Why you should not buy my book for Christmas

Some of my writerly friends have started suggesting their new fiction as suitable presents for Christmas. I can't really do that. My reasons?

1. It feels wrong to say "Buy my book."

2. Some of you own it already anyhow. You could, of course, desire an entire library consisting of 340012 copies of the same tome. If this is your secret dream, then Life Through Cellophane is the perfect volume for you. Also, I know for a fact that a bunch of you have already read it, because you emailed me ...