Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #62: Wish

Missed you all!

So, what’s next on the old docket? Why what’s this? A canon Disney movie? One of the films that this very blog was established to review?

Why, this is something of an occasion! Maybe we’ll have lots of cameos from long running characters like The Horned King or Walt Disney himself? Maybe a long and overly complicated kidnapping arc? Might Otto Von Bismarck appear? He bloody might!

“Mouse, quit stalling, I’ve got fifty bucks on you giving this shitpile a good review just to be contrarian.”“Then you, sir, just lost fifty bucks and my respect.”

But before surgery commences, I want to talk about conspiracy theories.

Conspiracy Theories, counter-intuitively, are a way to make the world seem less scary, to make sense of an otherwise terrifyingly random existence.

To many Americans, the idea that a shadowy cabal within the US government would kill a sitting president of the United States was actually a less unsettling prospect than the idea that some random nutjob could decide to kill the most powerful man on Earth and just…do it.

Or that a lunatic fundamentalist in a cave with a few followers and some bolt cutters could have handed the US its most devastating attack on home soil since Pearl Harbour. Or that…a majority of Americans just didn’t think that Donald Trump should get another term.

Which is why, if you’re about to get angry at me for bringing up the extremely well known conspiracy theory that Wish was either wholly or partly the creation of generative AI, I think you’re missing the point. To understand a conspiracy theory’s appeal, you have to look not at the theory itself but the reality that it would replace if it were true. People want to believe that Wish is AI generated because it’s less scary than believing that this is just the kind of film that Disney’s creative process produces now.

Recently I gave an interview for a podcast where we discussed how the publishing industry is becoming totally, crushingly data driven and where books are increasingly commissioned, marketed and read for and by micro-targeted audiences. Books are becoming products rather than pieces of art, not something the artist wrote because they cared about it but because the algorithim says that Becky in Minnesota is jonsing for an enemies-to-lovers mafia werewolf story. And this isn’t just limited to publishing, the whole entertainment industry is sick with it.

So I know why so many people believe this theory is true*, because the reality is actually scarier. The same market and technological forces that make AI art so…off are now infecting even human created art. The machines aren’t just getting more human-like. We’re meeting them in the middle.

Although…okay, I’ll be honest here. Before I’d seen the movie I thought the whole notion that it was an AI generated film was ridiculous. Because of course Disney would not be able to keep that a secret. Of course they wouldn’t risk it when the prevailing legal wisdom is that AI generated content can’t be copywrited. Of course it’s insane to suggest that Disney would get so spooked by the Writer’s Strike that they would look for a way to cut creatives out of the process rather than having to deal with unionised labour (this is Disney we’re talking about people, Disney!).

And yet, having seen the movie? I’m…honestly not so certain. It just has all the hallmarks. That weird Stepford Wives flavour of bland and weird. The nonsensical plot. The “no soap, radio!” quality of the dialogue. The LYRICS. Oh my word. Actually, I take that back. I asked WordPress’s AI bot to write a better villain song than “This is the Thanks I get?” and this is the song I got:

Title: Shadowed Desires

(Verse 1)
In the depths of darkness I arise,
Forged in treachery and lies,
My ambition burning bright,
Beneath the stars that mock my plight.

(Pre-Chorus)
Every sliver of discontent,
Feeds the hunger, my intent,
To claim what’s rightfully mine,
And leave the world in my design.

(Chorus)
I’ll carve my name in history’s stone,
The throne is calling, I’ll claim my own,
No hero’s heart can staunch the fire,
Of my shadowed, relentless desire.

(Verse 2)
Watch the puppet strings I deftly weave,
As I spin webs to deceive,
Luring all into my grasp,
They’ll kneel before my chilling rasp.

(Pre-Chorus)
Every whisper, every breath,
Carries echoes of my conquest,
No force can quell this rising tide,
I’ll rule with darkness as my guide.

(Chorus)
I’ll carve my name in history’s stone,
The throne is calling, I’ll claim my own,
No hero’s heart can staunch the fire,
Of my shadowed, relentless desire.

(Bridge)
They’ll tremble at my wicked decree,
As I shape a world to bow to me,
No savior can undo my reign,
My legacy forged in endless bane.

(Chorus)
I’ll carve my name in history’s stone,
The throne is calling, I’ll claim my own,
No hero’s heart can staunch the fire,
Of my shadowed, relentless desire.

(Outro)
I’ll carve my name in history’s stone,
The throne is calling, I’ll claim my own,
No hero’s heart can staunch the fire,
Of my shadowed, relentless desire.

And you know what? Little on the nose. Rather obvious imagery. But I at least feel like the bot understood the assignment.

Yes. Let’s have a peppy, upbeat Disney villain song that sounds like it’d be right at home in Highschool Musical. Let’s do that. That would be a smart thing to do.

We get a story-book opening where our narrator, Asha, gives us the history of the Kingdom of Rosas, a tiny island in the Mediterranean Sea. The kingdom was founded by King Magnifico and his wife Amaya with the purpose of protecting people’s wishes. See, Magnifico realised that wishes are what drive people through life…

But that sometimes people’s wishes don’t come true and that makes them sad.

So he created a kingdom where, when ever a citizen turns eighteen, they give him their wish for safe-keeping and then they forget about it. And every month, Magnifico chooses a wish to grant. Everyone seems to be okay with this system and enters into it with a clear understanding of how it works.

So…right off the bat I am baffled by this. Magnifico has a lot going for him. He’s voiced by Chris Pine who is a seriously underrated voice actor and singer. I like the design well enough. And magocracies are cool, who doesn’t love a good magocracy? But Magnifico just doesn’t make sense as a character. He starts out as a peasant boy whose family are massacred by thieves. He studies magic. He becomes the most powerful sorcerer in the world. With you so far. Then he establishes a kingdom and starts doing weird shit with wishes.

What the fuck? How did we get from Magical Batman Origin Story to this guy basically running what amounts to a lottery?

We cut to Asha’s house where the narration is revealed to be her talking to her 100 year old grandfather Sabino who presumably already knows this shit. Asha lives with Sabino and her mother Sakina and her Happy Meal bait pet goat Valentino, who manages the seemingly impossible task of making me unhappy to have more Alan Tudyk in my life. Now, I’m going to be critiquing this movie’s…everything pretty much and that includes the animation. But, this one I actually feel a little guilty about because it is at least trying to do something that the canon has desperately needed for a while. That is, it’s trying to innovate and shake up the house style.

For almost 15 years now, Disney’s canon features have been tangled in, well, Tangled. That movie’s art-style and aesthetic have dictated how these movies look. And while I absolutely adore most of those films, there’s no question that the canon needed to innovate and move on. And Wish does do that. Unfortunately, I don’t think it works.

“You bastard, I did THIS FOR YOU!”

So, the movie eschews the hyper-real look of Tangled for more of a “Hand-Drawn 3D” look. That’s honestly not a bad idea. If you’re not going to celebrate Disney’s centenary with a proper traditional 2d animation (which would be a VERY good idea but who cares what I think?) then going down this route is an acceptable middle ground. In fact, this style has been used very effectively in the Spider-Verse films and Puss in Boots 2. Unfortunately, those movies had visual flair and fantastic direction whereas Wish just feels safe and unambitious in comparison. Also, how fucking sad is it that DISNEY, the greatest American animation studio in history bar none is left playing catchup with goddamned SONY? Strange times, my friends.

Okay, so it’s Sabino’s birthday and Asha tells him that she’s really confident that he’s finally going to get his wish granted. You know…I’m pretty sure that if I reach 100 and the wish I made when I was eighteen comes true that will not end well.

Yeah. Yeah, I’m not surviving this.

Asha works at the palace as a kind of tour guide for new visitors to Rosas and we get our first song; Welcome to Rosas. It’s…not terrible. The beat is actually kinda catchy and the lyrics at least sound like something that a human wrote. That human being someone who really, really, really wishes they were Lin Manuel Miranda and isn’t.

“Welcome to the family Madrigal…I mean. Shit! I did it again!”

Her song done, Asha runs into the kitchen and meets her friend Dahlia who is the leader of the seven teens, basically what would happen if the Seven Dwarfs and the Burger King Kids club were Tuvixed in a transporter accident. She greets Dahlia with this line:

“Help me! Best friend and honorary doctor of all things rational my interview is in one hour and I’m so nervous I think I’m going to explode!”

I’m sorry, no. You can’t get mad at people for saying AI wrote this script. That is how AI talks. That is not people speak. Human no talk like that.

Also, really? “Honorary Doctor of all things rational?”. That’s the most elegant way of letting the audience know she’s the “Doc” of the group? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, Asha gets into an argument with the “Grumpy” of the group, Gabo, Gabo, GABO!

Gabo implies that Asha wants to become Magnifico’s apprentice so that she can corruptly rig the system and get her grandfather’s wish granted, something that Asha angrily denies and which is absolutely, 100% correct. Queen Amaya arrives in the kitchen to tell Asha that it’s time for her interview. As they ascend the stairs, Amaya briefs her on the apprentice’s duties saying that some of the things she might have to do for him “might seem strange, but why a sorcerer needs what a sorcerer needs is not your concern”. Which…yikes.

“Do I claim to understand why magic will sometimes require you to come to work in a French maid’s outfit and a Donald Duck mask? No. Because I’m not a sorcerer. We must remember our place.”

Asha meets Magnifico after triggering a magic alarm he’s placed around a secret evil mysterious book of evil. They get talking and form a bond over their losses (Asha’s father died of illness and Magnifico’s parents, as discussed previously, were lost due to him being magical Batman). The dialogue in this scene is really clunky and on the nose, which is why it’s such a testament to Chris Pine and Ariana DeBose that it kinda…works? I don’t hate this scene. Magnifico takes Asha to see the wishes which are just blue globes floating around his room like globs of wax in a lava lamp. They both sing At All Costs which is a kind of a…love song? I guess? Magnifico and Asha sing to the wishes how they’ll never let anything bad happen to them. I’m kinda conflicted on this one because the melody is actually quite nice and both Pine and DeBose are really selling the fuck out of it. But the lyrics are just…weird. This movie does not deal well with words, lemme tell ya.

So, Magnifico, no doubt glad to find an apprentice he can harmonise with, offers Asha the job. Asha wastes no time abusing her position and asks Magnifico to grant her grandfather’s wish.

“Remember kids, using a position in government to enrich yourself and your family at the expense of your fellow citizens is just something everyone does.”

Magnifico is (quite understandably) hurt at this sudden, immediate cashing in on her newfound power and influence but agrees to take a look at Sabino’s wish. He says that Sabino’s wish, “to inspire the next generation” is simply too vague and therefore dangerous. Uh…I’m sorry, am I supposed to think that Magnifico is wrong here? Ask yourself, how many stories have you seen where a vaguely worded wish leads to disaster? Fuck, how many wish stories have you seen where a poorly worded wish doesn’t have have some kind of terrible repercussion for the wisher?

As Magnifico points out “inspire the next generation” could mean LITERALLY ANYTHING.

You know who inspired the next generation? HITLER.

Magnifico tells Asha that’s a hard pass and she is shocked to realise that most of the wishes will never be granted.

Asha. Sweetie. You know this. You HAVE to know this. You…you told us that. You said Magnifico chooses which wishes to grant which obviously implies that there are wishes that he does not choose to grant.

And look at all these!

More people are coming to the kingdom every day. He’s granting TWELVE A YEAR. You HAVE to know that he’s not going to grant all of them. EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW THAT. THIS SYSTEM MAKES NO SENSE OTHERWISE.

This system makes no sense anyway, but this is the part that is pertinent for our current discussion. Getting back to the lottery analogy, Asha’s basically showed up to work and is horrified to learn that not everyone that plays a scratch-card wins. HOW did you not get this? The ceremony happens and, obviously, Magnifico does not grant Sabino’s wish and tells Asha that she didn’t get the job. At dinner, Asha tells her grand-father that she saw his wish and that it was beautiful but that it’ll never be granted. And Sabino stands up and says “are you trying to break my heart, child?!” and what the fuck is this shot?!

Look, I didn’t go to film school. I know practically nothing about cinematography and even I know this shot is wrong. This is a big, emotional beat and look at this. Medium distance, Sabino is facing sideways so we’re missing half his face, Asha and her mother are clustered close together so the weight of our focus is pulled away from Sabino onto them and there’s a metric shit ton of dead space on the other side. You hear that sound? It’s Stanley Kubrick puking in rage inside his coffin.

Asha runs out into the lush, green forest which looks about as authentically Mediterranean as Björk and we get our “I Want” song, So I Make This Wish, which is a real pretty song if you don’t speak English as a first language.

Disney? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but stop trying to remind me of Pocahontas. Because I genuinely would rather be watching Pocahontas. You degrade us both.

Look, you’ve already had the “throw caution to every warning sign” line mocked from here to buggery, you don’t need me for that. Asha sees a star and makes a wish and it crashes into Earth, incinerating all life on the planet.

Hah.

If only.

The townspeople are delighted by the light of the star coming to Earth but Magnifico notices that all the wishes are getting skittish and says “I believe I’ve been threatened” like the sky just pulled a shiv on him or something.

In the forest, discovers that the star has actually come down to Earth and has taken a form seemingly tailor-made to sell plushies.

Fuck. Every. Damn. Thing.

So Star starts flying around and shedding flakes of star-dandruff any which way and all the animals and plants start eating it and become sentient and start talking. Wait a minute, I’ve seen this before.

Valentino starts talking and is now voiced by Alan Tudyk doing what I think is supposed to be an impression of Patrick Stewart. Oh, wanna know a little fun bit of trivia? Traditionally, many Disney sidekick characters start off in conception as having a posh British accent. Iago had one, Sebastian had one. So i usually take it as a bad sign when a supporting sidekick still has a British accent in the final film. Kinda screams that they half-assed it. The newly ensouled animals then sing I’m a Star, which, ironically, would get anyone singing it booted off You’re A Star. At the end of the song we learn that two of the animals, a bear and a stag, are named “John” and “Bambi”. Okay, stop.

So about the references. I’ll admit, there is a kind of “Where’s Wally?”-esque fun to be had in spotting what movies are being referenced but here’s why it backfires. Wish, which ostensibly is supposed to be a celebration of the last century of Disney, does not feel like a Disney movie. It’s got none of the charm, none of the darkness, none of the heart, nothing. It feels more like a high-end CGI ad for a mobile game than Snow White. To the point where the constant Disney references actually feel less like paying homage than the movie saying “this is actually a Disney movie. Did you forget? Don’t worry, there’ll be another reminder in like two minutes”.

Asha asks Star if it grants wishes and apparently it doesn’t even though we just saw it grant Valentino’s wish to talk so what even the fuck? Asha fills Star in on the whole deal with Magnifico and the wishes and Star apparently suggests that she just steals the wishes back. Well, actually, we just kind of have Asha’s word on that. As far as we the audience are aware, Star just flies around and stares at Asha with the gormless blank gaze of a cereal mascot. I think it’s entirely possible that Asha is just projecting her secret desires onto this barely sentient glob of space goo.

“What’s that? I should steal the wishes back? And take all their money? And kill them all? And do WHAT to the corpses? Oh, I couldn’t do that. Then again, if YOU say it’s okay…”

Asha sneaks into the palace with Valentino and Star. Star has knitted some yarn into a little outfit and starts shimmying around in it and Valentino says “thank you, I feel seen”.

Okay. Bring out the wall of shame.

“When you use a bird to write it’s called tweeting.”“What can I say? Bling is my thing.”“Thank you. I feel seen.”

Okay, do you know what I would do if was put in charge of Disney Animation? Have a nervous breakdown and run it into the ground, obviously. But before that, I would put a massive fucking sign over the door. And it would read:

YOU ARE NOT COOL. YOU ARE CLASSIC.

Disney should not be chasing trends or trying to appeal to “the youth”. Disney should be trying to make movies that kids will still be watching A CENTURY from now. Movies that are timeless, and universal and that don’t age.

Asha recruits the seven teens to help her and sneaks into Magnifico’s study and manages to steal Sabino’s wish. Magnifico summons the townspeople to see if anyone knows anything about the lights in the sky and gets so enraged by people asking about their wishes that he storms back into his study singing This Is The Thanks I Get, our first Honest to God villain song since Mother Knows Best all the way back in Tangled.**

And I’ll confess, that hook is catchy as hell. But this is still a terrible villain song. There’s no menace. There’s no camp. It actually feels more like a hero song. And I suppose you could say it’s a clever subversion because Magnifico is the hero of his own story. You could say that. And I would reply: SHUT UP.

I don’t want a clever subversion. I want THIS.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

Am I crazy? Do none of you remember how good we had it? DO NONE OF YOU SEE HOW FAR WE HAVE FALLEN!?

“Sweetie? You promised me you would take your meds.”“I TOOK THEM ALL!”

Magnifico finally cracks open the evil book of mysterious evil and is consumed by the raw power of its pure malevolence.

This is why we don’t trust BookTok recommendations.

Asha returns home and gives Sabino his wish back and he’s delighted. Magnifico rolls up to the house and tells Asha that somebody ratted her out and demands that she hand over Star. He also destroys Sakina’s wish right in front of her and draws more power from it. With Star’s help they flee and escape.

Meanwhile, Magnifico forges a new staff by destroying three wishes, including the one belonging to the lady who wishes to fly and spends literally every hour of every day by the fountain looking at birds.

This lady does not need a wish. She needs therapy.

Magnifico blames this wish-murder on Asha and tells the people that she must be brought to justice. He then reveals who betrayed her and it turns out it was Simon O’Donoghue, the Sleepy of the Seven Teens?

Apparently he’s scum?

As a reward, Simon gets his wish granted, which is to be a Knight of Rosas (I didn’t realise the recruitment standards were so strict that you have to resort to literal divine intervention to be allowed to hold a pike but what do I know?). Magnifico then takes complete control of Simon who promptly rats out the rest of the teens who have to go into hiding. Asha tracks them down and we get our next song Knowing What I Know Now it is hot trash moving on. The Queen shows up and is all “oh woe is me, my husband the King is gone mad with power if only some helpful peasants could remove him so that I could rule and be…nice.”

Working together, they hatch a plan to free all the wishes. Asha confronts Magnifico on the roof of the palace where he’s trying to absorb all the power from the wishes. Magnifico is far too powerful for her, but Asha leads the people of Rosas in a sing-along that channels the power of friendship and they all wish on the stars that they are and…I dunno, do the Care Bear countdown or some shit. Their combined power draws their wishes out of Magnifico who then gets sucked into the mirror on his own staff.

The people celebrate Amaya becoming the new Queen, and she is noticeably chill about the love of her life having succumbed to evil magic and now being trapped in a mirror for all eternity. Obviously, we can see where this couple is headed.

And movie ends with Asha becoming a fairy godmother complete with wand and blue cloak. We then get a credits sequence that supposedly references ever canon movie but which makes some rather fascinating omissions. So, apparently, the movies that Disney has black-bagged like Stalin tidying up old party comrades are:

Saludos Amigos.

The Three Caballeros.

Make Mine Music

Fun and Fancy Free

The Rescuers

The Black Cauldron

The Rescuers Down Under (Fucking WHAT?)

Meet the Robinsons

Winnie the Pooh

Ralph Breaks the Internet

Frozen 2

Which, okay, I understand leaving out sequels and the package films have never got no respect, no change there. But Cauldron? Robinsons? The entire Rescuers saga? What the hell?

Anyway, we then get an after credits sequence of Sabino setting out to write a song that will inspire the next generation which we learn is When You Wish Upon a Star.

That’s right. We were watching the origin story for a FUCKING SONG.

I can’t wait to find out if Nick Fury will ask the song to join the Avengers.

***

So before anyone accuses me of “jumping on the bandwagon” keep in mind this movie came out half a year ago. All the furore has died down by now and I didn’t even pay attention to most of the reviews at the time. I have heard people tell me this movie is nowhere near as bad as its reputation and I purposefully went in with as open a mind as I could.

This movie not only failed to rise to expectations, it tunnelled under them like Bugs Bunny on his way to a carrot convention. In fact, it quickly became apparent to me that the question before me was one that I’ve not had to ask myself for over a decade:

Is this the worst one?

As in, did Disney actually manage to mark their centenary by creating the single worst movie in their 62 film animated feature canon?

Obviously, that would be a very bold claim to make and I wouldn’t make it lightly. So I set myself this test:

I would take my three lowest ranked Disney movies and see if I could find one scene in each of them that I would consider to be better than anything in Wish.

So, first up. Third from the bottom. Brother Bear. I chose the transformation scene.

Better than literally every scene in Wish?

Fuck yes. Hands down. No question. The music, the animation, the atmosphere. This is easily one of the worst animated films Disney made in 21st century and it is light-years ahead of Wish.

Next up. Home on the Range. Let’s go with the yodelling cattle rustling sequence.

My God. Lyrics that are witty and make sense. Bold and inventive use of colour. And what is this weird sensation? Fun? Is that what you call it?

Yeah, this is also better than Wish and I’m actually feeling nostalgic for goddamned Home on the Motherfucking Range.

Okay. Last stop. My personal bete noir. The canon movie that should never have been considered a canon movie. The unclean one. The Adversary. Dinosaur.

I guess I’ll go with…the asteroid scene.

Hmmmmm…

No. No. Sequences like At Any Cost just about manage to scrape enough fumes of Disney magic to make me prefer Wish over Dinosaur.

Congratulations, Wish. You stopped an inch above Hell itself.

Scoring

Animation: 12/20

Points for trying to shake things up. And maybe they’ll find a way to make this new style work. Right now though, it looks flat and kinda dull.

Lead: 04/20

Standard Disney quirky hero-girl type 24-b. Ariana DeBose is actually very strong but she’s given nothing here. The dialogue is something any actor would struggle to say, let alone elevate and the animation has a tendency to make Asha over-act hideously.

Villain: 04/20

Oh great. Disney are doing villains again.

Supporting Characters: 03/20

Hi ho. Hi Ho. It’s off to suck they go.

Music: 05/20

The melodies are passable but the lyrics are unforgivably awful.

FINAL SCORE: 28%

NEXT UPDATE: 23 May 2024

NEXT TIME: Okay Dreamworks, show ’em how it’s done.

*It’s not true. Probably. I’m like…68% certain it’s not true.

** Fine, Shiny might also qualify, we won’t fight.