Slab

Ever since he’s started eating on the humans in the freezer, Ross has gained an amazing 150 pounds. He finishes a slab of the human’s ribs and reflects on what life used to be like. He had been a social creature: parties, girlfriends, a good job.

Then one day, he just got tired of it all. He no longer wanted anything more than to kill a few humans and keep them in his new deluxe freezer.

Ross had, on a number of occasions after eating human flesh, tried to venture out into the world but it had become too difficult. The phone calls and drop-ins had ceased shortly after he quit going to parties and the job. After all communication with the outside world had ended it became too difficult for him to go outside. He could feel people staring at his fat, pale unwashed flesh. Ross had stopped shaving and he knew whenever he farted they all smelled the stink of death. People shot him the evil eye. Priests crossed themselves after walking by and none of it meant anything to Ross. He only wanted to eat his freshly prepared meals, wash them down with some tap water and masturbate, the taste of the last bite still fresh on his tongue.

Ross brings himself back into present time and rises from the table, going to the sink and washing his dish. After washing, Ross retires to his chair for a pleasant post-meal slumber.

Then a very strange thing happens.

The phone rings.

At first, Ross doesn’t know what to do.

Then he swallows, takes a deep breath, and goes to answer the phone.

“Hullo,” he says.

“Mr. Ross?” the voice on the other line asks.

“Yes, this is Mr. Ross.”

“Mr. Ross. We know you have a dead body in your apartment.”

“Not true.”

“What?”

“Not true.”

“So you don’t have a dead body in your apartment?”

“No way. That’s illegal.”

“What about a dead cow. Neighbors say they’ve heard you sawin’ on something over there.”

“Is it illegal to keep a dead cow?”

“If it becomes a nuisance to those around you. Say, are you sure you don’t have a dead body there?”

“No way. That is, I mean, I’m sure.”

“This is Mr. Ross, 311 Purple Rose Street, Apartment 4F, correct?”

“Yes, it is.”

“No dead body?”

“Nobody but me.”

“Well, okay, then … Hey, you wouldn’t tell us if you had a dead body in there anyway.”

“Sure I would.”

“Well, I think we’re going to send somebody over there to check it out.”

“I’ll be waiting for you, Mr. …?”

“Black. Stanley Black.”

“Thank you, Mr. Black.”

It was strange talking to another human being, Ross thinks upon hanging up the phone. Well, he thinks, guess I should finish up the rest of that dead body.

It is a lot to eat and his stomach ends up rupturing after the last bite.

The detective who comes over to check out the apartment has been into cannibalism for a little over two years. When he sees Ross’ huge dead body he is both shocked and delighted. He waits a few minutes before calling Detective Black.

“Yeah, Stan, I’m here at that guy’s apartment. No, everything’s clean, checks out fine. I think I’m gonna take off for the day after this, though. All right. Thanks, Chief.”

After hanging up, the detective gets on the phone with one of his cannibal friends to help him drag that bitch of a corpse out to the car.