Better Than Yesterday: A Way Back To Words

I almost believe that the last time I wrote something and actually put it here was last year. It was, almost a year since I last wrote about something that I read. And a lot has happened for the whole months after that that I forgot that writing is something that I truly need to cope with everything. I mean I put out a “not-so-small” amount of money to pay for this domain, and letting it gather virtual dust feels like a betrayal.

So I guess this post is some kind of emotional check-ins with my loyal audience. Or a really special fan service for you (you know who you are) who keep telling me that they miss reading my words (Oh how I love you).

Alright, first thing first, I have to admit that making myself sit and just write for an hour and really try to put it out is kind of harder lately with all the terrifying things happening around the world, my shift hours, chores, LIFE and its relentless demands, and everything in between. But here we are today, you have me finally able to tame my inner procrastinator and put her to sit and play around with the keyboard.

 

The Big Loss

Earlier this year I lost my grandmother. It’s the GRANDMOTHER, the one that I keep writing about and bragging about. The one grandmother that I got the chance to show my writings about her, the one that I get to show my symbolic token of love for, and the grandmother I get to meet for the last time a few weeks before her passing. Oh the feeling of urgency I felt that time to visit my hometown is unexplainable and knowing what it truly means after she’s gone, it still gives a little stitches to my broken heart and a gaping wound in my soul.

And thinking about her and the whole memories of my grandmother with all her beautiful traits, it will always take small pieces of me away even though it feels like she’s still here with us and realizing she’s not, it kills me. Every damn time. And it’s not a surprise that writing about that heals me. I kept writing about her almost every day for the whole month in my journal. Until I don’t shed the painful tears anymore whenever I talk about her, or when I think about my graduation gown and her hand smoothing the wrinkles with a silent “I’m proud of you”. Even though it is still painful and feels like the skin of my heart is being ripped off whenever I think about my grandmother and my hometown and knowing that she’s not there anymore.

 

Is One Day Better Than The Other?

Now if you’re asking how I am feeling, the answer would be better than yesterday. The only answer I can come up with, and the only answer I can feel the most honest with. And also, with this answer, I’m solidifying my “easier days coming” hope. I don’t know about you but hanging on to one thin thread “one day at a time” mantra  is not really working for me,  I need to add one more thing  in there, for it to get better everyday. Hence, better than yesterday is IT for me.

Oh, life and death and the vast spectrum in between. Farewells, warm embraces, the silent sting of loss, the euphoria of love, the exhilarating pursuit of passion, the soul-crushing weight of obligation, forgotten desires and fading dreams, the joy of fulfilled ambitions and nurtured talents, the black and white, the ups and downs, it’s all a swirling vortex within us. How much can we truly handle? Is “one day at a time” a coping mechanism or a way to simply numb ourselves to survive? How much strength do we need to face it all without breaking?

 

For me? All I need is a moment to breathe and an hour or two to write it all out.

The post Better Than Yesterday: A Way Back To Words appeared first on SUCI BYT.