No ifs, ands, or buts

Further Confessions of a fur-mama Flying time

No ifs, ands, or buts

AKA The secret to a great apology

Buckle up, because I’ve worked something out about humans and I can’t wait to share it with you. I worked it out after some serious human-watching. No, it’s not the Offside Rule.

A vampire could go crazy trying to work that one out.

(So could a lot of humans, from what I gather!)

I did sort of work out what that one is supposed to be, but that had nothing to do with watching actual football (soccer ) games, I can tell you! More… what would seem to make sense about plain good manners (that it’s to stop anyone deliberately hanging around the opposition’s goal in order to pop in a nonchalant goal. Hmm… is there such a word as ‘chalant’?). But, as they say, I digress. Ooh… is digress the opposite of progress? The thought just struck me.

Anyway…

I swear, this is going to save you so much trouble. And it’s all to do with when things go wrong, and how to sort it out.

The perfect apology.

And I don’t mean one of those glib, throwaway ones. The “get-out-of-jail-free” ones. The “I’ve-been-a-monster-but-if-I-say-sorry-there’ll-be-zero-consequences” ones. The “sorry” that is well-practised and overused and therefore pretty much meaningless. I’ve heard (and received) several of those in this century and the last.

No.

I’m talking about the “Omigosh-I-really-messed-up-and-I-need-to-sort-it-out” type of apology. Get your notebook and pencil out.

*Clears throat*

There are 3 parts to a great apology.

Say it. Fix it. Stop it.

This was a little system I developed when I was working with the mini humans. Let’s face it, they won’t say sorry unless they absolutely have to. And even when they say it, you’d think the word ‘sorry’ was attached to their teeth. Because when the word finally comes snarling out of their little pouts, you’d swear it was holding on for dear life, tugging the teeth out as it went.

“If I’m going out there, I’m taking all of you with me!”

So, there you go. Say it. Fix it. Stop it. It’s that simple.

Say it.

Actually use the word. And use it in a sentence. You gotta be specific. Say what you’re sorry for.

Fix it.

Whatever it was, put it right (if you can). Broken someone’s mug? Buy them a new one (sentimental value notwithstanding). Late for a date? Reschedule (if they’ll let you) and make sure you’re early. I don’t know what’s gone wrong that you need to say sorry for… these are just examples.

Stop it.

Don’t do it again. Be more careful with other people’s mugs. Set alarms to be on time. That kind of thing. It’s an important part. After all, what’s your apology (or your word) good for if you say it knowing you’re just going to repeat whatever deed it was? Or if you use it just to get someone off your back?

So what about some of the things that can spoil a good apology?

How about this little confusion? “Excuse me“/”sorry” – let’s clear up that misuse. Walking down the street, I’ve noticed that people prefer bumping into you, then saying “sorry” to saying “excuse me” and waiting a whole 2 seconds for you to move out of their way.
I blame Steve Martin. I mean, not really, but you know what I mean. The whole “Well, Excuuuuuse me!” routine. A bit like me doing morning walks because I don’t want to say “good afternoon”. Actually, no. Probably. Possibly. Forget I said that.

Don’t fake it if you break it… so here we go. There are important words not to use when offering your perfect apology.

There are two that you should never use if you want to sound sincere – if & but. Here’s why.

If – e.g. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” It does sound like a rounded apology, but that if implies your hurt isn’t real. I’ll only be sorry if you can prove I hurt you.

But – e.g. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings but I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment.” The but implies sheer bad luck on your part. I have mitigating circumstances that actually make me the real victim here.

Have you ever found yourself using these words? How did the other person react? Did they notice?

Have you been on the receiving end of an apology that contained an “if” or a “but”? How did it make you feel? I’d be very interested to know!

It’s not all doom and gloom though. There’s one word that will level up any apology. Remember I said about being specific? And the magic conjunction that you should use is…. Drum roll, please…

That – shows that you’re accepting responsibility. Fair cop. I did it. I know I need to fix it.

”I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings when I…”

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Actually, one of those words should be used less anyway, I think.

“But”

Less buts, please. Whenever you add a “but”, you immediately do a rewind and delete on anything you’ve just said.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but…” expect rudeness, and lots of it.

“I would have gotten here sooner, but…” I didn’t, so…?

“It’s a lovely dress, but…” there are elements of hideousness I shouldn’t describe…

And I notice that a lot of humans brush off apologies with the same rigour that they use on compliments. There’s one standard phrase that l keep hearing.

“It’s alright.”

Well, no, it isn’t. Not really. The message you’re sending is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them hurting you. You’re saying it’s a good or acceptable behaviour on their part or it was more likely just your fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or have I misunderstood?

Why not just say “Thank you”? or “I appreciate that”? (These also work when you get a compliment, by the way.)

So what have I learned with all the human-watching?

That mistakes happen.

Pain happens. Even when it’s not done deliberately, it still needs to be fixed. However, people don’t always know how. And the slightest thing can make it worse. And that’s often not deliberate either. Words that normally join unemotional sentences together quite effectively can turn emotional sentences into an extra helping of hurt.

And when it’s done deliberately?

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Hmm. That’s another kettle of fish. Or saucepan of eels. For the moment, I’m not able to get my little vampire head around it. That’s a whole new batch of human-watching. I’ll get back to you on that one.

For anyone wanting to read all my rants in one place – including all-new exclusive stuff, then click below!

Volume 1 of my diary – why not start at the very beginning?

Volume 2 – more rants, musings and fairly useful advice

Volume 3 – things are afoot! The thot plickens…

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