How and why to stop hollering across the house; Grandma’s rhubarb coffee cake; Links!
The other day I shared on Instagram a little reel from Rabbi Manis Friedman with a little tip: Don't ever call your spouse from another room — don't summon each other, don't shout from across the house. “It's not dignified,” he says!
It called to mind a memory. Long ago, when we were married but hadn't had children yet, or our baby was very little, I stopped by the home of friends — maybe I was dropping something off? I can't remember, but it was a “dropping in” sort of thing and they were in the midst of a busy morning. The house was small but they were just hollering to each other even as they talked to me! One would leave the room and the other would start shouting to him or her, as the case may be, for really no reason at all!
At that moment, it occurred to me that this isn't a good idea. All that hollering wasn't going to be okay with me.
Let's have a little chat about this and about how we can be realistic about the work and effort it takes to train ourselves to have good habits.
There's a trendy idea out there about “manifesting” the perfect life you want to have, as if envisioning it will bring it about. Comment “MANIFEST” and your dreams will come true!
Sure, we need a vision. We need role models and images of what can be so we have something to draw us to the good. Without the picture we don't even know what we are missing. But getting from here to there? It's not about hypnotizing ourselves! Believe me, if we try it, all that happens is we get bitter about all the others who are standing in our path, obstructing our perfect happiness!
The realism comes in when we accept the work involved to master the habits needed to attain our goal. That part is not about a weird trick in our brain, it's about lining up our will with what has to happen and having fortitude in attacking our disposition to do otherwise.
Lots of people get disillusioned with family life because it can be mayhem. Women in particular feel very disappointed when they desire to devote themselves to their family, but real life feels loud! Grating! Not quiet! Excessively disruptive!
They then turn to things that they can control and downplay the importance of motherhood. This is the root of a lot of what drives feminism, at an elemental level, if we are honest about it. Even starting a business or going back to school can seem easier than facing the noise and disorder of home. Yet the disorder is a result of husband and wife not taking steps to train themselves and the children in better ways.
But good news, there are practical tips to making things more peaceful! You can get the good habits needed to have an environment you actually want to be in!
Rabbi Friedman is right. It's important to avoid shouting and hollering at your spouse from another room. I think I went home and talked to the Chief about my experience, though he doesn't remember it. I'm pretty sure I said I thought we should try not to yell, but if something is important, to go into the room where the other is and say what we need to say. I know he agreed because that's what we do, for the most part.
When I posted the reel, I got several responses about “I yelled because the baby was coming — ‘Come catch the baby'”!! This is a reasonable exception! I myself made allowances in my post for a spider in the shower…
It means a lot when your spouse comes into the room to ask you something. It elevates the tone of your interactions. Even if you have to communicate from room to room, leading with “My Dear?” “Darling?” “Hon, where are you?” softens the blow.
Once you agree on this rule for each other (with the normal caveats! obviously! and by the way, this will be different for different families and sizes of houses, and that's fine), it becomes crystal clear how things should go with the children.
Here are the rules we made and explained (over and over again, because that's how it goes! be willing to put in the work!)
It's naughty to yell for Mama or Papa. Get up and come find me. (What will happen when they are following this rule is that they will yell to find out where you are and you will holler back “KITCHEN” or wherever you happen to be. I never said there will be zero yelling and hollering!)
If there is a true emergency, then please do yell for me.
If I get there and it is NOT an emergency, you will have to stop your activity to do an extra chore for me (or worse, depending on the stubbornness of the subject). (NB: Make a list of extra chores like wipe down/vacuum a set of stairs, tidy up the shoes in the mudroom, sweep the porch, windex the sliding door, and so on. If they are yelling during a chore for no good reason, then they should finish that chore and then do another one.)
If you don't make and enforce these rules, you will end up in ridiculous situations like one that happened to me when we lived in a raised ranch house (the main part upstairs, TV and game room downstairs). I thought I definitely heard, “MAMA!!!” “WHAT?” I responded… and then waited. “WHAT?” I responded again. Nothing. It seemed so quiet, so I was worried that maybe there was trouble, but I also was elbow-deep in something. “WHAT!” I yelled again. “WHAT” finally came back. “WHAT?” I yelled. “WHAT WHY ARE YOU CALLING US? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Aye yi yi. Time to go back to my rules!
Which leads me to another point: If they really do yell for you for no reason, just ignore them. It's fine.
Mama and Papa can holler for kids. This is definitely a hierarchy matter (which is why it's not appropriate for spouses to yell for each other). If you have to go find a child to tell him what to do, you will be worn out before second breakfast. But, and this is important, when that child hears his name, he should know to come to you.
The bad habit is allowing the expectation that you are going to shout all the instructions from wherever you are! Not feasible, yet sadly often done.
“When you hear me call you, come immediately! If you are in the bathroom, you can shout that. But otherwise, come instantly. If I have to come get you after I call you, there will be trouble.”
Now, sometimes a child is absorbed in play or work or reading. So think before you summon him. That too should be respected (if it's being done at a more or less appropriate time). I think parents often make the mistake of demanding prompt obedience to some whim they have, without taking into consideration the state of mind of the child.
And sometimes the child is trying to carry out one task when another is demanded of him!
But I promise you, if you display respect for that aspect, the fact that he too is a person (even if 2 or 3) and may be busy with something important to him, he will learn to obey promptly when you call. That's family life at its best: wanting to do the will of the others in love and respect, with the proper deference to the order of authority. Remember, that order works both ways; it's not about power but about the good of all.
Wait until you have a child old enough to be sent on the mission of taking a message — so great. “Little Jonny, please go say to Papa, ‘Mama sends her compliments and would like to know if he would be ready for supper a few minutes early' — can you do that for me?” And eagerly he runs off!
Less shouting is going to help a lot with making home a place of happiness. Try it!
I made my mother-in-law's Rhubarb Coffee Cake and thought you might like the recipe! It's super moist and has a great contrast between and amongst the sweet cake, tart rhubarb, and crispy topping.
It can be mixed up very quickly and is ready to go. You could substitute fruit and it would be delightful because the cake part is just so good, but there's something about the sourness of the rhubarb that gets me every time! I'm sorry I don't have a photo of the interior — I took this one to the Rosary group my friend hosts and didn't have a chance. When I make it again I will update with a good shot of a piece from the side.
I loved it the first time she made it and she was so nice to write out the recipe for me!
By the way, I used to think it would be better to have all the random recipes printed out all clean and tidy, preferably in the same format and font (as if I'm the kind of person who will do this!), but as I get older, I find it endearing to come across the handwriting of a friend or relative, and even the splotches don't bother me. The little idiosyncrasies even make the recipe easier to find in my binder. (I will type it all out below.)
Rhubarb Coffeecake Like Mother, Like Daughter (and Mary Lawler)
Preheat oven to 350°F
Grease one 9 x 13″ pan or two 8″ round cake or pie pans (you can see I chose neither — any pan in the ballpark will work)
Cream until light and fluffy:
1/2 cup butter (I did change this, from the original margarine, of course!)
1 1/4 cup sugar (the rhubarb is very tart and this does not taste like a lot of sugar; if you use fruit instead, reduce the sugar to 1 cup I think – try it!)
Beat in:
1 egg
Add dry and wet ingredients alternately:
2 cups all purpose flour (I used 1 1/2 cups of AP and 1/2 cup whole wheat)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup buttermilk (sometimes I don't have that but I use 3/4 cup yogurt/sour cream mix and 1/4 cup milk, whisked together)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Fold in:
2 cups chopped fresh or frozen rhubarb
Sprinkle this mixture on top:
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 cup sugar
2 tablespoons soft butter
1/2 cup chopped pecans (I used a bit more)
Bake for 40 minutes or until a tester comes out clean. Cool and enjoy!
bits & piecesTony Esolen with a beautiful meditation of a poem by George Herbert, a poem with a hidden secret! “Now here’s the amazing thing about this short poem. In itself it models the kind of hidden motion we ought to have.” Enjoy, and tuck away for poetry class this fall…
Here's an inspired song, their “alma mater”, written for Wyoming Catholic College by my friend Peter Kwasniewski, conducted by another friend, Paul Jernberg. The Latin lyrics, by Nancy Llewellyn, are translated in the video itself, but I also posted them as a comment below the video after Peter shared them with me.
A reader sent this video, about how old-fashioned awnings can greatly cool off your home! I recommend reading the comments as well — they have a lot of tips about practical ways to shade from the sun.
Last week I posted about the conference I will be speaking at, A Return to Tradition, in Littleton CO at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church. It's already sold out, so sorry about that, but you can see the streaming option if you go to their website.
from the archives
Another favorite summer recipe: Eggplant Obsession! I love that you can make a batch and serve it another day at room temperature.
Two more rules for an even more peaceful family situation or at least a less exasperated one
liturgical living
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My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available from Sophia Press! Also in paperback now! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
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