Today ... A New Day

I can hardlybelieve that it has been nearly a year since I last blogged. But alas, it has.

When I sayso much has happened and changed since that last blog, and yet nothing has, I couldnot be any more earnest.

For a whileI struggled like never before in the financial realm and although that is not100% rectified things are better than they were.

We are still having a hardtime getting completely back on our feet, but slowly a shift is happening. Althoughfood insecurity is definitely a struggle, we have been figuring things out bybeing creative in and particular in what we eat. I don’t want to go into toomuch detail about the money thing so I will just say this … Though we are notwhere we would like to be, we are better than where we were.

By “we” Imean my family here at home (my son, soul-sister, and I).
We have lostloved ones, I made a shift in employment, and the best thing that has happenedthis year so far, by far, is spiritual growth. 

Especially inrecent months and weeks.

Depressionhad been at a fever pitch. Sort of to the point of me having entirely given upon the world. Everything seemed like a fruitless venture.

I had lostthe desire and will to even try to be happy anymore. My conviction and passionfor life, altogether snuffed out.

I’dconvinced myself that in this life Nowhere was the somewhereto which I’d be journeying to forevermore.

Thus, mylight had extinguished.

If life wascolor, I’d become a morose grey. This was hard for me. Mostly because themajority of my life I’d been the optimistic, bright person that always saw a silverlining.

Life hadbeaten me down so much that by this time last year, I was a feeble, sad wraithof who I used to be—a meat and bones phantom of the me that once existed. I wouldlook in the mirror and not see myself. I tried. Lord knows I tried. Yet, Icould not reach the summit of my felicity. I could not find love internally orexternally. I could not find contentment in self or life. I could not find optimismin existence or coexistence. There was just nothing.

Allthere was, wasthe get-up and go. And not the good kind.

I am surethat by now everyone has heard of the concept of autopilot. This was my everyday. Get up, do my daily due diligence, go to bed, repeat. Emptiness,withdrawal, and solitude was the new norm. This manifested itself in anger,resentment, and silence.

Nevertheless,I tried. Hard. I did. I considered going away. 

Disappearing. Because it feltlike the only thing I offered anyone I cared about was misery.

But a longtime ago, I learned the art of The Mask. So my mask-game was strong—it’s beenthat way most of my life. Yet, in this past year, even though I felt hollowinside the smile on my face told other people otherwise.

I’d lost my abilityto write. I’d lost my musical inclination. I could no longer hear Spirit’svoice. I had lost my spiritual connection. 

Basically, I lost everything. Everythingbut my love for cooking. But this was a catch-22 because food is comforting.And when you desperately need that comfort, you cook. You eat. Inevitably, youget fat.

Here is theeven bigger kicker. We’d been severely struggling with food insecurity (stilldo to some extent). Yet, when you need food not just to fuelyour body but to feel relief from depression, you become relentlessly creative inhow you get “you fix” if you will. So … I cooked, I baked, I did whatever Icould to eat. And of course, to feed my family.

But, my artisticand spiritual inclinations and needs had dissipated. They were mist and smoke,and intangible.

Yet, Ipressed forward with nowhere to go. If a meaningless life was the same as rockbottom, then I had unequivocally hit it. But I said nothing. Kept it all tomyself. I pressed on.

I repeat theword “press” because that is what it felt like.

It was like diggingyour shoulder into a concrete building and pushing against it with all of yourmight, trying to push it down.

Said structurewouldn’t budge but your body and ego were burnt out, hurting, bruised, andremorseful. Yet and still, you repeated this process day in and day out for solong that you’d lost track of time, place, space and your sense of self.Moreover, the reason why you’d started pushing against it in the first place.

I was,indubitably, a shadow.

 

For severalmonths I was working 2 part-time jobs back-to-back. This was my solution to nothaving a full-time job. If I worked 2 part-time jobs, I could essentially achievefull-time hours (more or less). However, this also meant much less time formyself, and even less time for my family. I was perennially exhausted because Iwas essentially working every single day. I only had one day off per week(Fridays) but since it was my only day off, I used it to take care of householdduties, thus it was really just another workday. So I fell deeper and deeper intomy inner funk.

Depressiondoes this thing where you are relieved when you get to the end of the day. Oneday at a time has a whole new meaning when all you see is darkness.

I yearned soprofoundly to find myself again and reconnect with the Universe/God/Spirit/Allah(of whatever you call the Highest Power). I desperately needed to reconnectwith my gifts, my talents, and my meaning and purpose for existing. I neededcommunity, connection and interconnection. I needed what was equivalentto my normal. If I could not find that, get there, then I felt likeI would be doomed for perpetuity.

Although, Icould not “pray” as such, my heart spoke … no … screamed for some level ofsalvation. Some relief from the devastation and despondency. For alleviationfrom a life not lived, and an existence without purpose.

Suddenly,and fairly recently the answer to that prayer came. And in the most unexpectedway ever.

Circumstantially,a full-time position became available to me at one of my places of employment.This position was offered to me. I accepted. Little did I know that this shiftwould also translate into the change I needed. The change I yearned for so desperately.

 

So much hashappened since I accepted the job and transitioned into this position. Somebad, but mostly good. Since I took the job, the depression has begun to lift. Ihave felt the sense of connection and community I needed. I have reconnectedwith Spirit, with writing, with myself. I have started to hear Spirit’s voiceagain. My abilities have started to manifest again.

I feelrelieved. I am finding myself again. Things, as of right now, are better. Notgreat. Not ideal. But absolutely better. I am grateful. One day I will sharesome psychic-medium experiences that have happened in the last couple of weeks.It is so beautiful to see, feel, hear those things again. To feel reconnectedto The Source. To know that I am not alone and have never been alone. Spirituallyspeaking, that is.

Once again …

I AMGRATEFUL.