From Shame to Grace: Embracing God’s Love in the Midst of All Kinds of Sexual Brokenness

Have you ever experienced the fear and shame that follows the vortex of unwanted sexual behavior like: erotica, promiscuity, or porn sites? You may think you’re alone and feel like hiding. But you’re not alone—and there is hope and healing. The great joy and passion of Dr. Juli Slattery and Dr. Joy Skarka is calling women to God’s gracious power of redemption. It’s a grace to welcome Juli and Joy to the farm’s front porch today…

Guest Posy by Juli Slattery and Joy Skarka of Authentic Intimacy

Sometimes when we hear “sexual sin is bad,” we translate that into “my sexuality is bad.”

God created us as sexual beings. The act of sexual intimacy is a good gift, created to be a celebration within the covenant of marriage.

Your sexual desires are not bad, although they may have been misdirected and twisted by sin. God created you as a woman with longings, hormones, and desires. Having questions and desires about sex is not weird, we just have to learn how to steward them in singleness and marriage.

Understanding sexual temptation begins with understanding why God created sex in the first place. It’s important for you to understand that sexual desire is ultimately rooted in a desire for intimacy.

Over the past decade I (Juli) have interacted with thousands of Christians who struggle with a variety of sexual struggles. I’ve come to this conclusion:

We all carry some level of sexual and relational brokenness.

Maybe you want to be free of porn or erotica. Maybe you have a friend who doesn’t struggle with porn, but she spends hours a day on social media. What she sees on the screen has shaped what she buys and how she interacts with people. You and your friend’s struggle may be different, but it’s also the same. At its most basic level, you don’t have a porn problem; you have an intimacy problem.

While we live in a world that encourages sexual exploration, our culture often sabotages intimacy. We are busy, distracted, and simply move on when relationships become difficult. Social media encourages us to present only the best version of ourselves, making us feel like no one could really love us exactly as we are. Feeling isolated and unlovable, we fall for what can feel like a valid substitution.

“At its most basic level, you don’t have a porn problem; you have an intimacy problem. “

SEX IS OFTEN A SEARCH FOR INTIMACY

In the beginning of my sexual journey, I (Joy) never actually wanted sex. I wanted to feel loved, cherished, and beautiful. I longed for intimacy. For a split second, I would feel loved, but the moment would fade as my boyfriend put on his clothes and walked out the door. 

Most women don’t look at porn for porn’s sake. We use pornography because it promises to dull the pain of the past and to make us feel wanted and loved, even for a moment. Our desire to be loved and find love is not a bad thing. God created marriage, romantic love, and sexual desire.

Desiring love is part of our God-given design, but first and foremost God designed us to long for His love.

A WOMAN WHO LONGED FOR LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

The book of John includes a story of a woman who felt unloved and searched for acceptance and satisfaction in her life. In fact, she may have had a lot in common with a woman today who struggles with porn. Take a few moments to read her story in John 4.

Here is what we know about her:

She was a Samaritan. Samaritans were regarded by most Jewish people as not being true seekers of God. Samaritans and Jews carried racial prejudice against each other.She had five previous husbands. In the ancient Near East culture, women didn’t have the choice to divorce, so this woman likely had been rejected or abandoned by a series of men.She was currently living with a man she wasn’t married to. Again, we don’t know the circumstances that led her to this relationship.She was at the well during the hottest part of the day. It is highly probable that because of her shame, she avoided going to the well when other women would be there.

“Desiring love is part of our God-given design, but first and foremost God designed us to long for His love.“

Here is what we know about how Jesus interacted with this woman:

He intentionally lingered by this well while His disciples went off to find something to eat.By talking to her, Jesus broke cultural and racial barriers, showing her dignity and attention. This woman mattered to Jesus. He intentionally stepped into the most vulnerable aspect of her life. She didn’t volunteer the information about her past and current relationships. Jesus spoke this truth about her.He didn’t pile on shame, but offered her the greatest hope. He revealed to this woman that He was the Messiah.He spoke her language by offering her “living water.” Yes, she was physically thirsty, but she had also been relationally thirsty. The water Jesus offered was not physical water, but the water of life-giving love and acceptance. Jesus gave her the opportunity for a relationship with Him and eternal life!

Here was a woman, lonely, isolated, and likely suffocating with sexual shame. Yet when she met Jesus, He knew her fully and loved her completely.

Even though she was a Samaritan and He was a Jew, He looked her in the eyes and showed her compassion.

Picture yourself in her shoes, probably lonely or feeling unloved. She likely had trauma in her past from being abused, divorced, widowed, or abandoned. We don’t know her story, but Jesus did. We do know that she longed for more, for the living water Jesus offered.

What would change in your life if you lived fully satisfied by the Living Water?

Friend, Jesus is the One that you’ve been waiting for in your search for meaning and fulfillment.

Imagine what your life would be like if you actually believed that Jesus’ love could satisfy you.

What if you woke up each morning knowing that no matter what you did today, how you performed, or how you felt, Jesus would still love you?

His love doesn’t change.

He is constant and always pursuing you. 

In Her Freedom Journey, Juli and Joy—believing that sexual freedom begins with discipleship—lead you through teaching that is coupled with personal reflection.

In this 8-week combination book and workbook, women will discover freedom from pornography by experiencing the love of God as they address underlying wounds and connect through authentic community.

If you’d like to learn more about the book, or know someone longing their her own FREEDOM JOURNEY, you can read more here.

We would also love to invite you to learn more about our ministry, Authentic Intimacy here.

{Our humble thanks to Moody for their partnership in today’s devotional.}