Make sure the other person you are with would as well. Are they kind to their wait-staff, their family, other women and men, their own friends?

Pay attention. Understand that everything isn’t about you, and there is always always always more to the story than you are aware of. Without fail. And remember this about your person too. One issue may not be worth the conflict, and or quite possibly, too big to explain to someone you have just started hanging out with.

Making sure that you are not only ready to give to another person, is as much for them as it is for you. It is asking for argument and conflict, to have reservations without expressing them. And when you do? Make sure they understand. And be prepared for every reaction you would never have, let alone show. Assumptions and expectations will be the ultimate downfall of a relationship, especially when kept hidden.

When you enforce a boundary, it helps keep everything else from falling down. It isn’t a crime against the other person. It isn’t a selfish act. It demonstrates respect. For both involved.

[Please understand I use general basic terms which can be switched around if needed. Do not assume prejudicial tendencies because I use heterosexual terms. Thank you ]

For the ladies. Have you been holding codes secret? Do you have a code? If it is anything close to the golden rule, you can not turn around and be violent. You can not turn around and lie to create a situation that garners favor on your side. You can not with-hold information and feelings and if you do so anyway, do not react when your person does to failing. You didn’t give them a chance to begin with. That is your bad. (Specific situation without physical abuse. Abuse needs to be stopped- leave- but didn’t topic.)

I never thought I would ever hear so many situations where women just lost their minds and went violent. Maybe and most likely it has always happened. Which is just as awful. So we are no more perfect than the men who do things like that Steal, and play game for revenge or as a defense. I mean what is the point?

For the guys: There are so many “bad apples” out there, I completely feel for you. What so many real genuine men have had to put up with is disgraceful. Know still, that not all of us are like that. If you begin respectfully, our feeling will reflect that. We will be respectful back, it is really nice. And we have our own guards up just like you do. Let’s not be cruel to each other, why waste the time and energy?

All the tools and new ways of connecting now have completely changed what it means to be single now. So different that I am looking out thinking, h*ll-No!

I am certainly disheartened to discover all the changes in how people interact with each other, since the 1980’s. Completely different. Course we didn’t have the internet back then, so you didn’t have to worry about opening a message to have a body part staring at you. Or a sonogram claiming your DNA. Or a way to have your location tracked by someone you are trying to avoid either.

Back then you could slam the phone down, hurt their ear, your hand, and possibly the phone itself, but by doing so, you got a tiny bit of satisfaction, which helped you release some anger and tension. When the phone would ring again, few minutes later, you had inadvertently taken a deep breath, and your thoughts cleared. Your behavior and feelings followed suit right behind. Again, it is a time thing.

To me, I want to avoid the drama right there. Communicate before any negative or destructive thoughts and feelings even are brought into play. If you expressed interest in someone, and they accepted. Show, your interest. Ask questions about them- and whatever you are curious about. With an exception. The exception being what they are willing to do in bed or other personal intimate action. Bra size and clasp information not the best subject. Their hobby, friends, school, opinions thoughts, absolutely perfect.

It will get you farther. Your person will believe you are interested in “them” which includes the inside parts that are interpreting your actions and words. Not just their reactions to your awesomeness. Same for women too. If you show interest, be interested, don’t subject them to gossip, or anything requiring a wallet. That is what developed the reputions in the first place.

Jerks should really be fewer- and further between, than they seem to be. Of course, I was not out there being single for the last 35 years. Which is why my answer would be a big fat nope- if asked. Not because I am necessarily not interested, but because of fear. In my experience, I kept my word, and death did us part. Didn’t ask for it.

That doesn’t mean my heart can not be opened to loving anyone else. It does however suggest that I have expressed the kind of love you decide to fight for. The kind of love that does not have any requirements, or negative judgements/opinions. The kind of love that hurts sometimes, but is as real as it gets. The kind that lasts long after the death parting.

So what? What does that even mean if the other is in the past, dead?

It will not be easy to to go back to hearts and flowers without knowing somewhere inside, this isn’t real love. This is all foo foo fluff. Not real, and once you have tasted real? Fake just will not cut it. And fake, means, being interested in someone because of something that will change. Like looks for example. To really love someone, looks shouldn’t actually matter. Would you stop loving your child if they were injured and didn’t look the same way? Of course not. Same exact thing.

The ideal should always be, to stay within the agreed boundaries. Till death, or whatever vows/promises that are important to both people. You are trying to create a team. Which means individuals coming together, to put their talents and energies together- it might seem obvious that you would want to be honest about what talents you have, and what your own goals are.

If you start off in the dating world, being authentic and real, and honest with yourself, as much as with people you want to see? There is a much greater chance you will find someone you can really get along with. Even through tough times.

If that isn’t what you want, find someone who does want the exact same thing you do. It isn’t a crime to not. Just because you are into someone, that does not mean they are obligated to return the same feelings or- deal with yours. It is hit or miss. But you’d be starting off doomed to fail, without acknowledging that. Either person.

For anyone else out there shying away from dating for whatever reason? Totally okay- Go You! Make your decision and stick to it, because that is the exact thing which commands respect. Demonstrates intelligence and maturity, as well as offers respect.

If you are healing from grief, take as much time as you need. Grief can become so overwhelming it completely takes over. It is something diagnosable.

Do not force change. It doesn’t last when forced. Only change what you feel comfortable changing inside yourself. Say you have a bad habit of being late all time. Can cause issues for someone, go ahead and work on being more considerate. You can change yourself because that is who you have control over. Not your person of interest, they get to do that if they feel it is right.

But don’t change because another person demands or implies you should without making sure, it is right for you. If it isn’t right, you will know. Do not ask or try to force anyone to change either. Love through it. Which doesn’t mean accept and keep subjecting yourself to bad behavior. It means, honoring each person’s right to be exactly who they are. If you don’t like it, find someone else you like more, without insisting on change. It is actually rude and offensive, to try to change someone else, because there is always more to the story. It isn’t your right, or theirs to change you.

In closing, I will reiterate. I haven’t been single since the 1980’s, late. I became single in 2021, due to death. I do not mean offense, by saying, no, thank you for asking. It does not equate with you being “less-desirable” or a man (in my imagined scenario) or whatever. In fact take it as a compliment that I would suggest looking for someone else.

Unless you send me an email or message which starts with something like a term of endearment, you haven’t earned the right to use with me, or a picture with nakedness. Then you can expect absolute rude-offensive-responses. I detest the word “dear” and “beautiful” now. Apparently, there are other women out there who punish their persons for NOT doing that. So I understand why that is so prevalent. But it doesn’t mean I will respond to it. It has lost its ability to “endear.”

I will not respond to anything hinting at manipulation. But what will get you a dose of the Irish-Anger is not listening and or not believing I mean what I say. If you can not listen, or read something I sent, don’t expect me to listen or read anything from you. And if you try to fake it, well, that becomes pretty dang obvious quick. And I will certainly treat you the way I wish to be treated.

The real people, willing to put in the work for a relationship, are not going to fall for games. It isn’t real, that’s playing. And as mentioned, once you’ve had a taste of the real deal, nothing else will do.

Personal opinions, and thoughts of course. And not that I have dated, and this information is not being written with any person in mind. It is in reaction to so many major horror stories. Men to women, women, to men, and all variables in between. It is as if all inter-personal skills have been abandoned for instant gratification and selfish behavior. “Me Me ME” attitudes.

One more thing. Observe as much as you put forth. Try to understand and garner clues about the parts of the story you are not privy to. If you are interested in dating someone, pay attention to them. What they say, how they say it. If you are going to play games, and not be honest, do not go for those healing from traumas or insecurities. Unless you are trying to be awful. You could trigger a new issue for them. Unless, you want to be their hero. Then do that. Consistently. And give them the time to understand and trust in it

You do not actually get to decide anything for anyone else.

Dating is about hope. Don’t kill someone else’s ability to hope, because you decided you were more important. Hire someone instead. They are paid to make you feel important.

Thanks for the read-

Be Brave, Be authentic, and be honest.

Kerry-

(and never start an email with Hello dear or Hello beautiful… such fake cheese) – And at the rate everything changes- I don’t think I will ever be able to catch up. I’m open, but not to getting involved with anyone flying red flags.

Good luck! More than welcome to comment with your own horror story. Explain why you are dating and what your strategies are, or why not. The more information out there, the better and more options to choose in any given situation.

That is gaining wisdom. If you are unable to even put yourself as part of a team- a more than just yourself involved- scenario, don’t involve anyone else. They count as much as you yourself do. If you disagree? Leave that one alone- go to the next. Pretty simple right?

Three years being a widow. This is why I do not date. Why I cringe at the thought. Everyone seems to be out there for their our gratification and no one cares about anything anyone else feels. Doesn’t count. Except in my world. My definition of love needs to know and respect you, because of reasons I believe in.

That is what my albeit- limited experience has shown me thus far. Wisdom allows me to utilize it. If a team member shows up- brilliant- if not- that’s fine too-