July 23, 2024: Second round of script notes!

Thanks for the second draft of your script. Unfortunately, the changes you made didn’t really address the issues we had and, in some cases, actually made things worse.We see you’ve decided to lean into the Iran conspiracy angle with the discovery that this 20-year-old kid from a suburb in Pittshburgh had three encrypted overseas accounts on his phone. A bit of a stretch, but okay. Then the very next day, you have officials announce Iran is two weeks away from a nuclear bomb. TWO WEEKS?! Can we be a little less obvious in telegraphing where this is headed? With all due respect, we’ve heard someone at the Federal Bureau of Investigation may be helping you write this script. If so, then this is the worst FBI plot since the Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping.Speaking of conspiracies, we love the reveal that shady characters are connected to the investment group that tried to short shares in the Presidential Front Runner’s compay prior to the assassination attempt. However, we would prefer if there weren’t so many of them involved. As written, it’s like a cabal of global supervillains. We’d advise you to just go with one, maybe two, of the most loathsome among them. We lean towards either Decrepit Palpatine Dude or Ernst Stavro Blofeld Guy.With regard to the investment group, the explanation for why those twelve million shares were shorted is hard to swallow. Surely you can come up with something better than “It was an accident!”. What if, instead, they were the target of a hack by a disgruntled employee or, better yet, the unfortunate victims of a Crowdstrike software update?In our first round of notes, we flagged the ladder that is found propped up against the building the shooter accesses. We requested a good explanation for what the ladder was doing there and I threw out “Maybe the security personnel were planning to use it to climb onto the roof later”, which is exactly what you’ve ended up going with here. Need we remind you that we are executives, not writers, and our suggestions should be viewed more as place-holders designed to inspire better ideas. The last thing we want is for you to incorporate all of our suggestions into your script, especially with Madame Web still fresh in everyone’s memory. By the way, suggesting the shooter actually gained access to the roof by crawling through the air conditioning duct doesn’t change the fact that someone left a ladder there! Please, let’s lose the ladder.And PLEASE lose the drone the shooter flies over the venue mere hours before the attempted assassination! At this point, we’re one step removed from the Secret Service giving this guy a ride around the block in their motorcade because he asked nicely. [Note: This is sarcasm. Please do not have the Secret Service give the shooter a ride around the block in their motorcade.]The audience is not going tot buy the excuse that local law enforcement was in charge of security for the event, thereby absolving the Secret Service of any blame. They’re the Secret Service after all. They would have been in charge of the entire operation including, by the way, running a weapons sweep. But let’s look the other way on that one (as some feel they did).By the way, kudos on the mid-weekend flip-flop by the Secret Service that goes from them vehemently denying the fact they refused requests for increased security to them suddenly admitting they did. This beat really captures the essence of bureacratic duplicity. This theme is also beautifully echoed in the extended sequence where the Secret Service Director testifies for hours before the House Oversight and Accountability Committee yet sheds absolutely no light on the events in question. We really like where you’re not going with this!Holy smokes! The third act twist of the incumbent bowing out of the race is a real shocker that nevertheless inspires by showing how a small handful of determined individuals (mostly powerful mega donors) can effect real change in the system and make a difference. The story moment is made all the more surprising by the manner in which he does it. No live television address to the American people. No pre-taped audio message. Just an “Oh, by the way” post on X. While we appreciate his selfless decision not to pre-empt Master Chef and American Ninja Warrior, it stil feels a little weird, almost border-line comical, especially the “talk to you later this week” note after one of the most consequential decisions in political history. UNLESS comically bizarre is what you’re going for here. If that’s the case, then how about instead of posting on social media, you have him fax his decision to the New York offices of The Guardian. And then, two weeks later, after no one responds, he realizes that newspaper ceased publication in 1992.BTW are we ever going to see this character again? It doesn’t feel like it. If that’s the case, then this might be a great stunt casting opportunity.Also want to mention how thrilled everyone here is about the new Presidential candidate storlyine. I haven’t seen the office this excitedly looking forward to something since the Game of Thrones finale!As much as we enjoyed the deranged talk show host in the first draft, you lean too heavily into her psychosis in this rewrite. We have a hard time imagining an audience getting on board with her lunatic ravings, much less the revelation that some 42% of the incumbent’s supporters actually believe her wild conspiracy theories. We need to bring this number way down to single digits. People are not that gullible.The media is frustratingly uniterested in investigating the events surrounding the plot, instead focusing on the minutae of glass fragments versus bullet nicks and the relative size of ear bandages. While we appreciate your efforts to authentically represent the current state of modern journalism, it doesn’t make for very interesting viewing so a little creative license is warranted here. Please have them pursue the shooter’s friends, families, and employers with the same indefatigable doggedness as they would had he, rather than shooting a Republican politician, instead posted a controversial joke on Facebook.And that’s it for now. Looking forward to your next draft!P.S. We heard you were thinking of incorporating a psychological profile of the shooter into the script. If so, I will have our office forward you the standard plot template we use for all our productions. It covers the usual: keyword searches for “clinical depressive disorder” in the shooter’s search history, the discovery of anti-depressants in his home, quotes from Hollywood psychiatrists about how a sense of isolation may lead individuals to act out violently, etc. Feel free to shape them to fit your narrative!

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