Monday Notes: When I Was a Child, I Spake as a Child
My childish ways used to appear as a popular South Park episode. I walked around like Cartman, shouting, “Whatever. I do what I want!” Suffocated by overprotective parents and then a controlling grandmother, I couldn’t wait to grow up, so I could do what I want! But what did I want? To ignore everyone and call it young adulthood? To party and drink my life away as much as possible with little to no consequences? Or to ignore impending and obvious effects? Yep.
But that was childish.
And because everyone in your life is a mirror, my relationships showed this immaturity. Connections are not accidents, but instead, reflections of who we are and where we are. You cannot be close to someone with whom you are not alike in some way. For me, this has rung true. In the past, I surrounded myself with those who behaved as I felt; some were reckless; others rude; many emotionless—a cacophony of I do what I want shaded in varied tones. As time wore on, friends grew younger, symbolic of where I was in time. I was becoming older, but not wiser. Jill Scott once poignantly described this as being a “grown girl,” instead of a grown woman. On the outside, I was an adult, but inside? I was a teenager.
For three decades, I chose experiences that fed my ego, or as the Collins dictionary defines it, a sense of a person’s own worth. Synonyms for ego include self-respect and self-image. No matter what you call it, my opinion of my selves was low. So, I engaged in external activities that fed my ego in an effort to boost self-worth, self-respect, and self-image. Each looked like marriage, degrees, and children. Each raised my sense of self. But not really. This, too, was childish.
11but when I became a man, I put away childish things.According to astrology, we each have a Saturn return. The phenomenon occurs every 27-30 years. The first is a time for coming of age. The second signals maturity. The third, a phase of wisdom. My second Saturn return began years ago. Though astrology is controversial, for me, the concept is not something to be believed or not believed. Before my birth chart reader explained this cosmic idea, I had sensed it. I hate to be cliché, but like a butterfly, the cocoon grew tight, uncomfortable. It was time to grow up and out.
It was time to put away childish things.
The process began with identifying a clear sense of who I wanted to be in the world. In essence, I wanted the external and internal versions of me to match. So, I first swept the inside, until it formed a small clump of dust; I threw out what I didn’t like. Then, I made small changes along the way, like caring more about my community by being of service. If I could volunteer, then I did. I expressed gratitude for people and experiences, not in a performative way, but in ways that showed people I truly appreciated who they were and how they’d shaped my life.
As I gained a sense of self, I lost relationships. Either I began the unraveling, or others cut the cord. Losing friends and family hurt. Like many, I was taught to value the length of knowing a person, as opposed to the depth of knowing. But the cocoon was more painful. And when you’re in a conscious Saturn return, depth will always win. I had to put away childish things. Thus, friendships and familial connections evolved with or without me. Soon, I found myself surrounded by people who were emotionally mature, who outstretched their hands to lift me up, and who practiced reciprocity.
Healing my self-worth issues shifted the types of opportunities I was offered. Gaining clarity about my gifts and strengths has helped me to function in an ideal sense of adulthood. Consequently, it has become unnecessary to perform as proof of worth. Today, I walk into rooms out of a desire to provide offerings that may improve a situation, not to bolster my selves.
Slowly, I put away childish things. Slowly, I became an adult. Slowly, I embodied 1 Corinthians 13 … the whole of it. Slowly, I have become closer to being fully actualized.
Monday Notes: When I Was a Child, I Spake as a ChildInspiring Image #149: Transient (JAX)Monday Notes: 5 Ways to Become a WriterGuest Blog: 3 Things I Hoped to Accomplish with In Search of a SalveMental Health Matters: How to Establish 4 Types of Boundaries
