Join the Horde! Conquer the Universe! Sign Up Now!

Join the Horde! Conquer the Universe! Sign Up Now!

The Horde truly is the most diverse group of bad guys. From left to right: Mantenna, Grizzlor, Mosquitor, Skeletor (yes, he was a member of the Horde once before striking out on his own), Horde Prime, Hordak, Imp (in treasure chest form, regular Imp is hugely expensive), Despara (a.k.a. Princess Adora of Eternia a.k.a. She-Ra), Shadow Weaver, Catra and her panther, Horde Wraith, Entrapta, Octavia. Towering above them all is Motherboard.

Are you dissatisfied with harassing peasants and raiding space tramp freighters? Are looking for a new challenge? Do want to see the galaxy and help to subjugate it? Do you want to become part of something greater? Then join the Mighty, All-Conquering Horde.

The Horde Empire is seeking, at the earliest possible date, a:

Force Captain
(m, f, n-b*)

We are a growth-focussed intergalactic empire intent on universal domination. With more than ten thousand worlds under our heel and counting, the Horde Empire is a multiverse-wide leader in the crowded market of galactic empires.

However, we cannot conquer the universe all alone. We need you to help us subjugate the cosmos and bring those rebel worlds into the smothering embrace of the Horde Empire.

Your responsibilities:

Command the troops of the Horde and lead them into battle.Conquer planets for the glory of the Horde.Slaughter the enemies of the Horde.Enslave the local population.Crush all resistance.Strike fear into the hearts and minds of our foesReport directly to Horde Commander Despara, Lord Hordak or Horde Prime, the Great Exalted Leader, himselfFailure and insubordination are swiftly and severely punished

Your qualifications:

Must be utterly ruthless and devoid of empathyWilling to follow orders without hesitation or questionsAt least three years of military experienceSkilled in handling energy weapons, blasters and crossbowsHand to hand combat skillsSwordsmanship skillsPilot licence for suborbital and space vehiclesGround vehicle licenceTactical and strategic knowledgeTechnological knowledgeSpecial abilities such as superstrength, vampirism (both blood and energy extraction), venom secretion, all-seeing eyes, shapeshifting, cybernetic implants, scientific genius, fabulous secret powers, etc… welcome

The benefits that await you:

A supportive and inclusive work environmentExcellent payState of the art medical care and cybernetic enhancementsIn house training and apprenticeships under the watchful eye of Lord Hordak himselfFree board and lodging at Horde bases and aboard Horde shipsBranded uniforms and armour supplied by the HordeExcellent on-site childcare facilities in Horde breeding centersGreat opportunities for career advancementFree mandatory therapy using patented Horde mind-wiping and memory editing technology

Also seeking, at the earliest possible date, a:

Magic Wielder
(m, f, n-b)

Unfortunately, in our quest to bring the entire universe under the heel of the Horde, we occasionally encounter that ancient superstition known as magic. Of course, the Horde Empire does not endorse the use of magic and considers it an abomination. However, our enemies have no such scruples and therefore, we are reluctantly required to employ some magic of our own.

Your responsibilities:

Employ magic on behalf of the HordeWield magical weapons or objectsBreak into magical strongholds and acquire ancient objects of powerFight and defeat other magic usersReport directly to Lord Hordak or Horde Prime, the Great Exalted Leader, himselfFailure and insubordination are swiftly and severely punished

Your qualifications:

High level magical abilitiesKnowledge of spells and potionsSkills in deciphering ancient languages and manuscriptsDemon summoning skillsSkills in handling magical weapons or objectsAbility to open interdimensional portalsTelepathy, teleportation and telekinesisMemory altering and mind-wiping abilitiesPhysical combat skillsIn house training and apprenticeships under the watchful eye of Lord Hordak himselfUtterly ruthless and devoid of empathyWilling to follow orders without hesitation or questions

The benefits that await you:

See above.

The Horde is an equal opportunity employer. We are committed to diversity and inclusion and welcome members of any species, race, gender, body type and sexual orientation. The Horde forces have by far the highest percentage of female and LGBTQ members of all villain factions and galactic empires in the universe.

Are you an outcast? Do your fellow beings think that you are scary or weird or terrifying? Then join us, because no one is ever too weird or too scary for the Horde. The Horde embraces everybody in its all-encompassing grasp.

So what are you waiting for? Apply today and become part of the great and glorious, all-encompassing Horde Empire.

For questions and applications, please contact:

Lord Hordak, the Mighty and All-Powerful
c/o Horde Commander Despara
The Fright Zone
Etheria
Dark Dimension of Despondos

***

Inspired by this news item about two new members of the Evil Horde, who are about to debut in the upcoming Masters of the Universe: Revolution prequel comic. Both of these new Horde members are women and one of them is chubby lady of a body type rarely seen in comics and cartoons. Of course, the usual suspects complaint a lot more about the chubby lady than about the spider woman, which tells you everything you need to know.

This led to a discussion on Twitter about how the Horde is actually the most diverse of all the villainous (and heroic, for that matter) factions in Masters of the Universe and has a lot of women, LGBTQ characters and some of the weirdest creatures in Masters of the Universe history. There is a historical reason for this – the original Horde figures came out at the height of the popularity of Masters of the Universe, when the toys were selling like hotcakes and all sorts of weird but expensive to design and produce figures were possible. And since the Evil Horde were the primary villains in the She-Ra: Princess of Power cartoon, which was aimed at girls, they had a lot of female members.

In Masters of the Universe: Revolution, Hordak also tells Stonedar (shortly before the poor guy is utterly demolished and turned into a pile of pebbles) that he never fights his own battles, but that he hires well. Which made me wonder, “What exactly would a Horde job ad look like?” So I wrote one.

The photo of the assembled Horde (well, the members I have, since I’m still missing a few) was actually quite difficult to take, partly because Motherboard is so big and partly because there are a lot of Horde members. The figures are a mix of Masterverse and Classics figures, since both lines are roughly in the same scale.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, I just bought some toys, took a photo of them and wrote a parody of a job ad. All characters are copyright and trademark their respective owners.

*(m, f, n-b) stand for “male, female, non-binary”, which is standard in German job ads. And yes, the non-binary part started showing mere weeks after the act recognising non-binary people as a third gender was passed.