How to Ask For Help at Work
People are struggling. I see it on so many people’s faces. You ask, “How are you?” And you get “Fine.” And you know that something is going underneath that they don’t feel they can tell you. They don’t know how to ask for help. We need to make it much easier for people to ask for help.
The problem is, there’s a tremendous amount of what psychologists call social friction that makes it hard to ask for help. We worry that if we ask for help, people will think less of us. Maybe we’ll think less of ourselves. We worry it will affect our job prospects, our performance ratings, or how much people like and respect us.
The other thing is that we don’t know how to put it into words. We don’t know who to ask. There’s no forum or time to ask where it feels like it makes sense. We need to make it much easier for people to ask for help and I’ve created an exercise to do that.
Four Kinds of HelpAll it is is a set of four words. You don’t need anything formal or fancy, but maybe you could have little figurines or something that people in your meeting can grab to ask for one of the four kinds of help. Here they are:
1. OvationThere are times when we need to ask for an ovation. Woo hoo! An ovation is about recognizing effort, whether it’s your effort or that of a team member. It’s about celebrating achievements, expressing pride, and acknowledging your own efforts or highlighting the value and importance of someone else’s efforts. Asking for an ovation is so important because we all need to celebrate more.
When people toil away doing unseen work, resentment grows, which can be very hard on our team dynamics. Ovations are way too rare in this world. It’s perfectly okay to say, “Hey, I want to share this with you. I’m excited about it and I need to know that you noticed, that you care, and that you’re proud.” Asking for an ovation, either for yourself or for somebody else on the team, is a wonderful way to ask for support.
2. InspirationDuring times of struggle, we often find it challenging to ask for help. Yet, one effective approach is to ask your teammates for inspiration. Many people mistakenly believe that success hinges solely on their ability to independently solve every question and find all the answers, but this simply isn’t true. For example, I’m often begging clients, “What am I going to blog about this week? What would be helpful? I need some inspiration!” That’s a really important way of saying, we don’t have to have all the answers, and we don’t even have to have all the questions. You can say, “I’m struggling with this account. Has anybody tried anything that works?” Or in other circumstances, “I’m working on this code and I can’t figure out a way to make it work. Do you know of anything?”
There are great opportunities to ask for support from your teammates. Maybe they’ve dealt with the same challenging issue before, or they possess insights into something that you’re facing. Requesting inspiration, drawing on their past experiences, or advice is terrific for team building because helping people creates a sense of affinity and increases our trust in them. That’s cognitive dissonance at work. It’s really valuable when you create an opportunity for your teammates to help you. Don’t hesitate to ask for inspiration when you need it.
3. ValidationYou’ve done a piece of work and you want to check it with people. You want someone to edit it, review it, or spot any assumptions or errors in it. You just want to know that your work has had a second set of eyes, that someone who has your back has looked at it, and it’s good. It’s been stress-tested. Validation is another wonderful form of support that you can ask for.
When we seek validation from others, we demonstrate respect, trust, and interest in their input. Not only is this good for our relationship, but it also improves the quality of our work by incorporating different perspectives. Don’t be afraid to ask someone to validate your work if you need to.
4. ResuscitationMany people face challenges and sometimes struggle to find the right words to ask colleagues for support. Occasionally, we may need to ask for resuscitation: support when we’re tired and struggling, a hand when we’re unsure about projects or meeting deadlines, and help when significant personal matters demand our attention.
It’s okay to express feelings of exhaustion and uncertainty, and to let people know you’re struggling. For example, “I’m going down here. I have no energy right now,” or “I’m really anxious about this,” “I’m stressed out,” “I’m coping with something at home and just really need you guys to create some cover for me while I cope with it.”
Asking for help and support from our colleagues can strengthen our relationships. It can be just what we need in that moment when we feel overwhelmed or like we can’t do it alone. Everyone needs a little resuscitation once in a while. Just ask for it.
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Introduce this set of four words during your regular team check-ins. Each week, someone may choose one, and then another week, opt for a different one. Ideally, team members will select varied prompts, providing insights into underlying issues. For example, with an ovation, you might discover that individuals are feeling resentful because their accomplishments are going unnoticed. Similarly, worries about showing imperfect work can be addressed through validation, in turn creating a sanctioned team norm where everyone has each other’s backs, and everyone is putting out great work. Similarly, you might find team members in need of inspiration or resuscitation.
Again, I created this exercise because there is so much friction in asking for help and so many people in need of it. I wanted to create a routine way that people could ask for help. The more help that we can ask for and offer and receive, the better we could all use it.
Looking for more pointers? Check out my next post, How to Participate in a Meeting.
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