Our Core Needs

What if I told you that wonderful minds have compiled a short list of things we need? And they are startlingly obvious and fewer, perhaps, than we suspected. Yes, “resources”, however broadly defined, factor into wellbeing. But to go on stockpiling indefinitely is perhaps to neglect other categories.

I pulled this list from the book, The Myth of Normal, by Gabor Maté, the eminent physician-author who, having spent years treating addicts in downtown Vancouver, wrote brilliantly about the connection between trauma and addiction, something we now take for granted. Maté was born in ‘44 in the Budapest Ghetto. He lost many family members to Auschwitz and the war. Last year, Tatum and I went to hear him speak and were amazed by the scope of his wisdom and kindness.

Gabor Maté’s “The Myth of Normal”

It’s difficult to write about BIG Things like the human condition and to avoid triteness. Maté succeeds because his writing pulls from his wide reading, his knowledge of the cutting-edge of scientific research, and his willingness to share his personal narrative of addiction. He’s also a close associate of Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist whose 2010 book ‘Born For Love’ changed my life.

But enough preamble. Here’s what our core needs are:

Among psychologists there is wide-ranging consensus about what our core needs consist of. These have been variously listed as:

belonging, relatedness, or connectedness;

autonomy: a sense of control in one's life;

mastery or competence;

genuine self-esteem, not dependent on achievement, attainment, acquisition, or valuation by others;

trust: a sense of having the personal and social resources needed to sustain one through life; and

purpose, meaning, transcendence: knowing oneself as part of something larger than isolated, self-centered concerns, whether that something is overtly spiritual or simply universal/humanistic, or, given our evolutionary origins, Nature.

In some ways, this is a refutation of Maszlow’s hierarchy of needs but I’m not getting into that here. Let me make a single observation. “Resources” filter into trust. We don’t “need” lots of stuff. But we do need to “trust” that we have enough.

I’m sure much of this list feels true to most you. Yet, there is a gulf between ‘knowing’ something and integrating it into our daily lives. In fact, in a world saturated with so much damn information, it feels as though we live perpetually in this gulf. Still, I hope this list offers something to ponder.

Sometimes, I take it for granted that I share a home with a trauma-therapist and that Gabor Maté is a daily reference point for us. When I shared this list with my students earlier this week, it sparked a lively discussion of what we need vs. what we think we need. I hope you have a similar reaction.

Also, I’m hoping to grow my substack so do forward this along to your friends and loved ones who you think might like to know what their core needs are as well.

For Chicago & London Folks —

Tatum and I went last night to Eddie-Izzard’s one-person performance of ‘Hamlet’ at the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I will write more about it but let me just say — WOW!

So good. Eddie Izzard’s Hamlet

I can’t believe the reviews of the New York show thought it middling. I was blown away by Izzard sustaining the illusion that one single body might be 23 separate consciousnesses. It’s a spare production, not much by way of costume or set, but it’s both an athletic achievement (2hrs and 20 mins + a fight scene!) and stellar drama.

Of course, familiarity with Hamlet helps. Comprehension might be compromised without it.

Chicago folks, it’s a very short run so try and see it before May 4th.

London (UK not Ontario) folks, it’s headed your way so don’t miss it.

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