Ego is my enemy but I kind of need her?

I really struggle with ego. Through my study of self help and self development, I’ve come to know that ego can be the enemy. It highlights all our ugliness. Or rather, our scars and our need for approval on the surface level. The reason I struggle with it most is because I can recognise my ego talking, but I don’t like letting things go just because it’s my ego talking!

Let me explain.

I have this need to be right. Not like a know it all, but in a disagreement or difference of opinion and perspective, I yearn for the other person to say, “oh yeah, I see what you mean actually.” Most of the tension between me and my husband comes from these kinds of situations, where my point of view doesn’t feel validated.

This is ego, right?

It’s the ego that wants to be right. The ego that needs to be validated and stroked. But is it so awful to want to be seen? Because at a fundamental level, that’s what the ego wants: to be seen.

Woe is me, but I haven’t felt very seen my whole life. I’ve felt like I’ve often been on the outside looking in. Not had the right friends. Not felt truly comfortable in my own skin. Not valued and seen for who I truly am. That sucks. Then having been a writer all these years…that’s a literal cry to be seen! My writing expresses the deepest parts of me and yet…I’ve always struggled to find a bigger audience (thank you for reading, those of you who are here, and perhaps always reading my work!).

I have a yearning to belong. To finally belong. To be seen for the real me and for someone to say, “wow, yes, this person is fantastic.”

Isn’t that what we all want?

So I do struggle with ego because I have this need now in adulthood to speak up for myself. To say, “no, hang on a minute, hear me out and see what I see. Please!” On the surface it may come across as just a small person arguing for no reason, or going in a mood over something trivial, but it’s deeper than that for most people who wrestle with their ego.

Ego goes further than this, obviously. It’s about pride and self image and control. Things we need to be careful about. My ego says, “you must do better; be better; be the best” whereas my soul says “I love you and you are perfect just as you are, unconditionally”. One drives us to set goals and be ambitious, while the other allows space for rest. Both are needed, no? I think the truly enlightened would disagree with me and say that those who are in touch with their higher selves, know what they intuitively want and need and so they, too, set goals, but from a more authentic and connected place.

I don’t have the answer yet. This is just rumination. With summer off, I’ve been writing a lot and it feels so great until I think, “Is it any good? Will anyone ever see it? Will anyone ever care?” A bad thought to have in the early stages of any writing! I guess it’s just frustration that I’ve been writing consistently for so long and I feel not enough people see my work. That I’m failing to put myself out there. That everyone else seems to know how to sell and market whatever they want. That so many people are living their dream or doing something awesome on the side that’s successful, while I’ve tried since I was 18 and it hasn’t quite worked out.

Again, woe is me.

Monetary success isn’t an entitlement for all. Fame or acclaim isn’t something I’m entitled to, either. It shouldn’t ever be the driving force behind why I write. Luckily, it’s not; otherwise I would have stopped long ago! It just hurts every now and then seeing my peers surpassing me when they started after me.

I guess my road is a longer one. And I must clap for others and learn from them along the way. Swallow my pride and do this so that I can succeed one day.

Thanks again for reading and being here. I really do appreciate those of you who have been here with me for years

Sincerely,

S. xx