Dealing With Frustration at Work

 

Do you get frustrated at work? Do you experience that hot, horrible feeling of being blocked from achieving something you care about? Research says it’s the most common negative emotion that we feel in the workplace, so you probably do get frustrated from time to time. But how do you handle it professionally, like a grown-up? Because grown-ups do get frustrated: it’s how we deal with it that makes all the difference.

6 Tips for Dealing with Frustration at Work

I’m going to take you through a few tips, and then share three derailers—things that you might be tempted to do but are a bad idea.

Let’s start with what you should do.

1. Vent Out Energy

Don’t try to deal with the core issue that you’re frustrated about before you vent out some of that built-up energy. If you think about where the word ‘venting’ comes from—venting steam to prevent a dangerous explosion—you instead let out some of that steam in a way that’s safe and managed. That’s exactly what you want to do here, and how you vent depends on the kind of person you are:

Write it out. Open up a blank email with no name in the “to” line, and just let it fly. It’s not being sent to anyone, so write a scathing email with all the things you’re thinking about.If you’re an orderly person, use a blank piece of paper and organize a mind map linking your frustrations. This can really help.If you’re a social person, find somebody outside the team, preferably outside the organization, and let it rip. This is a safe place for you to vent.If you’re the type of person who needs to just walk it off, then take that brisk walk, or go to a kickboxing class at lunch.

Any of these things is a great way to get rid of 80% of what you’re feeling by venting it in a safe place. Now we’ve got 20% left.

2. Separate Fact from Fiction

The next step is to separate fact from fiction. Some of what you’re thinking about and feeling is probably based on true things. But some of it is the story you’re telling yourself and how you’ve made sense of the situation. If you can be honest with yourself, what you want to get to is which of those things are fact and which are fiction.

Here’s a secret: When you catch yourself using adjectives, like “You really rushed me, you were so rude,” these are fiction, story, and subjective. If you can get to “You only gave me 24 hours to turn that around,” then that’s a fact.

When you separate out a good chunk of the fiction or story you’re telling yourself, you get to the heart of the issue that was making you frustrated.

3. Frame the Problem

The third step is to frame the problem. In that earlier example, you started with “I was too rushed,” “I did bad quality work,” “It was embarrassing.” Then you went from “You rushed me” to “You only gave me a 24-hour turnaround time.”

Now you’re ready to articulate what the actual problem was: “I didn’t have sufficient time to feel proud of the work I did or to plan that work in a way that allowed me to deal with my other priorities.” You’ve framed the problem.

4. Figure Out Where Things Are Working

You may think the fourth step is to deal with the problem, but let me give you a fourth step to stick in the middle before that one, which is to figure out where things are working.

Once again, this step serves as another method to let off some of that emotional steam. It’s a kind of rebalancing because your focus is currently fixated on what isn’t working well. Take a moment to reflect on areas where things are working smoothly. For instance, in the 24-hour turnaround scenario, you might realize, “When given two days, I felt much better about my work. I could draft it one day, sleep on it, and make revisions. This approach made me feel better, alleviated stress, and allowed me to manage my other priorities effectively.”

5. Ask for Help

When you balance what’s not working, as framed in the problem, with what is working, where you’ve figured out a positive scenario, by the time you reach the fifth step—where you seek help, remedies, advice, or alternatives—you’ll feel more prepared and constructive.

This approach allows you to deliver the feedback more effectively. For example, “I noticed that when you gave me a 24-hour turnaround, I didn’t have the opportunity to sleep on it. I had a lot of other priorities to juggle or let people down, I wasn’t proud of the work I did. However, a couple of weeks ago, when I had 48 hours, the outcome was significantly better. Can I ask you to give me a 48-hour timeframe for future tasks?”

6. Take Control of One Thing

You may feel like this is the end. However, simply stating what needs to change isn’t as constructive as we’d like. Therefore, the sixth and final step involves doing one thing you can control. For example, you could decide to proactively check in two days before the deadline to ensure ample time for completion. Ending with a clear action plan helps to take ownership of the situation, shifting from frustration to productive grownup action.

Three Derailers

Now let’s look at those derailers that I promised at the beginning:

1. Pretending You Aren’t Frustrated

The first derailer I notice, and I know it stems from a good place, is when you attempt to pretend you’re not frustrated. You try to suck it up or wear a mask, and when people ask, “Are you okay?” you respond, “Yeah, yeah. Fine.” But you know what? It doesn’t work. People can tell you’re frustrated. There are many subtle and not-so-subtle cues. When we pretend everything’s fine, people invent their own narratives, which may be even less flattering than the truth. So don’t mask it.

2. Jumping Right into the Problem

Don’t jump straight into trying to solve the problem because, in that early stage of frustration, you probably don’t have a good sense of what the problem is. You’re basing it on that very emotional reaction and the story you’re telling yourself. The solutions you come up with in that moment probably won’t fit well with the actual problem. So get curious. And yes, “WTF?” counts as curious if you honestly want to know what the “F” is going on here. Not trying to solve the problem right away is an important step.

3. Moving on Without Learning

The last thing I see happening that’s unfortunate is that you survive this frustrating incident, you go home, you have a glass of wine, and you try to move on without learning from the situation. So take a minute to think about, “What got me frustrated there? What are my triggers? What are some things I can do to either make it less likely I’m going to be in that situation again, or to just know that that does happen?” Be prepared, set expectations so that you’re not as likely to be hijacked by those emotions.

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Dealing with frustration is something we probably all have to deal with more often than we’d like. First, vent, separate fact from fiction, frame up the problem, but also find situations and examples where things are working, and then go engage with the person. But make sure you walk away with one thing that you can do differently to make yourself feel better and don’t do those things that are going to derail you like pretending everything’s fine.

Got other messy emotional stuff you’re dealing with at work? Check out this post, how to handle feeling defensive.

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