I Am No Painter
Lewis Smedes, the renowned Christian author, tells a remarkable story about Michelangelo in his book Standing on the Promises: “One early evening, as dusk darkened the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo, weary, sore, and doubtful, climbed down the ladder from his scaffolding where he had been lying on his back since dawn painting the chapel ceiling. After eating a lonely supper, he wrote a sonnet to his aching body.” The last line? “I am no painter.”
Smedes was astonished to learn this, and rightly so. Michelangelo? The same man whose magnificent visions on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel have inspired awe and wonder within the masses for generations—this man believed himself to be “no painter”?!?
As shocking as these words might be, I find them to be a comforting reminder:
We all have, at one time or another, suffered from self-doubt.
And me? Well, it happens to me all the time.
Every time I start a new novel, I believe I’m going to fail. I think there is no possible way I will be able to get the story I have inside my head down on paper. Trust me, there is nothing more intimidating than a blank Word document! I believed this self-doubt would lessen with each published book but, honestly, it’s only gotten worse. I start to worry there is no way I can top what I last wrote. Worse is the fear that I will disappoint my readers, my publisher, and myself.
And, of course, self-doubt isn’t just limited to my work. At times, I doubt myself as a mother, as a wife, as a friend. In my darkest moments, I doubt myself as a Christian, dwelling on all my sins and failures, agonizing over just how little I deserve God’s love and how big of a hypocrite people would think me to be if they saw the contents of my heart.
How could God ever use a person like me?
The irony is that, in these moments where I feel the least deserving of God’s presence is precisely the time I need to be in it the most. Because only in His presence can I find the hope I need to overcome the paralyzing effects of self-doubt. In Him, I find my worth regardless of my fears and feelings, a worth not determined by how “good” or “bad” I am, but one that is steadfast and unwavering simply because of WHOSE I AM.
I am not the sum of my insecurities or failures. I am a dearly beloved child of God. One for whom He has a plan and a purpose, regardless of the worries and self-doubts plaguing my sinful heart.
Friends, when those moments of anxiety make you begin to question your significance, lean into the One who created you and called you by name. In Him, you will always find yourself…and His ultimate victory.
