Monday Notes: My Entry into the Adoption Community

May 18, 2024, I participated in Fog Lift Chicago. I’ve previously shared about Fog Lift and how the creator, Autumn, is a documentarian, who shares her lived experiences with reckoning with the “primal wound” of adoption. One of the subsequent results of her documentary is an event called Fog Lift, which was created to support adoptees in an experiential, artist kind of way. I also explained that I’d be interviewing Tarcia, a friend of mine about finding her birth father and paternal side of her family. I’ve been to a lot of conferences over the years, and I didn’t think this would be much different.

I was wrong.

The FOG in Fog Lift symbolizes the complicated emotions that adoptees sometimes feel. FOG is an acronym for the fear, obligation, and grief associated with being adopted, interacting with our adoptive families, or reuniting with our birth families. Similar to when I watched Reckoning with the Primal Wound, being in community with other adoptees helped me to feel seen and to face and process the FOG I’d experienced in my own life.

FEAR

The first time I searched for my birth mother and my maternal family, I experienced fear of the unknown. Who would these people be? How would they receive me? Did they want to get to know me? These questions and more shaped my concerns. Though my adoptive mother was deceased, I also feared not knowing what “Grandma Hunny,” my adoptive grandmother’s response would be. My anxiety was warranted. My maternal birth family had lived with generations of mental illness and trauma that precluded us from connecting on a deeper level, and “Grandma Hunny” was not pleased or supportive of my search.

OBLIGATION

It is common for adoptees to feel a sense of obligation to their adoptive families, especially when the common narrative is that our families “saved us.” Consequently, a lot of times, adoptive families feel hurt when adoptees want to do something natural, like locate their birth families or have relationships with their first families. For me, it manifested in my grandmother’s words, your mama said she didn’t want you to know who they were. It was a challenge to traverse these guilt trips because if I searched, then I felt as if I was betraying my adoptive family; if I didn’t search, then I was betraying someone far more important…myself.

GRIEF

Adoptees face grief in a myriad of ways. Finding our birth families and learning about our conception stories can trigger grief. Learning about the circumstances surrounding how and why our mothers and fathers relinquished their parental rights can be distressing and overwhelming. Oftentimes, we must trade the unicorn and rainbow stories we’ve developed in our minds for the horrific and traumatic stories of the truth. When I found out who my birth mother was, I simultaneously learned that she’d drowned in Lake Michigan, thus creating twice the sadness; I had to not only put my concocted story to rest, but also accept that I’d never know my mother. Finding my birth father was different, but the result has been similar. Though he is alive, he does not have the capacity to be the type of father I would want at this phase of my life. Here, I’ve had to grieve the loss of learning about who he really is, while accepting that he will be my father solely through biology.

As the sun faded on May 18th and contributors and presenters conversed over craft beers and vegan chicken, Autumn looked at me and said, “This is your first Fog Lift. How did it feel?”

Without hesitation, I replied, “It felt like home.”

ADOPTEE RESOURCES: Reckoning with the Primal Wound is a documentary that illustrates what the primal wound is and how it affects adoptees.The Good Adoptee is a play written by Suzanne Bachner and dramaturged by Bob Brader.The Adoption Journey Podcast offers those who have been affected by adoption to share their story.Identity is an organization that supports transracial adoptees and their adoptive parents.Who Am I Really? is a podcast where adoptees share their reunion stories.Monday Notes: My Entry into the Adoption CommunityIn Search of a Salve: Lori L. Tharps’ ReviewMental Health Matters: Curated Resources for Mental Health Awareness MonthMonday Notes: When I Was a Child, I Spake as a ChildInspiring Image #149: Transient (JAX)