Hello and Happy Leap Day!

Good morning, everyone! At least, it’s morning where I am. I hope you all had a happy week.

I was reminded of something I have not thought about in a very long time this week. It’s about what well meaning people say to people who are going through hard times such as the loss of a loved one or, in my case as well as many others, the diagnosis of an illness.

So many have said to me over the years, “Well, things could be much worse,” or, “You’re a lot better off than most people,” or, ” You need to focus on the future!” Not ONE of these phrases is a wise or a kind thing to say. Although well meaning, it cuts people off when they need to talk through their trauma, and even the diagnosis of a disease is a trauma. They have just been told there is something wrong with them. Even if it isn’t a life threatening diagnosis, it is hard to hear. None of us like being told there is something wrong with us. It raises concerns, it causes worries, and, in some way, it changes their lives. They are never quite the same. These phrases shut people down, and the subject often changes, leaving their need to talk and be heard in the dust. Please, think about that for a second and think about how it might make you feel.

Then, the medical advice starts. Things are said such as,” Well, I read an article on this, and what you need is…” or, ” I read a lot….”

Let me explain the problem behind all of this.

“Well, things could be much worse.” Well, things could be much better, too. Even if what is said is correct, it may be the incorrect thing to say; in fact, it usually is. It is not about what could have been, it is about what is, and that’s where people need to be met, in the present.

“You’re a lot better off than most people.” Other people are not the point. This is about the person who is suffering and their situation. This is devaluing; it is minimizing where the person is in their place. People need to be met in their place and their individual needs need to be met.

“You need to focus on the future!” All in good time. Let people work through where they are in their trauma, and don’t rush them. People need to be allowed to work through their situation without being rushed and without the pressure to move forward in their lives. Their future will fall into place. After all, that’s where the future is. It’s THEN, not NOW. There’s plenty of time for that.

As for advice givers.

Please remember you are not medical professionals. Some of what you may advise may be harmful. If you don’t have a medical background, you don’t understand what you are reading. What you have to remember here is most articles only focus on one aspect of an illness. When doctors diagnose their patients, they are looking at pieces of a puzzle. A full battery of tests is ordered, and they look at the whole picture before they make a diagnosis. Someone who simply, “reads a lot”, is lacking vital pieces of information which are necessary to prescribe treatment. Besides, doctors have read a lot, too. So did I was I was studying to be a Lab Technician. Having ran and reported these tests, I can tell you one thing. There are results which have to match; the pieces have to fit in a way which makes scientific sense.

For example, a patient who is in kidney failure, also known as renal failure, not only has abnormal kidney function tests, but they are also anemic. This is because the kidneys secrete a hormone which signals the bone marrow to produce red cells. So, if there is no anemia present in the patients’ blood count, it must be further investigated and the tests re-ran. The results don’t match.

Please, be careful, even if you are coming from a good place. Let the medical advice come from the doctors.

Thank you and have a wonderful week!
Beckie

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