Grandma Bootcamp

Thirty-nine years ago, when we enlisted in the parenting corps, I went through mama bootcamp, and being on duty 24/7 those first few weeks, the lack of sleep erased most of those memories from my mind. So much so that my husband and I went through it again three more times over the course of the next six years.

 

Here I am on the other end of the spectrum with our children grown, married, and now parents themselves. Apparently, I never read the fine print of my original enlistment papers, but if you are called back to active duty, you will automatically be enrolled in Grandma bootcamp.

 

This is a typical day on the base under the command of my 34-month-old drill instructor and her 3-month-old underling, i.e. baby brother

 

Reveille comes early, not a bugle, but a cry for milk or demand for breakfastFirst round of chow is served at 0800Your superiors eat first and they can be picky about their food choices, plate color, sippy cup color, and whether or not the food should be cut up or served wholeYou’re on KP duty after each mealCombat training commences with getting wiggly officers into fresh diapers or Baby Shark undies, onesies, socks, pants or leggings, and shirtsYou provide transportation for your commanding officer to the bus stop each morning to watch the other ranking soldiers leave for officer training schoolAs a recruit, you’re allowed one cup of coffee per day, served piping hot around 0900 and ice cold by the time you finish it five hours laterYou’ll be required to hike endless miles every three hours carrying a squirming 14-pound rucksackThroughout the day, your drill instructor will scream orders in your ear—hearing protection is recommendedRecruits are required to clean bathrooms at least once a week with a toothbrush, generally not their electric onesThere will be mountains to climb, mostly consisting of stacks of laundry, which then need to be folded, refolded, refolded again, and put awayBe prepared to be in the line of fire, whether it’s balls, blocks, or other various playtime projectilesBooks will be read morning, noon, and night, with favorites requested multiple times each dayThe mid-morning snack consists of MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) ranging from fruit to granola barsLibrary trips are required at the minimum once per week, your drill instructor may or may not participate in the scheduled toddler activitiesLunch is served at 1100 unless you’re hiking, then it’s pushed back until dinnertimeMinefield games are conducted during naptime as you learn to negotiate the hallway between the bedrooms without stepping on the creaky floorboardsWhile one officer is napping, the other one is almost always awake, so don’t expect any reprieve from your dutiesSnack time again after nap, all dip containers are the property of the commanding officer, who will double dip at her discretionWar games are conducted throughout the day, such as First Orchard and Go Fish, which usually ends in 52 Card PickupIf a nuclear meltdown is imminent, immediately distract and redirect the officerIn a two-story facility, stair climbing is conducted non-stop to gather supplies that are always on the opposite floor of where they’re neededThere will be complex puzzles to solve, including the alphabet tray puzzle and the jungle floor puzzleWeather permitting, outdoor time is highly recommended as a way to wear down the commanding officers—the recruits may feel the effects as wellYou may be subjected to water torture if diapers aren’t put on quickly or efficientlyPhysical fitness consists of deep knee bends, jogging, speed walking, bouncing, or swaying with the rucksack in your armsTactical medical care training is provided, and includes the application of character Band Aids and kisses to make boo boos feel betterDiaper pail will need to be emptied every three days; this is where your gas mask training will come into playYour biggest enemy in boot camp is lack of sleep and lack of privacy—even the latrines are considered public spacesAny contraband food must be eaten in hiding or while your commanding officers are occupied elsewhere or you will be ordered to shareDinner, which is generally nutritional and made from scratch, is something the drill instructor may or may not eat, depending upon the time of her last snackThe after-dinner battle is bath time, as one of the officers screams bloody murder when their hair is being rinsed as they refuse to look up at the ceiling to make the process easierNegotiation skills are put to the test at bedtime, determining the number of books to be read, and who is granted the privilege of cuddling with the drill instructor until she falls asleepAfter the officers are in their bunks, there is free time for writing letters which consist of one-line texts to let the folks back home know you survived another dayLights are out early around camp—you need to be prepared for wake-up calls in the middle of the night

 

I’m happy to report that I not only survived three weeks of Grandma bootcamp, but I thrived. As tough as camp can be, the joys outweigh the struggles. You get the toothless baby grins, the funny one-liners from the verbose 2-year-old (“Whatcha doing, Grandma?” “I’m loading the dishwasher. What are you doing?” “I’m watching you.”), the belly laughs, a buddy who follows you around the house observing and learning from everything you do, the squeals of delight, the look of absolute trust in those baby blue eyes as a little one is being rocked to sleep, the silly conversations, the hugs, the snuggles, the hand-holding, the tiny baby fingers wrapped around your finger—and your heart, and the wonderment of looking at the world through a child’s eyes.

 

The Many * The Proud * The Grandmas

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