Embracing the Devil You Don’t Know
2019 was a year of…change. I got a new job where I’m actually respected and matter. I became single for the first time in thirteen years. I also got my motorcycle license, purchased my first bike (a beautifully used 2010 Yamaha V-Star 250), and got scuba diving certified.
Why is all this a big deal? Well, I spent well over ten years absolutely terrified of bicycles and pretty much anything on two wheels. I had never felt steady on two wheels, and I got into a nasty bike accident in my early 20s, resulting in my flying off my bike, smashing my (thankfully helmeted) head against someone’s brick wall, and chipping one of my front teeth. Still, wanting to join my then-boyfriend with motorcycle riding, I decided to tackle my fears head-on. It took me a good three or four months of private lessons, falling off my bike, dropping my bike, stalling it, and failing my licensing test the first time around because I was just a terrible motorcycle rider. Still, I kept practicing and learning, putting myself in uncomfortable (but not dangerous) situations. And while I’m not Rider of the Year, I’m much more comfortable now, and I can say I’ve fallen in love with my motorbike.
Even though I grew up swimming and all around loving the water, I never took up scuba diving because I was told I couldn’t, due to my having asthma. I’d snorkel, always sit back, envious of divers who got to swim with the fish and rays and sharks above them, rather than having to look at them from above. After a scuba event at my job, I decided to take the plunge and get certified. Scary and unfamiliar at first, I got the hang of it, and now, I’m itching to go on dive trips when the weather warms up.
I also left a job of four years, where I was relatively comfortable, but not so much appreciated, for a job where I feel so much more respected and actually have a voice. Plus, I get to work in aquatics, always one of my dream environments to work in. I’ve been here a year, and already, I feel more comfortable, outspoken, and heard than any of the previous three jobs I worked at. I learn and grow to appreciate so much of life working with disabled veterans, and it makes me grateful every single day for the little things. Like my health and my ability to walk and move around freely, without any restrictions.
Finally, I left a relationship first of seven years, and then another of one year. I could speak so much on this, but the lessons that I’ve learned are for another post. I knew early on that both men were wrong for me, that I wouldn’t be happy with them in the long term. Still, I stayed with them because in my twisted mind, it was better than being alone and having no one. I became so much more invested than they did, leading to me just holding on tighter, digging in my nails, refusing to let go even when the red flags were practically stabbing me in the eyes. After much deliberation, mental gymnastics, and convincing myself that everything was okay (no, it wasn’t), both relationships ended. And I found myself single and scared that I was alone, and who would I do things with and what would I do in my spare time? In the past two months, I’ve reconnected with many of my friends and family and cultivated my relationships with them, took the time to self-reflect on what I could have done better, and really looked into myself, see why I attracted the sort of men that I didn’t want. Nowadays, I’m getting to watch shows I want to watch, my time is now mine (except when it’s my friends’ and family’s), and I’m finally remembering to take care of myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I’ve never felt better.
Still, even though I’m finally taking steps toward my best self, I resisted all of it. My family and friends’ goodnatured advice and pleads that I deserved better, to try new things, fell on deaf ears. I wanted to remain stuck where I was, because I was comfortable. And because I was afraid. Afraid of what I didn’t know, afraid to be alone. Most of all, afraid that I couldn’t do better than I was doing. Even though I was unhappy, bordering on miserable, convincing myself. Why? Because it was better to deal with the devil you know, than the devil you don’t.
Lessons learned here? If something isn’t working out for you, whether its a job, a relationship, a friendship, or, well, anything really, just rip off the band-aid. As my father always told me, short term pains are better than long term ones.
But, we have to learn to embrace that devil we don’t know. It may lead us down a confusing path, one that will make us question why we decided to change things in the first place. Yet oftentimes, the results will be damn worth it, and something beautiful to behold.
